And they're gone.

This past week was a lot of fun for the most part. So nice to kick back and not go into work and watch movies with my sister. Had a good chat with my brother-in-law too at one point. Played lots of games, did some shopping, went out to see the Wetlands Nature Preserve in Belfair, spent some time with KJ/Kelli, my mom irritated me to no end, etc.

Nikki's Xmas package never arrived here. In my family, the married couple's give each other presents, as well as the parents, and Nikki and I exchange presents, so Christmas was a little bland. I just feel terrible because this year Nikki crocheted an amazing gift for both  me and my mom and spent all that money too. 

And I spoke with my dad on Christmas. Julie was over there at his house and answered the phone. When he got on the phone, I could just hear how much pain he was in and he was so out of breath too. He hardly spoke a word and after ten minutes, I ran out of things to say or ask and was trying to hide the fact that I was crying. Gotta call him on Tuesday too since it's both his birthday and mine. 

Dreading going back to work/school (starts again Jan 5th). Gotta make this weekend count! 

Needed a break from the cleaning! I have to clear out of my room tomorrow to make way for Char and Dave. I'll be sleeping on a blow up mattress in the dining room while they're here. Yay!!! Oh well, nothing anyone can do about it. I'm just happy that they will be here for Christmas! Last year was so depressing. It was me, Mom, and Bill, months after he had moved out. Awkward! And he hung around for the whole day, morning to midnight practically.

Aaaah, my cat just dug her claws into my hand. Ouch. Probably should cut their claws before Char and Dave get here. Their plane lands at 8am. Yahoooo.

I almost blogged on Tuesday to talk about how I must be completely out of my mind about a certain fellow, but decided not let myself make a drama out of it all. Then something else happened yesterday that made me wonder if maybe...and then I didn't say goodbye today. Because I'm a coward. I hate, hate, hate forcing myself on other people, especially people I like. I don't want to be an attention-seeker, but it's so extreme that I end up appearing unfriendly and mean. God, I hate it.

Don't know if I'll blog or not during this next week, but now that I think about it, I probably will. I'm always so happy to see family after being apart for a long time, and then I always end up depressed by how much things have changed...and not changed...Guess I can't ever be satisfied. Isn't it completely stupid?

If I don't post anything, Merry Christmas!

I always want to think that somehow this blog matters to someone out there. Wouldn't that be nice? It's wretched, actually, because then I start to wonder or hope that it matters to someone I actually know, who I might see every day. So, when something happens that seems to relate to what I just wrote...I'm setting myself up to see connections that are not there. Logic does not play a role. Like when a storming sea suddenly, dangerously smolders in someone's eyes, enhanced by an infectious, utterly contrasting grin...can I just be seared away forever and not wonder anymore?

Gotta love how dramatic I am, but it's all still true. I'm good at closing doors on things best forgotten; I just needed to get it out of my system.

Been Christmas shopping online for the family tonight and it's so much fun! Got Kjerstie, Julie, Char, and Dave taken care of tonight, which leaves Mom, Dad (aargh--what do you buy a dying man??), Nikki (who still hasn't sent me a list of ideas), and Kelli. And I'm thinking I might make cookies to bring to work sometime this week, especially for poor Sharon who will have to help manage our workload while I'm gone all next week. So excited for a break!!

Goodnight.

I honestly don't know where to start, so I have been avoiding this blog and my journal this whole weekend. And I don't feel driven to write about any of this either, but it might clear my head a little.

The night before Friday, I stayed up until 1am, reading a book I didn't mean to get sucked into, but after three hours I looked at the clock for the first time and realized "oh, crap" and tried to sleep with that story racing through my mind. Didn't work out too well.

And then Friday at work was chaotic, for many reasons, and it was probably that much more difficult because I didn't have the mental capacity to think on three hours of sleep. And then, completely out of the blue, I get asked out via email by someone at work.

I had often wondered why he emailed me so much or would keep talking to me despite how awkward and boring I am, but I literally had no idea that he was interested in me. The whole idea of anyone being interested in me, especially the way I am now, is so laughable, impossible, and yet somehow this happened.

