I honestly don't know where to start, so I have been avoiding this blog and my journal this whole weekend. And I don't feel driven to write about any of this either, but it might clear my head a little.

The night before Friday, I stayed up until 1am, reading a book I didn't mean to get sucked into, but after three hours I looked at the clock for the first time and realized "oh, crap" and tried to sleep with that story racing through my mind. Didn't work out too well.

And then Friday at work was chaotic, for many reasons, and it was probably that much more difficult because I didn't have the mental capacity to think on three hours of sleep. And then, completely out of the blue, I get asked out via email by someone at work.

I had often wondered why he emailed me so much or would keep talking to me despite how awkward and boring I am, but I literally had no idea that he was interested in me. The whole idea of anyone being interested in me, especially the way I am now, is so laughable, impossible, and yet somehow this happened.

My past history with guys is simple: my friend's brother once took me out to lunch and I wasn't quite sure if  it was a date or not, but it must have been because he was sooooo nervous in a way I never seen before and I felt terrible because I wasn't interested in him at all. And while waiting for over an hour for a late friend at Culver's in Texas (during the six months I spent living with my dad), a guy hung around that whole time and eventually came over, asking for my number. And now this.

What do you say when you don't feel a spark and no interest, even after talking for some time, or have known them for over a year and they ask you out out of nowhere? I can't imagine the guts it takes to approach someone and make yourself vulnerable and be turned away. I don't take risks, I have trust issues, and I think there must be something wrong with me because I don't like most people. And even the people I do like in a general comradery sort of way, it doesn't have any lasting effect on me. It's the rare ones that are like gasoline to a flame, the ones that wake me up and terrify me with how much I feel in a single glance, that I would follow anywhere and, I think, completely lose myself in. Every choice is wrong. I need to feel something, but what I feel is always extreme and rare.

I turned this guy down in as nice a way as I could come up with while being completely in shock and running on the fumes left after not sleeping. Everything is so goddamn serious to me and I feel incredibly awkward going to back to work tomorrow, especially after he replied to my response by listing off things he liked about me and that it was okay. Am I horrible person if I don't want to risk hanging out with someone because I don't want to give the wrong idea? Did I do the right thing? Did I throw away a rare opportunity?

The one thing I can take away from this is the tantalizing fact that you can never truly know what people think of you.