I don't know who I am anymore.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Give Up
This was one of the songs that I discovered during my last week of college. Low Roar will always be associated with that week.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Spilt Milk
Added a bunch of songs by The Cure on my playlist. Couldn't find this song, so am posting it here. Good-night!
Ignore the pictures.
And here. Some tracks from the movie Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. Need to buy this CD. Fascinating book, graphic, but beautiful movie.
Lost Love
Ignore the pictures.
And here. Some tracks from the movie Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. Need to buy this CD. Fascinating book, graphic, but beautiful movie.
Lost Love
Meeting Laura
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Amsterdam
I'm still living in this strange, transitory situation right now, but I've snapped out of my funk a little bit. I, Tiffany Rose Anderson, am reading again! For real! Every day! In the past four-five days alone I have read two books. And it feels amaaaaazing.
So, I'm going to copy what Nikki did with her old reading blog and post my favorite quotes from the book I've most recently finished and any other thoughts I might have, if I'm feeling up to it. So, here is my favorite quote from Amsterdam.
"In his corner of West London, and in his self-preoccupied daily round, it was easy for Clive to think of civilization as the sum of all the arts, along with design, cuisine, good wine, and the like. But now it appeared that this was what it really was--square miles of meager modern houses whose principal purpose was the support of the TV aerials and dishes; factories producing worthless junk to be advertised on the televisions and, in dismal lots, lorries queuing to distribute it; and everywhere else, roads and the tyranny of traffic. It looked like a raucous dinner party the morning after. No one would have wished it this way, but no one had asked. Nobody planned it, nobody wanted it, but most people had to live in it. To watch it mile after mile, who would have guessed that kindness or the imaginiation, that Purcell or Britten, Shakespeare or Milton, had ever existed? Occasionally, as the train gathered speed and they swung farther away from London, countryside appeared and with it the beginnings of beauty, or the memory of it, until seconds later it dissolved into a river straightened to a concreted sluice or a sudden agricultural wilderness without hedges or trees, and roads, new roads probing endlessly, shamelessly, as though all that mattered was to be elsewhere. As far as the welfare of every other living form on earth was concerned, the human project was not just a failure, it was a mistake from the very beginning."
Ian McEwan, Amsterdam
I feel like this, sometimes, but other times, I feel the exact opposite. Being human is a strange thing.
I gotta say I was disappointed by the ending of the book. I saw how McEwan led up to the climax, and perhaps it was fitting for those two characters, Clive and Vernon. Like The Comfort of Strangers, but it's still frustrating. I found myself hating what actually happens in the book, but loving the writing itself. Dang you, McEwan.
Sorry, feeling a little sleepy (been getting up earlier the past two days. Impressed? I know, it's ridiculous), so I'm just going to stop here and maybe continue tomorrow.
So, I'm going to copy what Nikki did with her old reading blog and post my favorite quotes from the book I've most recently finished and any other thoughts I might have, if I'm feeling up to it. So, here is my favorite quote from Amsterdam.
"In his corner of West London, and in his self-preoccupied daily round, it was easy for Clive to think of civilization as the sum of all the arts, along with design, cuisine, good wine, and the like. But now it appeared that this was what it really was--square miles of meager modern houses whose principal purpose was the support of the TV aerials and dishes; factories producing worthless junk to be advertised on the televisions and, in dismal lots, lorries queuing to distribute it; and everywhere else, roads and the tyranny of traffic. It looked like a raucous dinner party the morning after. No one would have wished it this way, but no one had asked. Nobody planned it, nobody wanted it, but most people had to live in it. To watch it mile after mile, who would have guessed that kindness or the imaginiation, that Purcell or Britten, Shakespeare or Milton, had ever existed? Occasionally, as the train gathered speed and they swung farther away from London, countryside appeared and with it the beginnings of beauty, or the memory of it, until seconds later it dissolved into a river straightened to a concreted sluice or a sudden agricultural wilderness without hedges or trees, and roads, new roads probing endlessly, shamelessly, as though all that mattered was to be elsewhere. As far as the welfare of every other living form on earth was concerned, the human project was not just a failure, it was a mistake from the very beginning."
Ian McEwan, Amsterdam
I feel like this, sometimes, but other times, I feel the exact opposite. Being human is a strange thing.
I gotta say I was disappointed by the ending of the book. I saw how McEwan led up to the climax, and perhaps it was fitting for those two characters, Clive and Vernon. Like The Comfort of Strangers, but it's still frustrating. I found myself hating what actually happens in the book, but loving the writing itself. Dang you, McEwan.
Sorry, feeling a little sleepy (been getting up earlier the past two days. Impressed? I know, it's ridiculous), so I'm just going to stop here and maybe continue tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Blue Rain Jacket
And the hits just keep on coming.
