A brief update:

I moved out of my mom's house.

I got another job at a different hospital.

My sister has cancer. Finding out tomorrow if it has spread.

I can't do this again.

Doing a LOT better than I was. In just the last two weeks, I've:

-Gotten my RHIT back. Woot, woot. Now to keep it going!
-Applied for my car title. Got my registration tabs too.
-Been approached by my boss with a transfer position in Gig Harbor=not gonna lose my job. Position was just posted yesterday, will be filling out the application tomorrow. It's technically not guaranteed, technically, but it's mine.
-Ordered a Smartphone. Just got here today. Have to call Tmobile about a few kinks, but it's friggin beautiful and I don't know why I denied myself this beauty for so long.
-Read like 5 different books.
-Started writing in my journal after about 6 months. Woot.

There's still a lot to do, and more events are heading my way, but I'm starting to feel like a human being again. Feels pretty damn good.

This next week, I plan to:

-Apply for the job
-Figure out the smartphone plan problem
-Get my poor cat with the matted fur to a groomer. It's outta control.
-Wash car, get haircut
-Apply for renewal of my passport
-Nikki is back in the USA after 3 months. Make contact!! Eeee!
-Serious apartment hunt
-Work on remaining CRCR studying. Take certification exam in two weeks, max. Grrrrrrr, bring it!!!!
-Oh, right, renew membership with AHIMA
-Write the grudging grandmother so I can get a copy of the family book (she gave one to Mom, KJ, Nikki and Char, but Julie and I have to reach out to her first before she'll send it to us. WTF.)
-Speaking of that grandma, and all the terrible, disgusting associations with my family and that religion, request that my effing name be removed from the LDS church membership. Freaking disgusting census.

-If time, hahaha, get some new friggin clothes//make an effing health plan. It's bad guys, really bad.

Can I do ALL THE THINGS this week? Probably not, but I have goals here and all of this needs to be taken care of. :)

P.S.
Discovered another album by The Cure that I love. Here's a song:

Last night, I dreamed I was going to be executed. Because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone was murdered and I was too stupid to speak, to explain why I was in that situation and how I couldn't possibly be the killer. I was convicted guilty, without a trial, and I was going to die. Tomorrow. Case closed.

I tried to tell my family, my mom, my sisters. They were in the same room with me, all watching the TV in the living room, but I was ignored. I kept telling them that I was going to be fucking executed, tomorrow, that I needed to talk to them, that I needed their help and I may as well have not existed. They didn't react, didn't hear me, didn't see me. I started screaming at them and still, nothing. A ghost in my own home. Didn't they care? Was I already dead? Even as I walked outside to my car to go to the designated location. It was inescapable, no point in running and this time tomorrow, I truly wouldn't exist. And I was so, so scared. And alone.

Pretty bad, right? I had a very different kind of nightmare the night before, involving submersion and creepy demon births and children being axed and sliced in horribly visceral ways by a demon girl that's been after me my whole life. I could hear the cutting, smelled the guts and the blood, and the screams were...

It was effing scary. And when I woke up, I heard footsteps pacing around my bed and the sound of moving fabric. My cats were nowhere to be seen. Mom wasn't up yet. I hope I was still dreaming...but I know I was awake. And terrified. Which reminded me of other creepy shit, inexplicable things I've experienced and locked away somewhere dark and quiet. I started panicking as I listened to those light footfalls, even as I refused to move in my bed for fear that it would know I was awake.  I did what I did last time, recited the names of people I love like some kind of mantra. Gives me a focus and an attempt to use it against...what the hell, right?

Eventually, the pacing went away and the air was suddenly lighter, no menace.

I sound effing crazy, I know. I just hate when this happens. It's been a couple years since the last time and that WASN'T malicious. Course, I wonder if I'm just mentally unstable. Mental issues run on my mom's side of the family.

Anyway, in other news...

Mom is dating a new fella, like hardcore dating, in the last month or so. She is over at his place every evening. She's met half of his kids and they are planning to visit the rest of them in a couple of weeks. He wants to meet me and my sister. And because they're Mormon and not getting any younger (Mom's early 60's, Dale's early 70's)...I'll bet they're married before Thanksgiving. 2nd step-dad. Haha, and I'll have step-siblings in their 40's and 50's. Lovely. 

