Floating

Today's just been one of those days where I screw up everything, everyone seems to be in a bad mood or getting in my space, and later I became furious (again) with one or two people, myself included. It's been fascinating to kind of watch from one side as the rest of me quickly degenerated effortlessly into an "I can't" being after I got home from work. It's not a thought, "I can't" it's a weird state of existence I can't describe, beyond the fact that it feels heavy. And life is heavy and meaningless, stupid.

And then I had a listening session with Sigur Rós and while I don't feel tons better, the music takes me out of myself. It's another kind of nothingness, but a good kind. Listen. Breathe. Life's a miracle. Even if it does seem pointless, it can be so beautiful.

Night Air and Mary Jane

Strange.

I haven't laid down in bed with the window open in a long time. I couldn't at Dad's, they were sealed shut upstairs. And up here in Washington, I just haven't thought about it. But I had to open the window last night; I hadn't slept well for the past three days. And it was such deliciousness to sleep with the window open, let the cool air in, hear the wind, and pretend there was no danger in leaving it open. And I slept so, so well.

But right now, in the late evening, my day winding down to its last minutes before turning out the light, I was listening to the sounds of the evening outside, the cars driving by on the busy road near this house and what I was reminded of surprised me.

I felt like I was back in Provo. Alone in my room, homework done, about to go to work...except that's wrong. That strange alone feeling I had while going to college, not a bad feeling, but a sort of separation and being away from family, making friends only on occasion. And yet everyday held the possibility of some great change, some great opportunity, small delights, a million things. I was alone but not alone. And the smells and sounds of night living in a town are so full and so empty, which is how I nearly always feel. A contradiction. It's both joy and sadness, excitement and stillness. Always present.

I wanted to write this down for some reason. There's no one to talk to here. Not that I've ever really been a talker. It reminds me of how Nikki and I lay down on the wood floor in her living room in San Diego and listened to a Sigur Ros album, never really talking at all, until Nikki said other people get high so they can do this. To let go and be somewhere else in their minds and everything's okay.

And it is. Everything is okay.

Anchored

Had a nice, slightly sad evening with Mom. We lay down on her bed for a while, looking out the open window, listening to the birds and the wind in the trees, not really talking (she had been crying in the kitchen earlier). Later, we went through some her books and movies and got together a good pile of stuff she doesn't want anymore. And she told me things, things I already knew but were good to hear. It made her seem even more human, more fragile, despite the strong front she puts up. She's going through a really difficult time right now. Echoes of what I've experienced came back to my mind, and as selfish as it is, it made me glad that I'm not going through the dark days anymore, the dark days she's experiencing now (and hasn't she had enough dark days, enough trials?) And, self-absorbed as always, it reminded me of how little my intense experience was based on, how quickly I fell to pieces, compared to the strong relationships others in my family have experienced, that had actual meat to them, that fell apart and warranted a strong reaction. But I don't feel ashamed. Just sort of empty.

I'm glad my sisters, my mom and I are all so close. They are my anchor.

No Agenda

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. But I always feel like there's no point in writing it out or talking about it because there is no solution, or, no easy solution. And these things have been such constants in my life that I'm tired of even thinking about them. As soon as they pop up, I shoo them away into a dark corner.

Here's a list of what's been going through this crazy mind of mine:

-My mom's pathetic marriage/lack of communication skills/lack of self-worth or willpower in her marraige/emotional distance/dependence on something that is not strength/tunnel vision

-Dad's cancer and inaction has caused the cancer to spread/my strained present relationship with him/the inevitable reflections of the past abuse and what it did to me and how I cope or ignore it now

-My lack of inspiration with life in general. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with anyone and not just because most of my family seems to fail at it. Living has lost its starry allure.

-Reading Half the Sky has opened my eyes even more to how lucky I am to be living in a relatively safe society...and it's confirmed to me how disgusting most men are after reading these gut-wrenching stories. I know there are plenty of good men out there and they have a lot to offer, but in developing countries, the majority of them sound like ruthless bastards with no respect for human life or value for the individual. It's all about having control, being physically stronger, and not letting anything lessen that image of dominance. It's the true biological definition of the male and further confirms to me that I will never be in a relationship. Even the good, non-violent guys are still outspoken, controlling, and always right. And it further confirms to me that there is no God. No god would have made men and women so physically unequal and so chemically different. Everyone should read this book, regardless of your beliefs, because these stories are true and everyone should be aware of the terrible hardships these women endure just by being women in these twisted cultures and poor economic states.