My past history with guys is simple: my friend's brother once took me out to lunch and I wasn't quite sure if  it was a date or not, but it must have been because he was sooooo nervous in a way I never seen before and I felt terrible because I wasn't interested in him at all. And while waiting for over an hour for a late friend at Culver's in Texas (during the six months I spent living with my dad), a guy hung around that whole time and eventually came over, asking for my number. And now this.

What do you say when you don't feel a spark and no interest, even after talking for some time, or have known them for over a year and they ask you out out of nowhere? I can't imagine the guts it takes to approach someone and make yourself vulnerable and be turned away. I don't take risks, I have trust issues, and I think there must be something wrong with me because I don't like most people. And even the people I do like in a general comradery sort of way, it doesn't have any lasting effect on me. It's the rare ones that are like gasoline to a flame, the ones that wake me up and terrify me with how much I feel in a single glance, that I would follow anywhere and, I think, completely lose myself in. Every choice is wrong. I need to feel something, but what I feel is always extreme and rare.

I turned this guy down in as nice a way as I could come up with while being completely in shock and running on the fumes left after not sleeping. Everything is so goddamn serious to me and I feel incredibly awkward going to back to work tomorrow, especially after he replied to my response by listing off things he liked about me and that it was okay. Am I horrible person if I don't want to risk hanging out with someone because I don't want to give the wrong idea? Did I do the right thing? Did I throw away a rare opportunity?

The one thing I can take away from this is the tantalizing fact that you can never truly know what people think of you.

My mom's piano playing/singing is driving me NUTS. If she was good, it wouldn't bother me. But it's the same sappy and/or preachy church music that makes me cringe from the first heavily, heavily struck chord. Oh mom, the way you pound out music so soullessly, just aaack. And her voice is so weak and offkey, it makes my skin crawl.

To drown her out, I've been Youtube-ing Christmas songs and trying to get excited about the holidays. Guess I'm getting old, cause, damn, it's not working. But music is music. Which reminded me that I had created a Xmas playlist years ago. So check it out on the right.

It definitely needs some editing, but I'll worry about that when finals are over.

Trying to come up with a Christmas/birthday list is really, really difficult! I've spent the last two hours on it and have a fairly decent one now, but man, it didn't use to be like this. I guess that's what happens when you have money--you buy the things you want. Most of what I'm asking for this year will be for when I move out, kitchen and bathroom things, etc.

Last night was fun! I went over to Kjerstie/Kelli's after work and hung out. Watched a ton of "Honest Trailers," played some games, Kelli made an amazing potato and leek soup, and then I got to witness them have an actual fight! Aaaaaah. I've seen them disagree, but never where they lost their tempers! So awkward being the random, third-wheel witness.

I don't want to think about tomorrow. Gotta get up at 7am and dive into the madness. This next week of finals/projects will be one giant migraine, but once it's over, I'm free until January!

Since I last wrote:

-Spoke with my dad on Thanksgiving. He told us that it might be time for him to throw in the towel with work.  For him, we've always known that as long as Dad was working, he was doing okay, but that eventually, when nearing the end, he would have to quit. He hasn't quit yet, but hearing him openly approach the subject was surprising--he's been acting like his tough attitude could beat down what the medical results are saying, so admitting that he might be burned out is a definite sign that he actually is. He can never be weak in front of anyone.

-Saw Interstellar with Kjerstie/Kelli yesterday. I've been looking forward to this movie for almost a year, which kind of explains my intense disappointment. I looooved the beginning of the movie, including when they went into space. Once they brought in the random motivation of Amelia's character to see her never-before-mentioned, old love marooned on one the planets they were trying to get to....it all just tanked. Then...enter Matt Damon's character and the stupid, STUPID fight and the helmet cracking and the grandiose script and shit, it all pissed me off. In addition to all that crazy, the tributes to 2001: Space Odyssey that were made in the movie were almost too much, like stealing. And the fact that the women were always these emotional and therefore irrational beings that were given the answers by men, just, UGH.........

I still love space movies. And I will buy this one. Visually, it was so beautiful and it's amazing how they used actual physics to depict what a wormhole or black hole would look like, as well as for the story, you know, except for the presence and effects of radiation. Did they forget about that? HAH. Whatever.

