Some Poor Excuse of a Post

Heading back to Washington sometime this next week--I was supposed to fly out this morning, but with flying stand-by (due to my dad's employment benefits=free airplane ticket), it's rather difficult to get out in the aftermath of the holidays. My next chance to fly out will be on Tuesday. But in truth, I've been packed and ready to go for the past two weeks. But am I ready? It's time, I know...

The past six months feel almost wasted to me. The whole year of 2012 turned out to be one gigantic wasteland, but only because I made it so. I've made more poor choices and I worry that I'm never going to figure out what I should do with my life. Because, right now, I don't know. Either what I want or what I should do. It's a tough spot. And it frightens me that I am still as closed off and undefined, even to myself, in my own mind. I live in another world, not this one. Or I did once.

I feel like a robot.

And it's been an hour since I started typing and it's really time to go to sleep.
...
I always feel compelled to post a song.

Funny what I associate this song with (and, no doubt, always will). Those feelings of desperation and pain, so constant, the absence of a person hitting me every moment for weeks and weeks until it transformed into a numb sort of acceptance, it's all turned to ash. It's funny. Almost.

This whole tangent is inappropriate, including the song. Stupid, that I still think about this particular time of my life every day, however briefly, however passively. That was when my life was on fire. A good fire, warming, comforting. And so unexpected, so intense. I can't feel it anymore. Even what I felt then, I don't really know if any of it was real. Time heals all things, they say. Time takes away, eliminates all things, more like.

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God, I know how dramatic, stupid, and, worst of all, how degenerative this all sounds! I may feel empty and unclear about life, but, truly, the self-loathing, the bitterness is really all gone from this ridiculous time period I can't stop talking about. It's all about attitude and I've just been struggling a little this past week. I need a change, I need to meet some new people, I need to get a new perspective on life because the one I've got is NOT working out. Life does go on! I know that. Of course what I felt back then was real! It wasn't a lie, some deception I dreamed up, but I need, I NEED to stop blogging about it, I NEED to stop dwelling on it. I'm making too much of it--that time in my life is GONE (though, in my defense, I haven't dwelt on it for months, but to block it, I created a void that has a tendency to almost eat me up with it).

I simply need to start a new time in my life and get outta this limbo I've been living in for the past year. 2011, 2012, you were the worst years of my life. 2013, you're going to kick their trash with awesomeness and transformative powers! Let's GO!