-This may make you laugh after reading what I just wrote above, but I've found that working in a predominately female work environment is kind of making me hate women too. Or maybe it's just American middle-to-upper-class women I can't stand. I hate how these women have to say every thought that passes through their minds, that every other sentence is a complaint or about a diet, or chocolate, or clothes, shoes, or jewelry, and it NEVER stops. And in all those voices that women put on--that is something I have NEVER understood--the voices are ugly and irritating!! All this, never-ending  for an 8 hour period. God, who gives a damn, right? It makes me miss the silent, competent men who can work through problems without making a fuss, who don't have to spill out their whole life story after knowing someone five minutes. Where's the self-possession, the logic, the perspective about what's important in life. I love details, just not details to anything related to any of those things listed above. I always end up with a headache after listening to their prattle (very womanly to have a headache, I know, hahaha).

-Am I focusing on the negative things of life? I have no idea of what you're talking about! Yes, yes, I do feel random scatterings of joy. They skip across my mind in unexpected waves and sweep me up and away into cold air and sunlight and I remember how good life can be. I've just lost focus on those good things while drifting in my ambition-less current (oxymoron?) and while I watch all my family members drift in their own personal whirlpools without ever trying to get out. And I watch them in wonder, thinking what crappy examples have been set before me my whole life in this effed up family of mine. But I can't place blame on them for my own choices...or lack of choosing. I have a strange tendency towards apathy, inaction, lack of responsibility, because, it's never been up to me, right? That's always been my mindset somehow, and it's screwed up and I need to get some effing counseling. Not that all my family is screwed up, but I look at some of my sisters and how well they've done in most aspects of their life, but when it comes to relationships, nearly all of us are...difficult, difficult to communicate with because we have screwed up reactions and super-sensitive self-defense alarms that are tripped at the drop of a pin...and we had crappy examples in our parents, the dominant, idiotic abuser and the contradictory abused woman with a genius-level of intelligence. Gawd.

-I can worship, pour over and absorb every beautiful thing in life, the arts, literature, music, the natural world,  memorize and experience again and again and never tire of it and yet I cannot, CANNOT give any of it back. It gets locked away in a blank mass in my brain that can't create even a remote echo of all I see and how beauty uplifts and soars through my spirit like a healing wind. That's where I came up with the metaphor of a black hole, taking in everything and giving back nothing. A pretty terrifying image of self-perception. I don't refer to it in my mind anymore, but I remember how that felt, back in the dark days. But what does that make these days now? Gray days, with splashes of bright blue like the glow of h...Yeah, something like that.

-I've been trying to type fast without thinking too hard or letting myself struggle over a word or two. I should do this more often. It gets a little of the frustration out so I can now go focus on studying for the midterm tomorrow and what else I need to get done . And maybe I'll watch a lecture on Egypt tonight--These Learning Company courses make me feel like I'm back studying Humanities again. It's a lot of fun. I miss it.

-P.S. Mom and Bill went to bed at 7pm tonight, in separate bedrooms of course, as has been the arrangement for over a year. Bleh. Let's get the ball rolling. Admit to being unhappy, get some marriage counseling, make an effing decision and do what we all already know is going to happen. A divorce. At least you two can say you tried...at the very end. Sell the house, downsize all the crap that's been accumulated and never looked at more than twice. I could probably go on and on about this, but since I live with this happening, I'm tired of thinking or talking about it with all the sisters, and..

-Mom thinks my obsession with music is ridiculous, after I teased her about checking out for solar flares every day and looking for disasters happening in the world, as there are always bound to be, that somehow confirm to her that the world is plummeting towards a hellish end...and then Christ will come, right??????????? Ugh. I think it's screwed up how she obsesses over this. But doesn't really prepare for an actual disaster that could happen here.

