Silly, Stupid Daughter

I'm so fucking disturbed by what my mom just said to me, so instead of finishing my homework, I'm here. Seething.

Lately, I've been severely sleep deprived. All my free time is given to school work, with one solitary hour I let myself have to work on something else...or drift...but it's turned me into an insomniac. I can't shut my brain off anymore.

So...when I'm sleep deprived, I tend to go into even more extreme moods. Extremely sleepy, extremely giggly, extremely snappy, extremely numb.

Mom comes in and talks about how she hurt herself on accident, AGAIN (hit her head on something), and I start laughing too hard over it. It didn't warrant the giggling, but everything is so much funnier when everything's hazy and too many things haven't been working out already this day. I can use words properly into sentences?

I apologized and said I get stupid when I never sleep and I don't think I'll ever sleep fully ever again. And Mom, my silent matyr, talks about how she never gets more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep (so she wins, since I get five whole hours). I ask how she can be so calm and collected all the time and not outright crazy on that amount.

Well, pooh pooh my selfish, utterly lacking in self-control child (yeah, she said that, practically). I had to learn the hard way by having you kids and being married to your dad. And I think that's why I was married to him. That must've been the reason why God had me marry him. I was supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut. I probably had a problem with that in the previous, pre-mortal life.

Yeah....THAT'S why God predestined you to marry a sick son-of-a-bitch, to learn through 30+ years of abuse to keep your trap shut... and you are totally unaccountable in that great life decision, of course.

Oh, by the way, Mom, every goddamn person in this world has that problem--no one knows how to shut up. But you're a special case, a special kind of nuts.

Thanks for the dig. You're right. I have no self-control. NONE.

Enter maniacal laughter, again.

I'm going to go throw up now. It's this kind of shit I cannot stand. So self-deprecating, so limiting, so disgusting.

"And I'm falling down like it's holy ground"

My moods are so inexplicable to me.

I love the idea of another person, but who the hell am I kidding? My overly strong reactions to teeny tiny gestures of whatever are manic and crazy. They're so strong because I've always been alone, never having known how to be around other people. There are social expectations that I simply cannot manage to meet and it's so pathetic how basic and understandable those expectations are. It's like I'm living in another world in my head that makes more sense than the world around me, but try to explain how....and I realize that, actually, the hazy world I live is no shadowy, lovely secret anymore, and it's so empty, incomprehensible, even to myself, and it does. not. make. sense.

So I'm having insanely strong, emotional reactions to gestures so faint that I'm almost positive I'm making it all up in my head. And everyone who is required to interact with me must think I'm insane. And I feel so crazy that I go off and take walks down to the water in freezing rain and dim light, looking into the depths and feeling a slight sense of security in knowing that possibility is always there, not that I would ever take it...

I shouldn't feel so on guard around him, shouldn't feel so flustered and wary and embarrassed. I wish my mind wouldn't go blank every god damn time...and I turn away every god damn time, wordless, just silenced and immediately, instinctively distancing myself away from the merest hint of...what? Comradery? Because that is all it is, you idiot.

Here's a nice tune to drown my/your soul in. Or two. Matthew, you devil, I wish I could disappear into that voice of yours. Too bad you always fall back to cheesy lines/melodies for your climaxes when the beginnings promised sooooooooo much. Can we draw a parallel or two from that...?

Damn you.

"A joke in the way that we rust and breathe again"

This last week was rough. So disheartening, disappointing, and, inevitably, stressful due to the homework load. This week won't be much better...

Don't feel like going into the reasons.

I found some new music this last week, which I've added to the top of the playlist. Love the whimsical sound of these songs...and the brooding tracks, of course. You know me, the darker, the better.

Watched a lot of Walking Dead yesterday. I love Season 4! It has such great character development and Andrew Lincoln breaks my heart. Loved him since Love Actually and Wuthering Heights. I think it's so funny how I saw both him and David Morrisey (the Governor) in British productions before they both ended up playing Southerners in this show.

Alright...don't have much to add, so it's back to the homework. Or, if I'm being honest, another episode of Walking Dead. I love Daryl, Rick, and Michonne.

This is always the worst part. Coming back to the house after my sister is gone and trying to go back to my old routine. Both the house and my attempts to fall back are so empty. I can't concentrate on anything and I cannot muster an interest in doing anything, although I automatically cleaned the house, as if setting things to rights could eradicate the painful lump in my throat or fill the silence.

And with Julie, it's just so different. When Nikki left a few weeks ago, I was all ready to see her off. We had a fun weekend at Mt. Baker, but I can only take Nikki for so long. I love her and she is so inspiring to me. But she is also pushy, judgmental, and constantly frustrated with me. Around her, I can't be my loose, goofy, stupid self. I'm still me, just a different version, the way I am different with every single other person, I guess. But with Julie, I can be silly. We're closer in age, have the exact same problems socially and physically, and life doesn't have to be so damn serious all the time. She and I can clash too, but it's always okay.

Having her gone just emphasizes how lonely I am. She's my best friend.

The Heart

I don't know what is about October, but something always subtly changes in my life. Or, I suppose, not so subtly, i.e. the car crash of 1998,  moving/uprooting my childhood in 2001, etc. Not to dampen the magic here.

I want to write in detail about this as I haven't let myself write about any of it whatsoever for this whole past year, not here and not in my journal, which I never write in anymore anyways. But I know as soon as I set it on paper, it will lose its flavor and even its meaning, somehow. And all the soft, barely woken emotions will drift back into the void, as if they never existed. Almost.

To lose the dreaminess,, I have SO MUCH homework to do tonight!! And Julie is flying in tomorrow morning!! Both good reasons why I can't drift in this sweet, small comfort.

Been listening to Jimmy Gnecco's The Heart tonight while cleaning the house for Julie's arrival.  Not his best album, but I still love him. Alright, time to study.