1. On Sunday night, I was at work, taking a break. I was rubbing the back of my neck, and I realized that I could...feel a lump. Deep in. I had to push down hard, but I felt it.
Then I vaguely remembered feeling something like that a month or two ago, but I had forgotten about it, thinking it was small and, I don't know, it felt connected to tendons or something. I forgot. But this time, I could really feel it. I think it even grew just a little.
I kept poking at it, feeling its outline all night, so the next day, it was almost tender. Didn't quite hurt, I don't know how to explain it. And it was closer to the surface. I can actually see it stick out a little when I bend my neck a certain way.
Mom said give it a month, see if it grows. It moves around in its place, which is supposedly a good sign, but I'm still worried. Was freaking about all of yesterday, actually, wondering if I had cancer, would I become even more of a burden on my family, was this really how my life would end (remember how overreaction is my middle name?). I don't want to wait a month; I need to know if its benign or something serious, and, either way, I want it out of my neck. I think I'm going to schedule an appointment for next week.
2. Last night, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life. All of my greatest fears were happening, were my reality. It was a very symbolic dream too, easy for me to understand, even as I dreamed it. And I was terrified and devastated throughout the whole thing, and so caught up in the dream, that when the last awful sequence happened, the last straw my mind could take, and I woke up to a soft bed, soft lighting, and silence, I was in complete shock. Ever had that happen when you wake up? It feels so horribly abrupt. And finding it was all a dream was not much of a relief.
In the last moments of the dream, I had been screaming and crying at the same time, feeling like my soul was being torn into shreds. However, I wasn't doing either when I woke up (which I think is so disconcerting, in a way), but I rarely wake up already crying; in fact, I think it's only happened once. But, as soon as I realized where I was, I immediately started crying, REALLY crying, and cried for a good 45 minutes, just reliving the dream over and over and over and over. My top five greatest fears, all of them realized, nearly all at once. It was like torture. I'm not going to go into details since it involved some very personal stuff, but I'm going to leave myself a few clues without giving any of it away. Just in case I do decide to write it down in my journal.
Lisa Frank stickers, blue rain jacket, truck bed of flowers, moonlight in Julie's room.
Sounds so sweet and innocent, right? Trust me, I am leaving the scary stuff out. They're only triggers.
So, I will try to keep this blog updated on what's happening with my health and how my relationship with my step-dad continues to degenerate. Sleep tight.
1. On Sunday night, I was at work, taking a break. I was rubbing the back of my neck, and I realized that I could...feel a lump. Deep in. I had to push down hard, but I felt it.
Then I vaguely remembered feeling something like that a month or two ago, but I had forgotten about it, thinking it was small and, I don't know, it felt connected to tendons or something. I forgot. But this time, I could really feel it. I think it even grew just a little.
I kept poking at it, feeling its outline all night, so the next day, it was almost tender. Didn't quite hurt, I don't know how to explain it. And it was closer to the surface. I can actually see it stick out a little when I bend my neck a certain way.
Mom said give it a month, see if it grows. It moves around in its place, which is supposedly a good sign, but I'm still worried. Was freaking about all of yesterday, actually, wondering if I had cancer, would I become even more of a burden on my family, was this really how my life would end (remember how overreaction is my middle name?). I don't want to wait a month; I need to know if its benign or something serious, and, either way, I want it out of my neck. I think I'm going to schedule an appointment for next week.
2. Last night, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life. All of my greatest fears were happening, were my reality. It was a very symbolic dream too, easy for me to understand, even as I dreamed it. And I was terrified and devastated throughout the whole thing, and so caught up in the dream, that when the last awful sequence happened, the last straw my mind could take, and I woke up to a soft bed, soft lighting, and silence, I was in complete shock. Ever had that happen when you wake up? It feels so horribly abrupt. And finding it was all a dream was not much of a relief.
In the last moments of the dream, I had been screaming and crying at the same time, feeling like my soul was being torn into shreds. However, I wasn't doing either when I woke up (which I think is so disconcerting, in a way), but I rarely wake up already crying; in fact, I think it's only happened once. But, as soon as I realized where I was, I immediately started crying, REALLY crying, and cried for a good 45 minutes, just reliving the dream over and over and over and over. My top five greatest fears, all of them realized, nearly all at once. It was like torture. I'm not going to go into details since it involved some very personal stuff, but I'm going to leave myself a few clues without giving any of it away. Just in case I do decide to write it down in my journal.
Lisa Frank stickers, blue rain jacket, truck bed of flowers, moonlight in Julie's room.
Sounds so sweet and innocent, right? Trust me, I am leaving the scary stuff out. They're only triggers.
So, I will try to keep this blog updated on what's happening with my health and how my relationship with my step-dad continues to degenerate. Sleep tight.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Getting That Vibe
Well, this has been some week.