-I think I need to go cuddle the cat or smash something into the wall. Or go run while listening to some killer music. But it's dark outside now. Music is everything. In Tolkien's The Silmarillion, he says the gods created the world through music, harmonious, powerful music that brought life into being. That struck me so deeply and has stuck with me ever since, because music is something I can't describe or explain why it makes me feel the way I do, but it feels inherent, necessary, like a gasp of fresh air after drowning in the sordid depths of every day humanity.

-If you get me typing this fast without any plan or agenda, you get to see how my mind wanders quite a bit. And this is how it always is with me, skipping from the blank unhappiness of a gray, still sea to a whisper, a glimpse of transcendence. Thanks for the help, Pandora. Way to make my blood burn and sing.

Unsullied

God, I love this story.

The Enemy

I need to watch this different version of Wuthering Heights. I will watch any and all versions of my favorite books just because I love the story so much. And the atmosphere of this movie in particular looks amaaaazing. I love the silence of this trailer, except the wind, the raw elements of the Yorkshire moors. The blood in my veins sings of home.

And in looking at different videos up on Youtube, I discovered songs by Mumford and Sons that I really, really like. WHY haven't I sought them out before this?! I've heard good things about them, but I never actually tried listening to their music.

Same shots from this movie I've never seen before, but dang, the lyrics to these songs rock!! Supposedly, Mumford and Sons wrote this song "The Enemy" for this movie.

And my other favorite, newly discovered Mumford and Sons song, "I Gave You All."

Goodnight.

Daenerys and Kara

Most days, my mind drifts from one subject I love to another subject. Guilty--I'm a daydreamer! The subjects themselves may be totally unrelated, but they're connected in my absolute obsession/adoration for them. And when that happens when I'm bored, I look stuff up on youtube or the internet or whatever, I re-experience it, and have my opinion reconfirmed when everything in me screams "YES!" I get really, really hyped up on it. It's all I can think about, and I experience it again and again and can't get over the brilliance of these stories and/or music.

It started off when I was reading a Daenerys chapter in A Dance with Dragons tonight. I still have another two hundred and fifty pages to go with this book, but I'm loving it.

*SPOILER* 

Daenerys finally confronted one of her uncontrollable dragons with a whip and dominated the beast!! It was epic! Though who knows what's going to happen to her now, since Drogon just took off with her, leaving behind the giant mess she created when she tried to end the slave trade in the east. Meereen was a terrible mistake on her part, but I still love her. People like to hate her for sometimes acting like a teenager, but guess what, she is one! And she's done so much better than her brother. He was known around the world as the Beggar King; she is known as the Dragon Queen!
*END OF SPOILER*

So I looked up illustrations people have created of this saga, while going a little mad over the fierce genius of George R.R. Martin and his amazing plot/characters/world.

Daenerys and Drogon

Eddard Stark

Here's a clip or two from the HBO show. They took some liberties with the books, and sexed it up so much it's laughable (oh, hey, look, ANOTHER scene with a naked whore while the men discuss politics), but the quality overall is incredible. Random clips here, yes, and spoilers too if you know nothing of the books/show, but dang, it's good stuff! I love the Stark family.

Today, Mom's been putting loose photos in order from the 1980's and typing up notes to go along with them. She spent six hours on it. When she finished, it was my turn to actually put them in an album, which didn't take nearly as long. And while I was doing that, I listened to Battlestar Galactica Season 4's soundtrack, composed by Bear McCreary, another effing genius. Which got me all hyped up on the glory of the show, the characters, etc. So! Check out these songs. Probably won't sound like much for those who don't even know the story, but I'm absolutely in love with them.

Kara's Coordinates

Roslin and Adama Reunited

Kara Remembers

Goodbye Sam

And, from season 3, Deathbed and Maelstrom

Kara's character just kills me. I love her. All these songs belong to her, except the one for Roslin and Adama. They all give me chills. Thank you, Bear McCreary! And thank you Nikki, for getting me to watch this show! 

Bones

Guess I've gone a little post-crazy this week! But I found this delicious song (big surprise) and wanted to share it. Didn't put it on Facebook since I feel like I'm constantly assaulting my friends with my musical taste and I'm sure it gets annoying. Hahaha, I had to post it on fb. Can't help myself. 

So, here. Another treasure. His name is Ben Howard. 

I've added a few songs of his to my playlist too. I love music. It makes life a million times better.