I'm happy that she's happy, but I worry. My mom has demonstrated beyond shitty taste in men in the past, she is terrible at communication, and sort of lives in this dream world most of the time. She turns into someone else when she's interested in some guy and it's pretty painful to watch. Whatever, this isn't about me. I don't want her to be alone for the rest of her life. I just need to get the hell out of this house and get over the fact that we, her children, are just an accessory in the background, that while she says she loves us, and she does in a passive, distant, uncaring sort of way, we really don't mean much to her. It's been like living with a stranger the last couple of years and I've lost nearly all my respect for her. I'm not even sure that I love her anymore. 

Other updates. I might be losing my job. They over hired and now we're running out of work, plus they started out-sourcing our ROI dept, so other people are also running out of work. Debating whether I should ditch now or wait it out. And, of course, that affects where I should move to.

 I've gained a ton more weight, but who cares? I just feel physically awful. You know it's bad when you bend over and feel your fat smoosh into folds and it hurts!! Yikes. 

I had a panic attack in my car a few days ago and had to sit there for 30 minutes before I could get myself to calm down about going into a store to buy cat food. It was ridiculous, but, you know, lots of crying, stupid shaking, spiraling thoughts, etc. I made it inside though, guys!! And squirmed every time someone looked at me.  Damn, I'm not doing too good right now. 

About a week before this, I accidentally scratched a lady's car with a grocery cart (just barely and it was so tiny!) and she was there to witness it, of course. She really chewed me out and triggered all my stupid PTSD shit. I had gone out to buy food for a meal plan I had all ready to go, which is a major deal for me (I never leave the house). But I was triggered. I put all the food away when I got home, then crawled into bed after closing all the blinds, and slipped into the never-ending spirals of self-disgust, self-hate, ineptitude, I shouldn't be alive. It's not just thoughts, it is a visceral experience. I feel it in my bones, I feel it in my heart, it is a literal weight. And I, no joke, lay there in bed for three hours and it seemed to pass in minutes.

Haven't seen KJ since the Game of Thrones finale, Nikki's still in Europe, trip to see Char back almost two months ago was GREAT but way too short and I haven't talked to her since. And I talk to Julie every couple of days. 

I guess that's it for now. 

Had another dream last night. I barely remember it, but its sweetness and impossibility has lingered with me since I woke up. No, it's not reality, but it made my day feel a little bit magical.

SOOOO excited to see The Cure on June 3rd!!!! 

I can't settle on just one topic. Here's all the different thoughts crashing around in my brain:

1. Everything is so goddamn expensive in the area where I work. Or rather, everything in Silverdale and Port Orchard is. And I really don't like Bremerton as a place to live. But I need, NEED to move out.

2. I don't write anymore in my journals. And I'm not dealing with some hard things from this last year. Live day to day, but not in the moment, just seek distraction after useless distraction. I don't build, I don't grow, I lie in bed all day and gain pound after pound. Char is gonna be shocked when I go visit her next month.

3. I'm taking my first actual vacation in years to go visit my sister Char in Utah over the first weekend of June. We're going to see The Cure!!!! And I'm finally going to see the place where my dad is buried. It'll be so good to get awaaaaay and get quality time with Charmie. Haven't seen her since Dad died.

4. Got the last check from Dad's estate. Need to deposit that puppy. Shutting off all emotions. Engage.

5. Was looking at my old blog from when I was living in Utah, going to BYU. And one of the last entries was about a dream I had. (Speaking of dreams...I've had a few of a certain fella a week ago, but...I'm shutting that off too. Jesus.)

What was incredible while reading this old entry on my blog was that I had actually forgotten about this dream. Yet, as it always goes, as soon as I started reading it, I remembered it, how I felt, what was happening in my life then, and it feels like a dream, that time. Like it was someone else's life. But, hahaha, it's obviously mine. I mean, who else has a dream like this? From March 2010. Six effing years ago.