12/2/14: Okay, so I know my review sounds harsh. I was still reeling from all the improbabilities and the lack of human connection, and my ultra-sensitivity to sexist stuff etc, etc, but honestly, I do really like the movie. Things are never what you expect them to be, right?

Found two glorious Youtube fan videos of Game of Thrones. But I won't post them. Instead, I'll just post the songs used, which make up half their beauty.

12/2/14--P.S. Isn't it totally ironic that the song I found for a GoT video is called Saturn and Interstellar's wormhole was right by Saturn. Man, I loved those shots in that movie of the ship flying near that planet. And it's my ruling planet--Capricorn. :)

I can't get this song out of my head. And I don't want to.

I've so much I want to write about, if only to get my perspective and emotions figured out, but I'm a little hesitant to do that. It wouldn't serve much of a purpose anyway. I know I would still be in limbo. And why bother holding onto things that have already lost their significance?

I don't think I was totally making things up, but I do know that I've been an idiot.

Today was a good day, with this song keeping me company. I hope tomorrow flies by just as quickly.

For you, whoever you are.

I promise, I'm not going to talk about my moods in this entry.

But I hate how I live. I am bound by these awful constraints that maybe my dad started, but I, and only I, have perpetuated, turning these behaviors and thought processes into something that feels uncontrollable now.

I cannot let myself do what I want to do. I put on such a show of indifference. As if the things that are important to me don't matter, as if I have no interest in the things that tug at my soul.  I come off as distant, rude, uncaring, simple-minded, flat-out weird. And when I'm in the midst of my depression, I simply don't care; I have no interests then. But when I'm not in the mindset...I feel so ashamed. Of who I am and how I come across to others. 

I've been re-reading Evening by Susan Minot and came across this quote that struck home. 

"She could not let what passed between them matter too much afterwards so that when the memory tried to assert itself it had been pushed down by reason and habit and time, eventually becoming no more than a scruffy hidden scar on a scruffy hillside. She had worked to rub it out. That this had been forgotten once and would be forgotten again suddenly seemed worse to her than her own life ending." 

I do exactly this with anything good that happens to me. I worry that I make too much of small things, small gestures, and I don't want to get emotional over things so seemingly insignificant, to be so damned affected, but I always, always am and it's something I can't stop. Except by pushing it down with reason, out of habit, and knowing that with the passing of time, it will be as if it never happened. And isn't that utterly twisted? That I live at such extremes? To be so moved by something so small and feel ashamed of that emotion? And that my next course of action is to snuff it out as quickly as possible. But it's what I do. 

And it is worse than anything. I'm going to try to work on that. 

Just as I've been slowly, quietly, trying to work on other things about myself. I've made a promise to go shopping for clothes/personal items for one hour a week. Last week, I bought new mascara, underwear, a few new tanks, a random but beautiful green scarf, and clear nail polish, since I'm trying to stop biting my nails again and this is only method that has semi-worked in the past. 

That may seem like nothing, but I haven't bought anything personal like this for myself in almost two years.

I want to try to change. 

As a side note, my dad went to the hospital because he was having severe abdominal pain. He had an ultrasound done and it looks like the pain is being caused by a gigantic tumor in his liver, which has grown quite a bit since he last had a scan done (his cancer spread to his liver back in Aug 2013). Since my younger sister was there, he couldn't lie about the results (like he normally does)--it's 9cm long. 

It's amazing that he has lived this long--2 1/2 years with esophageal cancer. But now he's needing pain management...and if that thing ruptures or tears, he could bleed out internally. 

This post was for me, for my sanity. An attempt to get a new perspective, sort of. But now, homework calls. Again. 

I've been such a wreck today. Swayed and held under by my moods of despair, self-disgust, etc . I randomly felt so miserable that I started crying at three separate times while at my desk at work! Aaaaah! Writing random words over and over like "fraud" or "frozen."

I think I might be going crazy. And not just from lack of sleep.

I admit, I have been writing a lot on this blog lately because I was manic over things that had the potential for joy and it's absolutely amazing how even the sheer possibility of something good can make me sooooo happy. And a lunatic.

And, of course, when that pathetic shadow of a hope is taken away, the real crazy settles in. Then I'm forced to truly take a hard look at myself and try not to be buried under the difficult facts. And today was just one of those days when I let myself be overwhelmed, I guess. But I literally felt like I had no defenses. None.