By the way, I got a job today as a scheduler/pre-registrar for Conifer Health Solutions! And my sister turned 29! It's been one productive day and I actually feel tired at 9pm. Think I'm going to read a bit, then get some shut-eye. Good night.

Book List for 2013

I made this list a few weeks ago and have already made progress! No doubt I'll keep adding more as the year goes on, but I'm always excited to make a list and then proceed to devour everything on it. Hopefully, I'll discover one or two rare gems in this pile!

Current Interests/Promises to Others

• **A Dance with Dragons--George R. R. Martin**--I'm in love with this series. People complain about this book in particular, how "nothing happens", not seeming to realize that it's the calm before the storm. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT BOOK. 
• Flame of Sevenwaters--Juliet Marillier   Her recent books are just not as good as her original Sevenwaters trilogy, but this wasn't a flat out disappointment like Seer of Sevenwaters was. I enjoyed the perspective of Maeve and her return into the Sevenwaters story, the focus on her relationship with her dogs and living with a disability. And even though Juliet's recent stories don't quite tug at my soul as powerfully as they used to, I still love her and will read everything she writes. 
• Raven's Flight--Juliet Marillier (comes out July 9, 2013!)--There's a steadiness to Marillier's writing that really comforts me. This book may not have been the most exciting one she's written, but this one brought me some peace of mind.
• Prickle Moon--Juliet Marillier I enjoyed getting to learn more about Ciaran (one of the great enigmas of the Sevenwaters books) and most of these short stories were entertaining. I particularly like the semi-autobiographical one involving a woman fighting cancer. And Juliet's love for animals shows through in all her stories and I love her for it. 
• Daughter of Smoke and Bone--Laini Taylor --Definitely an original twist on the story/battle of angels and demons. Loved the themes of self-discovery, multiple lives, war, what defines good and evil. Always fun.
• Days of  Blood and Starlight--Laini Taylor --I didn't feel too strongly either way about this sequel. Which isn't a good sign. I got irritated with the protagonist about her decisions and, being the second book, it was another "calm before the storm" novel, lacking the intrigue of the first book, and leading to a predictable direction at the end of the book. I might read the third when it comes out. Maybe.
• *Ethan Frome: A Nightmare of Need--Marlene Springer  One of my favorite books of all time is Ethan Frome, so I had to read this analysis. There are a lot of good insights into the story and symbolism, ideas I hadn't picked up on until I read this boo. There were theories I did not agree with, but, overall, I enjoyed the taking apart of a book I know and love well. 
• The Stand--Stephen King--Definitely a creative book back when King originally wrote it in the 70's, but the theme of humanity being wiped out by a terrifying, intelligent disease has been done one too many times recently (plus my mom is such a fiend for these kind of overwhelming disasters...so I'm sick of it). The writing itself is great, I love the development of all the characters, but it's all dissatisfying because so many people die and the bad guy/demon just disappeared and turned up somewhere else to corrupt a different human society. It's a good book, but I still think The Shining and IT are much better. 
• Another Chance to Dream--Lynn Kurland My mom saved me about twenty books by this author. They're all clean romances set in medieval times. There are some funny moments in places, but it's a predictable chick lit guy-woos-girl thing that feels good to read, but it completely forgettable once it's over. 
• If I Had You--Lynn Kurland--Same as above. I don't think I'll be reading anymore of her books. It's not bad writing, just not particularly memorable. At least, for me. But I don't think she's a bad writer. 
• Fifty Shades of Grey--E.L. James --Hahahahahah, read the review below.
• Fifty Shades Darker--E.L. James --Read below.
• Fifty Shades Freed--E.L. James--These books are mediocre, fun in the beginning (you know--wink wink)...sorta, even though I was cringing at the complete lack of originality. Characterization is weak and ridiculous. Within ten pages, I just threw the third book down and said enough. I  don't give a crap about this story anymore. 
• The Casual Vacancy--J.K. Rowling--I admire writers who can write from so many different perspectives, who can write such different personalities with authenticity. It's incredible. I love the idea of studying how one event can affect a whole town, and how every individual affected, in turn, affects everyone around them through their reactions, motivations, etc. I love that. It's a slow-paced novel and not amazing enough for me to insist that everyone try it. I won't buy it or read it again, but it was good writing. 
• *The Lovely Bones--Alice Sebold--Great, great book. Original, poignant, beautiful. One I need to buy and re-read again and again.
• City of Bones--Cassandra Clare--Another YA book. Starting to get sick of them. An original story, yes, and filled with teenage angst. And, sure, learning the guy and girl falling for each other discover they're brother and sister makes things nice and tense and interesting. And, strangely, it's a little hot. Is Game of Thrones rubbing off of me or what?
• City of Ashes--Cassandra Clare--Same as above. Still tense about being brother and sister. Simon's a vampire. Oh noes. Angsty stuff. 