The deepest, clearest blue. Before my eyes, uplifting and effacing everything in its glory. The cool glass that lies between me and its presence is an eternal barrier. I will never reach through and melt into its pure hue. Every atom of my being aches to disappear in its embrace, but the cold glass will never permit this quenching. I am doomed to see and never touch, to yearn and never experience. The world lies forever in front of me, the past haunts my thoughts, and I am alone.
He’s in the other room, the one that faces west with the view of the lake and the dying sun, its light shifting into its last burning shades. All too soon, the night encompasses the world in its tones of darkest blue and sheltering black. Yet the door stays closed. There are other windows, leaving the room exposed from my position; I could see into the room if I wish, but I will not turn away from the wonder of my own blue light, somehow still thriving in the courtyard. This is my place. And I cannot move from it.
The door opens. Footsteps approach. The air feels cleaner, I breathe more easily. He stands to my right, at the other edge of the vast window, too far away. I cannot reach him. I gaze at him, but he does not turn. His face is hardened, his person inapproachable. The blue has swept him away, even as he stands, and he will not see me. I look back towards the blue out the window, feeling inexplicably cold and desperate. This was never for me, just as he never was for me. But I still cannot move. Never.

Mhmmmmmm

I recently watched a sweet, dramatic anime called Your Lie in April, available to stream on Netflix. It's anime, so certain qualities automatically go with that, but this show reawakened my love of classical music. It never went away, but it's something I haven't sought out in a while. Take a listen!

Whoops, accidentally deleted my entry from last night (?). Sad face. Here are the tunes:

They accidentally got deleted because I was a little tiny bit DISTRACTED WITH THE NEW GAME OF THRONES TRAILER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm on a such a crazy energy rush and have been for the last three hours! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI0ib1NErqg

Stupid Blogger won't let me locate it through Youtube, so the link's above. Oh my god. Sansa is finally, FINALLY back in the North as a Stark and hopefully about to start killing Boltons and Freys, Bran is back with his awesome powers of sight, Arya is getting even more kick ass, Drogon is effing huge, DAVOS, the White Walkers!!!! The flashback to the Tower of Joy. Tyrion and the dragons!!!! AAAAAAAAAH!!! I've watched it so, so, so many times and I still just. Can't. AAAAAAH. 

Wonder if I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. Hehehehehe, probably not. And that's okay with me. Squeeeeeeeeee!

Hozier

This is why I'm grinning as I clean the house. :)

Julie recommended Hozier to me yesterday and I'm kinda in love with this guy. Take a listen!

James Horner. His music IS my childhood. That and some Enya, early Sarah McLachlan, and Clannad. I can't believe he's been dead almost a year and I can't believe he wasn't recognized more in his heyday, with the exception of Titanic (sigh. Pop culture. I do love that soundtrack too, but what about all his other works? How did Braveheart not get an Academy Award??!!!). 

Yes, in later films, he did use old material with slight variations and that got annoying, but the soundtracks from the '90s were wonderful. Each of these songs brought a depth and poignancy that defined these movies. I get teary-eyed listening to any of these. Take a listen. 

Dreams

In the last five years, I have rarely dreamed in my sleep. When I have experienced dreams, they have always been stressful, traumatic, scary, or disheartening. Sort of reflecting my own perception of myself, my life, and how I see the world. There have been a few supportive, semi-comforting dreams, but the details would never stick and I didn't really care.

When I was a kid, I would sometimes dream what would happen the next day. It didn't happen that often, but sometimes, as a conversation would unfold in my elementary school class, I would suddenly recognize the exact voice and words being spoken from a dream I had. I knew who would respond next and what they would say and who would speak after that person. I would watch it play out before me exactly as I had dreamed it and it scared me to death. I didn't understand how I could know something like that. And I still don't know.

The same thing goes for intuition. Sometimes, I have these powerful moments of intuition where I just know, incontrovertibly, something that is about to happen, or I suddenly, powerfully recognize a person I have never seen before in my life (like Paul or Kyle), or I just know that somehow I'm going to be affected by something or someone in such a way that my life will change.