I learned this evening that my dad is going to the hospital. Still waiting to hear from my younger sister on what exactly is going on, but we all know. Even if it isn't today or tomorrow, that pathetic, infuriating piece of work is dying and it will be within this next year. And my life won't be any different with him gone. I won't miss him. I won't even cry when he's dead, unless it's for the waste of his life and the reality that I will never, ever have a father who gives a damn.

You wanna know something stupid? I debated over and over whether or not I would actually "publish" this post, just in case someone actually saw this.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Have a song.

One day this last week, I was over-the-moon happy. For no reason, whatsoever. None of the usual things that spiral me downwards could touch me that day. But there was nothing lifting me up either. I literally have no idea why. More sleep that day, maybe?

Manic depression runs in the family on my mom's side, I know. And I think I got a portion of that depression/moodiness going on. Because the next day, the dumb little things affected me again, dragged me down into that stupid pit of "nothing matters, I'm worth nothing, etc." And when I barely touched the surface on the topic of my father with a co-worker, I was so angry that I couldn't stop shaking for a good hour. When I'm alone, it doesn't affect me in the same way, but as soon as I vocalize it to a semi-normal human being, I'm infuriated that it all happened and that I cannot express it right. I don't want pity, I don't want to dramatize what my childhood/teenage years were like, I just want someone to understand that I am the way I am in part of because of the freak I was raised by. But I can't get it right. And I get really, really upset by all of it, the sharing and the remembering.

After writing all this, I went skimming through the internet for 30 minutes. I'm not sure I really had a point to this post....or why I felt compelled to write one at all. Today was kind of a lousy day. Talked to my cats (yes, you read that right), watched Girl with a Dragon Tattoo and then, for the hell of it, started watching Orange is the New Black (really like it so far). Nearly watched the whole first season. Yikes.

Tomorrow is my official homework/laundry/stress-out day.

And then...back to work.

I'm so tired of my isolation, but it's all I've had the past three years. The thought that I'm turning 26 next month is just laughable.

I've spent another 15 minutes just trying to find a song that I am feeling right now, but no luck. And I'm tired. Whatever. G'night.

Silly, Stupid Daughter

I'm so fucking disturbed by what my mom just said to me, so instead of finishing my homework, I'm here. Seething.

Lately, I've been severely sleep deprived. All my free time is given to school work, with one solitary hour I let myself have to work on something else...or drift...but it's turned me into an insomniac. I can't shut my brain off anymore.

So...when I'm sleep deprived, I tend to go into even more extreme moods. Extremely sleepy, extremely giggly, extremely snappy, extremely numb.

Mom comes in and talks about how she hurt herself on accident, AGAIN (hit her head on something), and I start laughing too hard over it. It didn't warrant the giggling, but everything is so much funnier when everything's hazy and too many things haven't been working out already this day. I can use words properly into sentences?

I apologized and said I get stupid when I never sleep and I don't think I'll ever sleep fully ever again. And Mom, my silent matyr, talks about how she never gets more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep (so she wins, since I get five whole hours). I ask how she can be so calm and collected all the time and not outright crazy on that amount.

Well, pooh pooh my selfish, utterly lacking in self-control child (yeah, she said that, practically). I had to learn the hard way by having you kids and being married to your dad. And I think that's why I was married to him. That must've been the reason why God had me marry him. I was supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut. I probably had a problem with that in the previous, pre-mortal life.

Yeah....THAT'S why God predestined you to marry a sick son-of-a-bitch, to learn through 30+ years of abuse to keep your trap shut... and you are totally unaccountable in that great life decision, of course.

Oh, by the way, Mom, every goddamn person in this world has that problem--no one knows how to shut up. But you're a special case, a special kind of nuts.

Thanks for the dig. You're right. I have no self-control. NONE.

Enter maniacal laughter, again.

I'm going to go throw up now. It's this kind of shit I cannot stand. So self-deprecating, so limiting, so disgusting.

"And I'm falling down like it's holy ground"

My moods are so inexplicable to me.

