I love the idea of another person, but who the hell am I kidding? My overly strong reactions to teeny tiny gestures of whatever are manic and crazy. They're so strong because I've always been alone, never having known how to be around other people. There are social expectations that I simply cannot manage to meet and it's so pathetic how basic and understandable those expectations are. It's like I'm living in another world in my head that makes more sense than the world around me, but try to explain how....and I realize that, actually, the hazy world I live is no shadowy, lovely secret anymore, and it's so empty, incomprehensible, even to myself, and it does. not. make. sense.
So I'm having insanely strong, emotional reactions to gestures so faint that I'm almost positive I'm making it all up in my head. And everyone who is required to interact with me must think I'm insane. And I feel so crazy that I go off and take walks down to the water in freezing rain and dim light, looking into the depths and feeling a slight sense of security in knowing that possibility is always there, not that I would ever take it...
I shouldn't feel so on guard around him, shouldn't feel so flustered and wary and embarrassed. I wish my mind wouldn't go blank every god damn time...and I turn away every god damn time, wordless, just silenced and immediately, instinctively distancing myself away from the merest hint of...what? Comradery? Because that is all it is, you idiot.
Here's a nice tune to drown my/your soul in. Or two. Matthew, you devil, I wish I could disappear into that voice of yours. Too bad you always fall back to cheesy lines/melodies for your climaxes when the beginnings promised sooooooooo much. Can we draw a parallel or two from that...?
Damn you.
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