• City of Glass--Cassandra Clare--Evil father tries to take down the Shadow Hunter city. Oh noes. Jace and Clary aren't brother and sister after all. Yay...
• City of Fallen Angels--Cassandra Clare--I just don't care enough to continue with this series. Too immature and predictable without any sharp bite to it. Just melodrama. 
• *The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner--Stephenie Meyer  Umm...unlike most people I guess, I love, love, love Stephenie Meyer and her writing. i loved this little back story she wrote for Bree. It's short and doesn't end well, as we (Twilight fans) know going into it, but it still was an interesting read. Got to learn more of how Victoria was manipulating Riley and how most newborn vampires experience their new life (since Bella was such a weird exception to the vampire rule, yes, MEYER's vampire rule). I love the Twilight books, I love The Host, and I wish Stephenie would write something new. I wonder if she ever will. Yes, I will buy this book.
• The Life of Charlotte Bronte--Elizabeth Gaskell The fact that this book was written by a friend of Charlotte Bronte and contemporary female author, by an individual who could request letters Bronte had written to still-living friends and other authors, and who could personally give her own impressions of Charlotte makes for an incredibly unique biography. Gaskell only knew Bronte in the last five years of Bronte's life but she managed to give a well-rounded impression of what that life entailed. Due to the period, there are some severe limitations, but this was such a fascinating read for me. 
• *The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: A Memoir of Life in Death--Jean-Dominique Bauby This man didn't type this book. He blinked one eye to communicate which letters to use as helpers took down the sentences he created. Bauby suffered from Locked-In Syndrome, a condition NO ONE should have to suffer through. It's only possible because of our technology. Bauby had a major stroke in his forties and could not move or breathe on his own. He could only move one eyelid. And he wrote this poignant memoir while in this condition. It's a unique story told with humor and intelligence. i think everyone should read this. 
• Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide--Nicholas D. Kristof--I don't feel I can say this about any book, even myy favorite books, but I'm saying it now. Everyone, every human beings, needs to read this book. This book looks realities in the face, harsh realities that are never mentioned in the news or cross our minds at all here in America, and asks for intervention and justice for these women who are denied basic human rights. I don't care if you have a weak stomach or are too delicate or too self-absorbed to face these horrible truths, you NEED to read this books. These two authors are amazing--this book desperately needed to be written.
• Hit by a Farm: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Barn--Catherine Friend--This book was just as much about self-discovery as about learning how to farm and raise livestock. Light, funny, and definitely enlightening about the dilemmas non-farmers will face when they try to start learning from scratch. I won't buy it or read it again, but I am curious about the sequel. 
• The Snow Child--Eowyn Ivey--This book was gooood. I loved the setting, the estranged older couple living isolated lives in the wilderness of Alaska. And the strangeness of the girl that they did and didn't create out of snow. It's ambiguous and things do not end well, of course, for anyone who knows the fairy tale of the snow girl, but I love the quiet turn of the seasons, the hard work, the silent emotions...nothing gets my heart beating faster than underlying tones and the things not said but are impossible to miss, energizing the air with the restraint. AAAAAH. And I'm not just talking about romances; that is not what this book is. It's innocence, the brutality of nature, and how the girl eventually is forced to feel that when she has her child. I need to read it again to perhaps get a better understanding. 
• The Winter Witch--Paula Brackston--couldn't finish this one. Terrible writing. 
• The Help--Kathryn Stockett--I saw the movie and within a week checked this book out from the library. Incredible story, incredible writing, and I found the poignant afterword so fitting and I was glad to learn of the author's personal inspiration for writing this story. A book everyone should read. The perfect mix of humor and sobriety. Definitely need to buy this book. 
• The Girl with No Shadow--Joanne Harris--A fun return to the world of Chocolat, although this trilogy is quite different from the movie. I love the atmosphere of this book, the mystery of Zozie, and, of course, the descriptions of food and how it can make life so much better. Don't want to give anything away, but I really, really enjoyed this book, perhaps even more than the first one. 
• Peaches for Father Francis--Joanne Harris--The final book of the Chocolat trilogy and I really enjoyed it, but not as much as the previous two books. Once again, I love Harris's descriptions of food and how Vianne understands how to mix in with different cultures without being patronizing or insensitive. I love Vianne's connection with people that are considered "other" and how she manages to build bridges between different types of people, creating less tension and more happiness. Warm peaches in summer evenings...hmm...and, of course, returning to Lansquenet and seeing old friends again. I love Harris's writing. 
• Blackberry Wine--Joanne Harris
• Five Quarters of the Orange--Joanne Harris
• White Fang-Jack London
• Drowning Ruth--Christina Schwarz
• Les Misérables--Victor Hugo
• Anna Karenina--Leo Tolstoy