Not-so-unexpected news that still crushed me. But it was good, after a 24hour processing period. Somehow, now, I feel I can let this go. Tuck it into a box and shove it in some dark corner. I don't know why this helped, but, suddenly, things are a lot easier. Thanks God?? Thanks for this personal hell I've been living in for over two years that suddenly became manageable? I don't know. Maybe there was a reason. Half of me laughs the idea of God to scorn, but the other, more emotional half, wishes...
I wonder if I am depressed, like, clinically. I never have been one to seek out new experiences on my own. I lack some serious intiative. But, lately, I haven't been reading any new books. I still have a current book, but it's taking me a month to get through just ONE, as opposed to the five day per book ratio I used to do...when I was in college AND working. I'm not excited by anything anymore. I still am moved by the flow of words, a glimpse outside, but, it just feels like the beauty doesn't hold any deeper meaning anymore. The promise is gone. Even when I look outside and know that the trees, the rain, the air, the green, is beautiful, the magic is gone. The beauty feels soooooooo indifferent now. It used to stir and define me, it would make a terrible day seem absolutely miraculous and precious just by catching a glimpse outside a window.
And, the other news of the week: the thick, negative vibes have returned. From my step-dad. Oh no, he won't say anything outright, not until he blows a fuse. But it's simmering, his irriation and dislike for me, more than usual. Talked to Mom about it tonight, after getting off of work. About his (crappy) methods of communication and his (unspoken) expectations of me that I am not meeting. And, strangely, they are very particular, both the communication and the expectations. Apparently, my idea of being considerate and civil does not meet his requirements.
I refuse to placate him. He's not my dad, I have never considered him as a father-figure, and he absolutely IRRITATES me. He doesn't work half as much as my mother does, he is nearly always feeling sick or in pain (because he likes to overdo it...), always railing against something, is ALWAYS right, and needs quiet 24/7. Mom takes care of nearly EVERYTHING and he is never satisfied. He ignores half the things she says, or the occasional thing I volunteer because I CANNOT stand the weird silences at dinner. In a quiet, disgusting way, it has to be his way or the highway, while he sits in front of the tv during most of his free time. And he has a problem with me living here for a year without paying rent. If he had had children, Mom would never have expected something like that from them. They would simply be family and welcomed. And, after all, this situation isn't permanent!!
These stupid, SILENT expectations. They laid out no rules for me when I came here. Why can't he just spit out what he wants from me. If it's more than I'm willing to give, I will leave and make it work. God.
When I make a step, a painful step, forward towards my future (he has NO IDEA how painful it has been), he berates me for not getting further along. He has no idea who I am, no idea what my college experience was like, how I perceive myself (black hole, incompetent, less than the dust of the earth, etc, etc). He doesn't even know the basic things about me. And he doesn't care about it. From the very beginning of their marriage, he would just have his neverending, one-sided conversations with us, and expect us to agree. Literally. He gave no room to hear our thoughts and he's never wanted to hear them. So effing bullheaded, I could scream.
I could rant more, but I'm done. I'll keep you posted on this passive-aggressive crap.
P.S. I have decided to give up the idea of a Master's in Library and Information Science. Going to be practical and go to Tacoma Community College in January, after getting my official state residency, studying Health Information Technology. With that, I will be able to work in Medical Records, a section that has virtually no interaction with patients. Sounds just grand. Wish I had just done this instead of going to BYU. But I wasn't considering my options then, not really, and Library Science did seem like a real possibility. Not anymore.
Not-so-unexpected news that still crushed me. But it was good, after a 24hour processing period. Somehow, now, I feel I can let this go. Tuck it into a box and shove it in some dark corner. I don't know why this helped, but, suddenly, things are a lot easier. Thanks God?? Thanks for this personal hell I've been living in for over two years that suddenly became manageable? I don't know. Maybe there was a reason. Half of me laughs the idea of God to scorn, but the other, more emotional half, wishes...
I wonder if I am depressed, like, clinically. I never have been one to seek out new experiences on my own. I lack some serious intiative. But, lately, I haven't been reading any new books. I still have a current book, but it's taking me a month to get through just ONE, as opposed to the five day per book ratio I used to do...when I was in college AND working. I'm not excited by anything anymore. I still am moved by the flow of words, a glimpse outside, but, it just feels like the beauty doesn't hold any deeper meaning anymore. The promise is gone. Even when I look outside and know that the trees, the rain, the air, the green, is beautiful, the magic is gone. The beauty feels soooooooo indifferent now. It used to stir and define me, it would make a terrible day seem absolutely miraculous and precious just by catching a glimpse outside a window.
And, the other news of the week: the thick, negative vibes have returned. From my step-dad. Oh no, he won't say anything outright, not until he blows a fuse. But it's simmering, his irriation and dislike for me, more than usual. Talked to Mom about it tonight, after getting off of work. About his (crappy) methods of communication and his (unspoken) expectations of me that I am not meeting. And, strangely, they are very particular, both the communication and the expectations. Apparently, my idea of being considerate and civil does not meet his requirements.