And sometimes it's over minor things, like knowing what someone was thinking without them saying it (doesn't happen very often!), or over objects, like that Valentine's Day in 2010 when my roommates were getting package after package and flower delivery after flower delivery left on our porch. I wasn't expecting anything and honestly didn't care, but when I stepped out my door to go to work, I saw a little package on our porch rug and everything in me suddenly, possessively proclaimed "THAT'S MINE!" I remember being so floored, so confused by the intensity of that inexplicable reaction and I was actually scared to pick up the bag. But I finally did and, sure enough, no surprise, it was for me. From some secret admirer. Which was impossible, absolutely impossible. I was in such shock over it, that when I came back from work, I put it on my desk, unopened, and just stared at from my bed across the room, wondering how the hell it existed, why would anyone want to send me something, was it a joke? It had taken forethought, intent and I couldn't (and still can't) believe that someone actually wanted to give me something. I kept the bag after eating all the cinnamon flavored chocolate bears (which I don't like, but I wanted to honor this amazing, impossible gift) and cherry-flavored lips (umm, kinda suggestive and kinda awesome). I still have the bag. And even though this was six years ago, I still pull it out every Valentine's Day and just wonder over it for a few minutes.

That was a major tangent. My point was that dreams used to be a big deal for me. I kept dream journals and used to have powerful, intense dreams that would affect me so deeply and stay with me for days and days. And even though I outgrew that particular ability of dreaming what would happen the next day, I still valued these dreams and, honestly, lived for them and desperately wanted to believe they had some sort of unconscious truth to them. Particularly over one person back at BYU. When I first met him, I experienced the most intense moment of recognition/intuition in my entire life. It scared the living shit out of me. But I won't go into details about all of this, except to say that yes, I had many intense dreams about him, some of which I later on learned held details that were actually true about him that I couldn't have known (the state he was from, the number of siblings, that he had lived on a ranch, etc).  But that ship sailed long ago. And I had locked all of this away, up to the point where I have honestly lost all of who I was once was, that vibrancy and joy of life back when I believed and was so intensely moved by my intuition and dreams.

But last night, I had two dreams that were...that were so intense and so wonderful, just like the dreams I used to have 5+ years ago. And one involved this person I haven't dreamed of in a good way since 2011. But now I'm hesitant to write them down. They're so personal. One involved him and one involved flying and both filled me with that old wonder. I'm grateful I had them, It seems to tie in with the shift happening in my life now. Perhaps I will write them down in my journal, although maybe I won't. I don't want to get hyped up and tangled over what might have been. Already trying to push it away, bury it forever...

Wow, all that build-up for nothing, right? I miss who I used to be, and when I woke up this morning from these dreams, for just a moment, I felt how I used to. But we can't go back.

Well, this week certainly hasn't gone as planned. I've been sick since Saturday. Went in for my first day on Monday, then called out sick Tuesday, Wednesday, and today.  Bad as the congestion, coughing, and sore throat are, it's the fatigue that is really hitting me. Been sleeping over 12 hours at night and then another six hours during the day, every day. And, of course, drinking tons of water, tea, hot cocoa, and eating almost nothing. I've never been hit so hard by a cold before.

And since it's been three days, I have to provide a doctor's note to keep my brand new job, so I went and saw a doctor today for the first time in over ten years, which was a strange experience for me, Shockingly, there really wasn't anything they could do, except to say treat the symptoms. Hahaha.   But I got my doctor's note. They told me that because I have a fever, I shouldn't go in to work tomorrow, but Monday should be okay.

I've never missed four days of work in a row for an illness. I feel pretty awful still, but I really don't think sitting on my ass for another day is going to help. And I'll have the weekend to sleep. So, gonna psyche myself into going again...but really, I am tired. I get up and walk around a little bit and I have to sit back down pretty quickly.

Okay, so undecided. But I know I should just go in. It's just one day and now that I have my ID and parking sticker and know where to park and won't be accosted by security, I think it will be okay. I have the mask I was given by the doc's office, too, which is good.

Maybe next week, right? You know, the first year marker of Dad's death, on Monday. Fuck.

I still haven't written it down in full, that experience of watching my dad die a slow, horrible death. I don't think I ever will. But I wish I had someone to talk to about it who's outside of my family. It's great to have a a ton of sisters who were there and who get it, but one thing that really struck home during that time was that they all had someone outside of our immediate family, a spouse or boyfriend, or a really close friend, to turn to and talk to, someone outside of the tangled, toxic history.

Guess it's time I really considered therapy.

Have a song. Or three!

