Last night, I dreamed I was going to be executed. Because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone was murdered and I was too stupid to speak, to explain why I was in that situation and how I couldn't possibly be the killer. I was convicted guilty, without a trial, and I was going to die. Tomorrow. Case closed.
I tried to tell my family, my mom, my sisters. They were in the same room with me, all watching the TV in the living room, but I was ignored. I kept telling them that I was going to be fucking executed, tomorrow, that I needed to talk to them, that I needed their help and I may as well have not existed. They didn't react, didn't hear me, didn't see me. I started screaming at them and still, nothing. A ghost in my own home. Didn't they care? Was I already dead? Even as I walked outside to my car to go to the designated location. It was inescapable, no point in running and this time tomorrow, I truly wouldn't exist. And I was so, so scared. And alone.
Pretty bad, right? I had a very different kind of nightmare the night before, involving submersion and creepy demon births and children being axed and sliced in horribly visceral ways by a demon girl that's been after me my whole life. I could hear the cutting, smelled the guts and the blood, and the screams were...
It was effing scary. And when I woke up, I heard footsteps pacing around my bed and the sound of moving fabric. My cats were nowhere to be seen. Mom wasn't up yet. I hope I was still dreaming...but I know I was awake. And terrified. Which reminded me of other creepy shit, inexplicable things I've experienced and locked away somewhere dark and quiet. I started panicking as I listened to those light footfalls, even as I refused to move in my bed for fear that it would know I was awake. I did what I did last time, recited the names of people I love like some kind of mantra. Gives me a focus and an attempt to use it against...what the hell, right?
Eventually, the pacing went away and the air was suddenly lighter, no menace.
I sound effing crazy, I know. I just hate when this happens. It's been a couple years since the last time and that WASN'T malicious. Course, I wonder if I'm just mentally unstable. Mental issues run on my mom's side of the family.
Anyway, in other news...
Mom is dating a new fella, like hardcore dating, in the last month or so. She is over at his place every evening. She's met half of his kids and they are planning to visit the rest of them in a couple of weeks. He wants to meet me and my sister. And because they're Mormon and not getting any younger (Mom's early 60's, Dale's early 70's)...I'll bet they're married before Thanksgiving. 2nd step-dad. Haha, and I'll have step-siblings in their 40's and 50's. Lovely.
I'm happy that she's happy, but I worry. My mom has demonstrated beyond shitty taste in men in the past, she is terrible at communication, and sort of lives in this dream world most of the time. She turns into someone else when she's interested in some guy and it's pretty painful to watch. Whatever, this isn't about me. I don't want her to be alone for the rest of her life. I just need to get the hell out of this house and get over the fact that we, her children, are just an accessory in the background, that while she says she loves us, and she does in a passive, distant, uncaring sort of way, we really don't mean much to her. It's been like living with a stranger the last couple of years and I've lost nearly all my respect for her. I'm not even sure that I love her anymore.
Other updates. I might be losing my job. They over hired and now we're running out of work, plus they started out-sourcing our ROI dept, so other people are also running out of work. Debating whether I should ditch now or wait it out. And, of course, that affects where I should move to.
I've gained a ton more weight, but who cares? I just feel physically awful. You know it's bad when you bend over and feel your fat smoosh into folds and it hurts!! Yikes.
I had a panic attack in my car a few days ago and had to sit there for 30 minutes before I could get myself to calm down about going into a store to buy cat food. It was ridiculous, but, you know, lots of crying, stupid shaking, spiraling thoughts, etc. I made it inside though, guys!! And squirmed every time someone looked at me. Damn, I'm not doing too good right now.
About a week before this, I accidentally scratched a lady's car with a grocery cart (just barely and it was so tiny!) and she was there to witness it, of course. She really chewed me out and triggered all my stupid PTSD shit. I had gone out to buy food for a meal plan I had all ready to go, which is a major deal for me (I never leave the house). But I was triggered. I put all the food away when I got home, then crawled into bed after closing all the blinds, and slipped into the never-ending spirals of self-disgust, self-hate, ineptitude, I shouldn't be alive. It's not just thoughts, it is a visceral experience. I feel it in my bones, I feel it in my heart, it is a literal weight. And I, no joke, lay there in bed for three hours and it seemed to pass in minutes.
Haven't seen KJ since the Game of Thrones finale, Nikki's still in Europe, trip to see Char back almost two months ago was GREAT but way too short and I haven't talked to her since. And I talk to Julie every couple of days.
I guess that's it for now.