I refuse to placate him. He's not my dad, I have never considered him as a father-figure, and he absolutely IRRITATES me. He doesn't work half as much as my mother does, he is nearly always feeling sick or in pain (because he likes to overdo it...), always railing against something, is ALWAYS right, and needs quiet 24/7. Mom takes care of nearly EVERYTHING and he is never satisfied. He ignores half the things she says, or the occasional thing I volunteer because I CANNOT stand the weird silences at dinner. In a quiet, disgusting way, it has to be his way or the highway, while he sits in front of the tv during most of his free time. And he has a problem with me living here for a year without paying rent. If he had had children, Mom would never have expected something like that from them. They would simply be family and welcomed. And, after all, this situation isn't permanent!!
These stupid, SILENT expectations. They laid out no rules for me when I came here. Why can't he just spit out what he wants from me. If it's more than I'm willing to give, I will leave and make it work. God.
When I make a step, a painful step, forward towards my future (he has NO IDEA how painful it has been), he berates me for not getting further along. He has no idea who I am, no idea what my college experience was like, how I perceive myself (black hole, incompetent, less than the dust of the earth, etc, etc). He doesn't even know the basic things about me. And he doesn't care about it. From the very beginning of their marriage, he would just have his neverending, one-sided conversations with us, and expect us to agree. Literally. He gave no room to hear our thoughts and he's never wanted to hear them. So effing bullheaded, I could scream.
I could rant more, but I'm done. I'll keep you posted on this passive-aggressive crap.
P.S. I have decided to give up the idea of a Master's in Library and Information Science. Going to be practical and go to Tacoma Community College in January, after getting my official state residency, studying Health Information Technology. With that, I will be able to work in Medical Records, a section that has virtually no interaction with patients. Sounds just grand. Wish I had just done this instead of going to BYU. But I wasn't considering my options then, not really, and Library Science did seem like a real possibility. Not anymore.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Cravings
I need a glorious chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream RIGHT NOW.
And then a hammer. For my head.
And then a hammer. For my head.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
"We danced until the morning closed our eyes"
Jimmy, your voice slays me.
Ours is not my favorite band (due to their subsequent albums), but their first album, Distorted Lullabies, IS my favorite album of all time. I ADORE every song. 2001 was a huge year and this album was one of the reasons why. The last three videos/tracks are from DL.
Ours is not my favorite band (due to their subsequent albums), but their first album, Distorted Lullabies, IS my favorite album of all time. I ADORE every song. 2001 was a huge year and this album was one of the reasons why. The last three videos/tracks are from DL.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Gray Havens
The one deleted scene that should've been left in Lord of the Rings. I love this scene so much, the woods, the wind, the music, the whole concept of the Elves. It's soooooooooooo beautiful, it kills me.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
April 15, 1912
Because tonight marks the 100th year since Titanic sank, I watched the movie. It's insane to be able to say it happened a hundred years ago, just as, all too soon, it will be a hundred years since WWI. Freaky.
People like to bash this movie, for whatever stupid reason, but I love it, every scene. Much as I enjoy the romance, I find the whole sinking of the ship the most fascinating part of the movie, with all those universal human characteristics that come out of the woodwork in a disaster. The denial of there actually being a threat, the attempts to logically escape natural, uncontrollable elements with MONEY, the insane but very real instincts of survival, the inevitable deaths that happen despite all that denial and desperation. How the shipmen try to handle the chaos with their fates already sealed (I love Murdoch), the distinctions of class, the human need and fear, etc. My stomach tightens, I get chills, and the music makes me cry every time (thanks a lot, James Horner).
AND this movie has two of my favorite actors coupled together. How could this movie be made better? They are both amazing actors, especially in their more recent movies. Don't believe me? Watch The Reader or Shutter Island. Or Revolutionary Road.
And just look at them!!
People like to bash this movie, for whatever stupid reason, but I love it, every scene. Much as I enjoy the romance, I find the whole sinking of the ship the most fascinating part of the movie, with all those universal human characteristics that come out of the woodwork in a disaster. The denial of there actually being a threat, the attempts to logically escape natural, uncontrollable elements with MONEY, the insane but very real instincts of survival, the inevitable deaths that happen despite all that denial and desperation. How the shipmen try to handle the chaos with their fates already sealed (I love Murdoch), the distinctions of class, the human need and fear, etc. My stomach tightens, I get chills, and the music makes me cry every time (thanks a lot, James Horner).
AND this movie has two of my favorite actors coupled together. How could this movie be made better? They are both amazing actors, especially in their more recent movies. Don't believe me? Watch The Reader or Shutter Island. Or Revolutionary Road.
And just look at them!!
Friday, April 13, 2012
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