Tomorrow is my last day at my job! Moving on to the Health Information Management department at a hospital in Bremerton. Definitely a step in the right direction. Now, all I gotta do is get the hell out of this house! I hope to be gone by April, but it may take as long as  May. Grrrrr.

I am excited to start this new job, but with every new beginning, something else ends. I won't miss my actual position in Patient Access, but I will miss some of the people there. And I always feel this tug at my heart when something ends. Things will never be the same, you know? Undoubtedly,  I will linger over my desk at the end of my last shift and have memories flood my mind all at once. Endings are always bittersweet. But it's been a long time coming and I'm ready to leave.

Some problems have cropped up in the last 24 hours related to the new job, but you know what? They will be dealt with. I had one good thing happen to me this last week and whenever that miracle suddenly appears, there's always complications in other areas of my life that hit all at once. Thanks, universe. I knew you hadn't forgotten me, crouching in the shadows.

I'm so god damn lonely. There's no one to share any of this with. Julie and I call each other every couple of days to chat, at least. I think I would emotionally wilt away if I didn't have her in my life. I'm so, so lonely. My social skills have shriveled into nothing, my heart is so hardened, my self-perception is so blank, so empty. I crave physical comfort from another human being. I've gone without it for years and years and I feel that somehow if I had that, another person to hold, another person who cared and wanted to be in my life, who I cared about and wanted to be in their life, if I could just hold onto them and know that I was worth something to someone, maybe I could feel whole. What is that like?

To quote Before Sunset, "I feel like if someone were to touch me, I would dissolve into molecules."

Maybe this will help me sleep. Sweet dreams.

My two cats are mirroring each other on my bed while I listen to singles by Daughter that I just bought on iTunes. It's been a long day of watching random videos on Youtube and season 4 of Parks and Recreation. I managed to do one load of laundry, but I still haven't folded the clothes. The fridge is empty, my bathroom's a wreck, my night stand and dresser are covered in used dishes, glasses, and empty Amazon boxes. My period started this morning. I feel sick from lying in my bed for the last two days, eating oatmeal, old pasta, and peanut butter with chocolate chips. I've been having dreams of my dad this last week and have randomly smelled at work that horrible smell from his bedroom, that combination of bile, blood, starvation, death. 

That room that held so many memories, mostly bad ones. But when I went down there and stayed with him for those six months in 2012, we actually had almost a few, normal conversations in that room. How many times did I see him take naps on that bed? And that's where he died. Except that he died on a hospital bed that was brought in for the last two days, so the blood/bile coming up out of his mouth wasn't quite as much as when he was lying flat on his bed. And now I'm crying and I swear, I didn't set out to write about him, but he's been on my mind a lot the past couple of weeks and I can't help but feel horrible, absolutely horrible, even though there wasn't a damn thing that could be done to fix our relationship, because he was inflexible, so strange, completely lacking empathy, and never once recognized that the way he had treated us was abusive and wrong. But I should have gone to see him that last Christmas, I should have called him more. He wouldn't have communicated anything and my reaching out really would not have changed anything, and I don't regret not having him in my life now, but I hate, I hate how he died. No one deserves a death like that. No one. Why am I smelling it?!!! And at work, I've had so many patients' accounts with the date of birth of March 7th and it's like a little, precise stab into my psyche. Or, even worse, and this has happened a few times, when Moody Blues suddenly comes on the hold music for an insurance company while working on a patient with that date of birth and I'm already thinking about him. Argh!! 

He's been dead eleven months today. I just realized that. I was only thinking about it being about a month until the one year marker. I asked for March 7th off from work. Hopefully, I will get it. I have nothing planned, I just can't be there that day. 

I don't really have the heart to write about my personal life otherwise. Well, except I may possibly have a new job soon in HIM, fingers crossed. But I've hit so many walls in this application process for this job, it's been such a long time, and now, at the very end, I've hit one more wall, and it's killing me. I want, I NEED to turn in my two weeks' notice. My current job is absolute poison to me. The HIM department will be another hen house, but it won't be tinged with memories from the worst years of my life. Granted, I only started here in Feb 2013, so 2011 & 2012 weren't included (and those years were BAD), but it's still toxic to me. I can't stand the people I work with, the work itself, and, well, everything else.