Blue Rain Jacket

And the hits just keep on coming.

1. On Sunday night, I was at work, taking a break. I was rubbing the back of my neck, and I realized that I could...feel a lump. Deep in. I had to push down hard, but I felt it.

Then I vaguely remembered feeling something like that a month or two ago, but I had forgotten about it, thinking it was small and, I don't know, it felt connected to tendons or something. I forgot. But this time, I could really feel it. I think it even grew just a little.

I kept poking at it, feeling its outline all night, so the next day, it was almost tender. Didn't quite hurt, I don't know how to explain it. And it was closer to the surface. I can actually see it stick out a little when I bend my neck a certain way.

Mom said give it a month, see if it grows. It moves around in its place, which is supposedly a good sign, but I'm still worried. Was freaking about all of yesterday, actually, wondering if I had cancer, would I become even more of a burden on my family, was this really how my life would end (remember how overreaction is my middle name?). I don't want to wait a month; I need to know if its benign or something serious, and, either way, I want it out of my neck. I think I'm going to schedule an appointment for next week.

2.  Last night, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life. All of my greatest fears were happening, were my reality. It was a very symbolic dream too, easy for me to understand, even as I dreamed it. And I was terrified and devastated throughout the whole thing, and so caught up in the dream, that when the last awful sequence happened, the last straw my mind could take, and I woke up to a soft bed, soft lighting, and silence, I was in complete shock. Ever had that happen when you wake up? It feels so horribly abrupt. And finding it was all a dream was not much of a relief.

In the last moments of the dream, I had been screaming and crying at the same time, feeling like my soul was being torn into shreds. However, I wasn't doing either when I woke up (which I think is so disconcerting, in a way), but I rarely wake up already crying; in fact, I think it's only happened once. But, as soon as I realized where I was, I immediately started crying, REALLY crying, and cried for a good 45 minutes, just reliving the dream over and over and over and over. My top five greatest fears, all of them realized, nearly all at once. It was like torture. I'm not going to go into details since it involved some very personal stuff, but I'm going to leave myself a few clues without giving any of it away. Just in case I do decide to write it down in my journal.

Lisa Frank stickers, blue rain jacket, truck bed of flowers, moonlight in Julie's room.

Sounds so sweet and innocent, right? Trust me, I am leaving the scary stuff out. They're only triggers.

So, I will try to keep this blog updated on what's happening with my health and how my relationship with my step-dad continues to degenerate. Sleep tight.