I love the idea of another person, but who the hell am I kidding? My overly strong reactions to teeny tiny gestures of whatever are manic and crazy. They're so strong because I've always been alone, never having known how to be around other people. There are social expectations that I simply cannot manage to meet and it's so pathetic how basic and understandable those expectations are. It's like I'm living in another world in my head that makes more sense than the world around me, but try to explain how....and I realize that, actually, the hazy world I live is no shadowy, lovely secret anymore, and it's so empty, incomprehensible, even to myself, and it does. not. make. sense.

So I'm having insanely strong, emotional reactions to gestures so faint that I'm almost positive I'm making it all up in my head. And everyone who is required to interact with me must think I'm insane. And I feel so crazy that I go off and take walks down to the water in freezing rain and dim light, looking into the depths and feeling a slight sense of security in knowing that possibility is always there, not that I would ever take it...

I shouldn't feel so on guard around him, shouldn't feel so flustered and wary and embarrassed. I wish my mind wouldn't go blank every god damn time...and I turn away every god damn time, wordless, just silenced and immediately, instinctively distancing myself away from the merest hint of...what? Comradery? Because that is all it is, you idiot.

Here's a nice tune to drown my/your soul in. Or two. Matthew, you devil, I wish I could disappear into that voice of yours. Too bad you always fall back to cheesy lines/melodies for your climaxes when the beginnings promised sooooooooo much. Can we draw a parallel or two from that...?

Damn you.

"A joke in the way that we rust and breathe again"

This last week was rough. So disheartening, disappointing, and, inevitably, stressful due to the homework load. This week won't be much better...

Don't feel like going into the reasons.

I found some new music this last week, which I've added to the top of the playlist. Love the whimsical sound of these songs...and the brooding tracks, of course. You know me, the darker, the better.

Watched a lot of Walking Dead yesterday. I love Season 4! It has such great character development and Andrew Lincoln breaks my heart. Loved him since Love Actually and Wuthering Heights. I think it's so funny how I saw both him and David Morrisey (the Governor) in British productions before they both ended up playing Southerners in this show.

Alright...don't have much to add, so it's back to the homework. Or, if I'm being honest, another episode of Walking Dead. I love Daryl, Rick, and Michonne.

This is always the worst part. Coming back to the house after my sister is gone and trying to go back to my old routine. Both the house and my attempts to fall back are so empty. I can't concentrate on anything and I cannot muster an interest in doing anything, although I automatically cleaned the house, as if setting things to rights could eradicate the painful lump in my throat or fill the silence.

And with Julie, it's just so different. When Nikki left a few weeks ago, I was all ready to see her off. We had a fun weekend at Mt. Baker, but I can only take Nikki for so long. I love her and she is so inspiring to me. But she is also pushy, judgmental, and constantly frustrated with me. Around her, I can't be my loose, goofy, stupid self. I'm still me, just a different version, the way I am different with every single other person, I guess. But with Julie, I can be silly. We're closer in age, have the exact same problems socially and physically, and life doesn't have to be so damn serious all the time. She and I can clash too, but it's always okay.

Having her gone just emphasizes how lonely I am. She's my best friend.

The Heart

I don't know what is about October, but something always subtly changes in my life. Or, I suppose, not so subtly, i.e. the car crash of 1998,  moving/uprooting my childhood in 2001, etc. Not to dampen the magic here.

I want to write in detail about this as I haven't let myself write about any of it whatsoever for this whole past year, not here and not in my journal, which I never write in anymore anyways. But I know as soon as I set it on paper, it will lose its flavor and even its meaning, somehow. And all the soft, barely woken emotions will drift back into the void, as if they never existed. Almost.

To lose the dreaminess,, I have SO MUCH homework to do tonight!! And Julie is flying in tomorrow morning!! Both good reasons why I can't drift in this sweet, small comfort.

Been listening to Jimmy Gnecco's The Heart tonight while cleaning the house for Julie's arrival.  Not his best album, but I still love him. Alright, time to study.

Just My Usual

I've been sick as a dog since Friday night and I think I'm going to take tomorrow off from work, much as I hate doing that. I was kicked out of the house for all of Saturday when I all I wanted to do was sleeeeeep. My mom had a bunch of old high school friends in town and there was no place for them to sleep unless I was gone. Slept over at my sister's and Kelli drugged me twice while feeding me delicious soup and other healthy foods. I slept a ton and still felt miserable, but they were sweet to have me over and risk infection, especially since they had a guest of their own from out of town.