You may have noticed that there are A LOT of YA books on this thing. Guess I'm having some kind of phase right now. YA books can be fun! I still have shelves of books right here in my room that I discovered when I was kid, books that I still love and turn to periodically. I'm trying something different, taking a break from the classics, and really, REALLY getting my escapist routine down. 

Got a recommendation? Leave it for me in a comment. Hahahahhaha. 

P.S. Finally got called for an interview. It's on Thursday morning! Wish me luck! I'm way out of my depth with this potential job. 

Half Light; Dr. Zhivago

So, last night, I watched a movie that looked kind of dumb, but since I liked Demi Moore in The Scarlet Letter, I figured I would give it a try (I was bored). And I've never been more conflicted about a movie. There were so many promising things about this film, and so MANY flaws. In Half Light, you get Scotland, the gorgeous theme of  isolation, an intriguing ghost story (NOT the one involving her kid...though her dreams of him felt realistic and freaky), some really beautiful shots, all good things. With the appearance of Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond from the tv show Lost)...and the re-discovery of Hans Matheson. What is it about dark haired men with blue eyes? 

But there were too many laughable things about this movie too. Some of the lines were really strange. The main character felt so real sometimes, but most of the time was so stiff and awkward, like unto Padme and Anakin in Attack of the Clones. Her reactions and decisions didn't feel legitimate for a successful writer (her character's profession), for someone who has a brain. God, such terrible lines! 

But you gotta admit, Demi Moore has an amazing look. I need to look up more of her films. 

Anyway, here's one track I loved from the film. Ugh, the soundtrack was another terrible thing about this movie. It made it all sound like some cheesy Lifetime film. But not this track, thank God. The only redeemable song in it. 

I have seen Hans Matheson in an older version of Les Miserablés playing Marius, and in the recent Tess of the D'Urbervilles, playing the manipulative Alec. He's good at what he does. And even though I didn't understand the character he plays in Half Light very well (at least, by the end--he goes back to get the mother-of-pearl? What? Why?), I was really interested in seeing anything else he's done. So, tonight, I watched Doctor Zhivago on Netflix. 

I once saw an older version of Doctor Zhivago back when I was ten and eleven, and didn't care much for it. But this 2002 adaption was interesting. It, too, had laughable moments (all the slow-mo started to irritate me after a while), and the motives of the characters were confusing at times, or else infuriating, leaving so many unanswered questions. But daaaaang, Hans is lovely. It also stars Keira Knightley, before the making of Pirates of the Caribbean (she was only sixteen!). And she did really well as Lara! Such gravity! I have a love/hate relationship with her acting, but she was wonderful in this. 

It's long, obviously, and probably too slow for our wonderful ADD-addled generation, but I enjoyed it. Set in Russia, during the civil unrest and taking us through the revolutions of the early 20th century, and how it affected these interconnected characters. 

And here's a fan-made video, since there aren't any trailers for this adaption. And yes, that is the music from the series. Love it! 

And a fan-made trailer, just so you can hear their voices a bit. 

Yes. I'm a movie fiend. I'll try anything. 

Good-night