I can't settle on just one topic. Here's all the different thoughts crashing around in my brain:

1. Everything is so goddamn expensive in the area where I work. Or rather, everything in Silverdale and Port Orchard is. And I really don't like Bremerton as a place to live. But I need, NEED to move out.

2. I don't write anymore in my journals. And I'm not dealing with some hard things from this last year. Live day to day, but not in the moment, just seek distraction after useless distraction. I don't build, I don't grow, I lie in bed all day and gain pound after pound. Char is gonna be shocked when I go visit her next month.

3. I'm taking my first actual vacation in years to go visit my sister Char in Utah over the first weekend of June. We're going to see The Cure!!!! And I'm finally going to see the place where my dad is buried. It'll be so good to get awaaaaay and get quality time with Charmie. Haven't seen her since Dad died.

4. Got the last check from Dad's estate. Need to deposit that puppy. Shutting off all emotions. Engage.

5. Was looking at my old blog from when I was living in Utah, going to BYU. And one of the last entries was about a dream I had. (Speaking of dreams...I've had a few of a certain fella a week ago, but...I'm shutting that off too. Jesus.)

What was incredible while reading this old entry on my blog was that I had actually forgotten about this dream. Yet, as it always goes, as soon as I started reading it, I remembered it, how I felt, what was happening in my life then, and it feels like a dream, that time. Like it was someone else's life. But, hahaha, it's obviously mine. I mean, who else has a dream like this? From March 2010. Six effing years ago.

The deepest, clearest blue. Before my eyes, uplifting and effacing everything in its glory. The cool glass that lies between me and its presence is an eternal barrier. I will never reach through and melt into its pure hue. Every atom of my being aches to disappear in its embrace, but the cold glass will never permit this quenching. I am doomed to see and never touch, to yearn and never experience. The world lies forever in front of me, the past haunts my thoughts, and I am alone.
He’s in the other room, the one that faces west with the view of the lake and the dying sun, its light shifting into its last burning shades. All too soon, the night encompasses the world in its tones of darkest blue and sheltering black. Yet the door stays closed. There are other windows, leaving the room exposed from my position; I could see into the room if I wish, but I will not turn away from the wonder of my own blue light, somehow still thriving in the courtyard. This is my place. And I cannot move from it.
The door opens. Footsteps approach. The air feels cleaner, I breathe more easily. He stands to my right, at the other edge of the vast window, too far away. I cannot reach him. I gaze at him, but he does not turn. His face is hardened, his person inapproachable. The blue has swept him away, even as he stands, and he will not see me. I look back towards the blue out the window, feeling inexplicably cold and desperate. This was never for me, just as he never was for me. But I still cannot move. Never.