I found a gorgeous song that I wanted to share here (the true purpose of this post). It's so rare for me to find any music that moves me and takes me to a better place, so I get very excited when I discover one.

Well, I guess it has been three months since I last posted anything, so here's an update:

-Mom and I moved into a smaller house last month. Aunt Cyndi came up for a few days to help, which was amazing of her to do. My mom has SO MUCH STUFF.

-Work is torture. For many a reason. I may have seriously cried in one of the stalls one day. Or two.

-School starts in two weeks and I am utterly dreading this semester. I did so poorly in spring quarter and my mentality towards everything in this topic, and I guess in everything else in life, has diminished to nothing. I feel nothing, except an ineptnes, failure, self-disgust, until, in the next point, where...

-I found a TV series that is better than the books by a landslide! Outlander! Scots, sexxxxy accents, beautiful acting and scenery that takes me completely out of my crappy life and make me feel giddy and excited about what can never happen in my own. The books are fun, but soooooo dramatic without any relief. Personal tastes, whatever. The show is wonderful. And, you know, it's for women. It has gotten me through many a rough moment this past month. And I might be watching it over and over every day.






Honestly, what woman could resist that?!!!

Anways, moving on to a less pleasant reality:

-I weigh more than I ever have in my life.

-I don't have any friends up here. I'm lonely. All the time. Unless I'm not feeling anything. I've really, really degenerated socially and, well, self-esteem-ally. And spark-of-life-ally. I have none. But,

-I'm excited to get away with Nikki this weekend on our hiking/camping trip (she's flying up from San Diego). It's been so long and I can't wait to leave this all behind for just a little while and be with my sister. I'll probably end up crying on this trip too, but that's okay. At least I'll be feeling something.

-I hope your psyche is doing better than mine.

"Shall We Call This a Lesson Learned?"

Have had a busy week with Nikki in town, but man was it cool to see her complete her first full marathon up in Port Angeles! She looked just amazing, so youthful and happy, and I'm so proud of her for accomplishing something so big! She definitely inspires me!

But, as usual, once she left this morning, the inspiration disappeared and life felt heavy again, something to struggle through from day to day. So silly, right?! I need to start making changes, starting with the way I think! Chuck out the negativity! My reality may naturally be colored gray, but there are some behaviors I can address.

1. Lock down on the negative ways I think. Try to catch myself and say, hey loser (perfect example--self-derision), put a different spin on that thought you just had!

2. Get moving. Don't sleep so much, don't eat the typical carb&cholesterol diet, and try to go for a walk every day, at least.

3. Do more things I enjoy that involve the mind!! Not just movies. Paint while listening to new and good music! Write while listening to music. Maybe get into photography. Work in the yard! Plan! Create something, anything. Get a project. Learn a new skill, like cooking! Explore. So inspiring, right?? And there I go again...

4. Go shopping. For clothes. I hate doing it, but maybe I'll actually feel a little better about myself if I manage to find something that is cute, different, and fits me.

5. Listen to Ray more often and drift in that raspy, delicious voice of his.

...

My life is insane. 

I'm insane.

And wordless.

I wish I was ten years old again, back when things made more sense and promise was in the air I breathed. 

Came across this gem when I was looking for nothing important. Thank you Beethoven. 

All the Sand in the Sea

I have had a crappy few past weeks, with awkward/challenging training for a new position at work as a financial account representative, a new and DIFFICULT quarter in school, having my shift hours change to something this night owl still shudders over, oh, and the great awfulness of having potential drama simmering in the background of my rattled mind.

Today was the final straw. Came home from work defeated.

Then Devotchka entered the scene and shook me up into something better.

Enjoy.

Off to the K2 Ranch!

Winter Quarter is done!! And I have one week off before Spring Quarter starts! Which I will be spending at work and at Kjerstie's, learning how to shove medicine down a cat's throat and put in eyedrops (3 of 6 cats need them). I'll be practicing this every day this week since Kjerstie and Kelli will be going down to Texas for over a week in April and they needed someone to at least take care of the cats and chickens while they're gone. However, they felt it would be a lot for me to handle their two dogs as well, so poor Rocket and Max will be staying elsewhere.

I have to admit it will be a nice change to stay at their place, but I will miss my two sweet kittycats here. Thankfully, Mom has gotten used to them and is willing to look after them while I'm gone. I'll just be staying at the K2 ranch since my work is five minutes from their house and, you know, the annoyingly high bridge tolls...and it's SIX cats and three chickens and fish! Can't leave them alone with just a short drop-by everyday.

This past weekend was gorgeously open and guilt-free (from putting off homework, life stuff, etc). No plans, no deadlines, just blissful nothing but reading, cleaning, playing with the cats, watching shows, and hanging out with Kjerstie and Kelli on Sunday. (Um, by the way, I work Tuesday through Saturday, so I'm still technically on my weekend right now as I'm typing.)

Nothing much to report. That landslide up in Darrington is just terrible! My mom is planning to go to Turkey and Israel next month, that's assuming if it's still possible...and if it is, she'll be gone for over two weeks. The house still hasn't sold and now Mom's in between realtors. Did I mention that the divorce with her and Bill was finalized in January? And Mom's completely immersed herself in a million things and overbooking her schedule-- we never have any kind of conversation ever. She doesn't even hear me when I speak. Ghost in my own house. Geez, I need my own place--just one more year. I'm lucky to be where I am, I know, and I pay rent and help out with things around the house, and whenever I do move, I will miss the trees. In Tacoma and most urban areas, all the trees were cut down long ago. Sigh. But I can't stand being in a place that isn't mine, that I can't arrange things the way I would like it, that I can't come home and act crazy as I would normally would because Mom is there. I might be paying rent, but I'm still just a guest.

Snow

I chose to use my time reading over my insane three journals during my BYU years all of yesterday and tonight and at first I was proud of myself for actually facing it all again. I really haven't written anything in that last beautiful journal since I left. It hurt too much at first, and then as time passed, it started to not mean anything to me. It all died in my heart somehow and I have never looked at it for almost two years once I had written the last details down.

At first, I was proud of myself for doing this, facing the past, truly examining what happened, and knowing I've reached acceptance. But I think the thing that hurt the most was how little it all means to me now. I'm not at that stage of my life anymore. These echoes are worth very little in my present life, but how empty my present life is in comparison.

Yes, I was proud of myself, I even laughed a lot over the things I had forgotten. And then, I faced the fact that I have a big presentation to prepare for that is due tomorrow. I decided to waste my few precious hours reading over the old angst and wonder rather than work on it and now I have to stay up all night to do it; in a way, it makes me feel like I am back in those years, when I would hardly get any sleep, doing stupid stuff and procrastinating everything to the last minute.

Then I crashed into a wall after tripping over a cord I somehow managed to catch my foot on and bruised up my arm. I'm sleep deprived from reading the journals until 2am last night, and I felt woozy. I had to lie down on the floor for a bit; I was seeing strange green spots in my vision. One of my cats came over and bit my arm, gently of course, but god! And then, I felt the loss all over again and started crying. Because I'm tired and opened up a stupid door.

And now I'm here, instead of working on my presentation, while my two cats have a face off from different chairs under the dining room table. And all I can think about is the waste of it all. I feel I've aged ten years since that time in my life.

Why am I sharing any of this? What even started all of this?

A rare dream of snow.

And whenever I dream of snow, he's there.

Hodor

Fun events of the day:

1. Coming home from work to find Bill moved in. Awkwarrrrd conversations amongst the three of us, all on subjects that have already been beaten to death (people at their job, the behaviors of the two kitty cats) and the awful feeling of having to be silent after he goes to bed (EARLY) while Mom and I are night owls who like to be on our own, doing our own thing. I hate having to feel limited in my movements, having to tiptoe around because someone has major sleeping problems and thought it would a good idea to move back in with the two night creatures. I don't know if I can handle three weeks of this weirdness.

2. Mom fell partially down the stairs and hit her head hard on a corner of a door frame. Immediately talked about how she could have a brain bleed. Possible, maybe, but she's been watching videos about people's dreams in the LDS church that have shown the end of the world (her favorite subject besides everything else to do with church, or astronomical events). Mama does love the drama of it all, but won't admit it. Hope her head is okay though.

3. Learned that the trailer for the Game of Thrones Season 4 comes out on Sunday! EEEEEEEE! There's even a teaser for the trailer out on the web right now. Pathetic, but so fun!

4. I'm avoiding a stupid assignment that is due in an hour...

5. Dying of the Light by George R. R. Martin is so gorgeous and so irritating. His creativity knows no bounds. I'm in love.

6. Dan in Real Life is a dang cute movie. Even if his entire family is horrible and Juliette Binoche is over the top emotional. He is a sweetheart. Serious Steve Carrell roles are done seriously well by this talented man.

7. Tell me to go back to work.

A Look Back

Holidays are finally over and school is on again. My dad made it to his 61st birthday and appears to be doing better. It was discovered that the specific type of gene of his cancer is related to breast cancer (his grandmother died of breast cancer, so it makes sense). It's rare for this gene type to present itself as esophageal cancer, but there is some treatment available, obviously not a cure, but something to buy him more time. After a month of this treatment, my two sisters who spent Christmas with him said he was looking much better than he was at Thanksgiving.

My dad's birthday is also my birthday and I had a good time. In the morning, I helped my ex-step-dad move most of his furniture into a storage unit. He's moving back in to our house for a month, then heading down to Houston to live with his brother. It goes without saying that this is a bit odd and will be an uncomfortable experience, but he will be leaving his sweet cat here with me permanently (Sammy cat from my August entry). After helping him move, I splurged and bought a Nintendo 3DS and two games! Not the smartest thing to do with school starting up, but I will make it work. 

And now, I think I will list all the books I read in the year 2013. I know you're excited. And it may be a little redundant since most are from my reading list I made up for 2013, but...who cares?

Daughter of Smoke and Bone--Laini Taylor

Days of Blood and Starlight--Laini Taylor

Flame of Sevenwaters--Juliet Marillier

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner--Stephenie Meyer

**The Lovely Bones--Alice Sebold

**A Dance with Dragons--George R. R. Martin

Ethan Frome: A Nightmare of Need--Marlene Springer

Another Chance to Dream--Lynn Kurland

If I Had You--Lynn Kurland

City of Bones--Cassandra Clare

City of Ashes--Cassandra Clare

City of Glass--Cassandra Clare

*The Diving Bell and the Butterfly--Jean-Dominique Bauby

*The Snow Child--Eowyn Ivey

Fifty Shades of Grey--E.L. James

Fifty Shades Darker--E.L. James

**The Help--Kathryn Stockett

**The Girl with No Shadow--Joanne Harris

Peaches for Father Francis--Joanne Harris

The Casual Vacancy--J.K. Rowling 

Hit by a Farm--How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Barn--Catherine Friend

Prickle Moon-Juliet Marillier

The Stand--Stephen King

The Life of Charlotte Bronté--Elizabeth Gaskell

Raven Flight--Juliet Marillier 

Beautiful Creatures--Kami Garcia & Margaret Stahl

*The Harvester--Katy Glemser (my cousin! Very cool for her to publish her first novel!)

**Five Quarters of the Orange--Joanne Harris (my favorite of hers so far)

Eleanor & Park--Rainbow Rowell 

Blackberry Wine--Joanne Harris

Jigs and Reels--Joanne Harris

Morning in the Burned House--Margaret Atwood

The Year of the Flood--Margaret Atwood

*The Sense of an Ending--Julian Barnes

The Hours--Michael Cunningham

The Ocean at the End of the Lane--Neil Gaiman

*Never Let Me Go-Kazuo Ishiguro

*Life of Pi-Yann Martel

And the books I re-read this year, for fun, and also to decide if I will ever read these books again. If I know I won't (some of these I haven't read since I was a kid), I should let them go.

A Game of Thrones--George R. R. Martin (for fun)

A Clash of Kings--GRRM (for fun)

Anne of Green Gables--L.M. Montgomery (keeping)

Anne of Avonlea--LMM (letting go)

Anne of the Island--LMM (letting go)

Anne of Windy Poplars--LMM (letting go)

Anne's House of Dreams--LMM (letting go)

Anne of Ingleside--LMM (letting go)