Trying to come up with a Christmas/birthday list is really, really difficult! I've spent the last two hours on it and have a fairly decent one now, but man, it didn't use to be like this. I guess that's what happens when you have money--you buy the things you want. Most of what I'm asking for this year will be for when I move out, kitchen and bathroom things, etc.

Last night was fun! I went over to Kjerstie/Kelli's after work and hung out. Watched a ton of "Honest Trailers," played some games, Kelli made an amazing potato and leek soup, and then I got to witness them have an actual fight! Aaaaaah. I've seen them disagree, but never where they lost their tempers! So awkward being the random, third-wheel witness.

I don't want to think about tomorrow. Gotta get up at 7am and dive into the madness. This next week of finals/projects will be one giant migraine, but once it's over, I'm free until January!

Since I last wrote:

-Spoke with my dad on Thanksgiving. He told us that it might be time for him to throw in the towel with work.  For him, we've always known that as long as Dad was working, he was doing okay, but that eventually, when nearing the end, he would have to quit. He hasn't quit yet, but hearing him openly approach the subject was surprising--he's been acting like his tough attitude could beat down what the medical results are saying, so admitting that he might be burned out is a definite sign that he actually is. He can never be weak in front of anyone.

-Saw Interstellar with Kjerstie/Kelli yesterday. I've been looking forward to this movie for almost a year, which kind of explains my intense disappointment. I looooved the beginning of the movie, including when they went into space. Once they brought in the random motivation of Amelia's character to see her never-before-mentioned, old love marooned on one the planets they were trying to get to....it all just tanked. Then...enter Matt Damon's character and the stupid, STUPID fight and the helmet cracking and the grandiose script and shit, it all pissed me off. In addition to all that crazy, the tributes to 2001: Space Odyssey that were made in the movie were almost too much, like stealing. And the fact that the women were always these emotional and therefore irrational beings that were given the answers by men, just, UGH.........

I still love space movies. And I will buy this one. Visually, it was so beautiful and it's amazing how they used actual physics to depict what a wormhole or black hole would look like, as well as for the story, you know, except for the presence and effects of radiation. Did they forget about that? HAH. Whatever.

12/2/14: Okay, so I know my review sounds harsh. I was still reeling from all the improbabilities and the lack of human connection, and my ultra-sensitivity to sexist stuff etc, etc, but honestly, I do really like the movie. Things are never what you expect them to be, right?

Found two glorious Youtube fan videos of Game of Thrones. But I won't post them. Instead, I'll just post the songs used, which make up half their beauty.

12/2/14--P.S. Isn't it totally ironic that the song I found for a GoT video is called Saturn and Interstellar's wormhole was right by Saturn. Man, I loved those shots in that movie of the ship flying near that planet. And it's my ruling planet--Capricorn. :)

I can't get this song out of my head. And I don't want to.

I've so much I want to write about, if only to get my perspective and emotions figured out, but I'm a little hesitant to do that. It wouldn't serve much of a purpose anyway. I know I would still be in limbo. And why bother holding onto things that have already lost their significance?

I don't think I was totally making things up, but I do know that I've been an idiot.

Today was a good day, with this song keeping me company. I hope tomorrow flies by just as quickly.

For you, whoever you are.

I promise, I'm not going to talk about my moods in this entry.

But I hate how I live. I am bound by these awful constraints that maybe my dad started, but I, and only I, have perpetuated, turning these behaviors and thought processes into something that feels uncontrollable now.

I cannot let myself do what I want to do. I put on such a show of indifference. As if the things that are important to me don't matter, as if I have no interest in the things that tug at my soul.  I come off as distant, rude, uncaring, simple-minded, flat-out weird. And when I'm in the midst of my depression, I simply don't care; I have no interests then. But when I'm not in the mindset...I feel so ashamed. Of who I am and how I come across to others. 

I've been re-reading Evening by Susan Minot and came across this quote that struck home. 

"She could not let what passed between them matter too much afterwards so that when the memory tried to assert itself it had been pushed down by reason and habit and time, eventually becoming no more than a scruffy hidden scar on a scruffy hillside. She had worked to rub it out. That this had been forgotten once and would be forgotten again suddenly seemed worse to her than her own life ending." 

I do exactly this with anything good that happens to me. I worry that I make too much of small things, small gestures, and I don't want to get emotional over things so seemingly insignificant, to be so damned affected, but I always, always am and it's something I can't stop. Except by pushing it down with reason, out of habit, and knowing that with the passing of time, it will be as if it never happened. And isn't that utterly twisted? That I live at such extremes? To be so moved by something so small and feel ashamed of that emotion? And that my next course of action is to snuff it out as quickly as possible. But it's what I do. 

And it is worse than anything. I'm going to try to work on that. 

Just as I've been slowly, quietly, trying to work on other things about myself. I've made a promise to go shopping for clothes/personal items for one hour a week. Last week, I bought new mascara, underwear, a few new tanks, a random but beautiful green scarf, and clear nail polish, since I'm trying to stop biting my nails again and this is only method that has semi-worked in the past. 

That may seem like nothing, but I haven't bought anything personal like this for myself in almost two years.

I want to try to change. 

As a side note, my dad went to the hospital because he was having severe abdominal pain. He had an ultrasound done and it looks like the pain is being caused by a gigantic tumor in his liver, which has grown quite a bit since he last had a scan done (his cancer spread to his liver back in Aug 2013). Since my younger sister was there, he couldn't lie about the results (like he normally does)--it's 9cm long. 

It's amazing that he has lived this long--2 1/2 years with esophageal cancer. But now he's needing pain management...and if that thing ruptures or tears, he could bleed out internally. 

This post was for me, for my sanity. An attempt to get a new perspective, sort of. But now, homework calls. Again. 

I've been such a wreck today. Swayed and held under by my moods of despair, self-disgust, etc . I randomly felt so miserable that I started crying at three separate times while at my desk at work! Aaaaah! Writing random words over and over like "fraud" or "frozen."

I think I might be going crazy. And not just from lack of sleep.

I admit, I have been writing a lot on this blog lately because I was manic over things that had the potential for joy and it's absolutely amazing how even the sheer possibility of something good can make me sooooo happy. And a lunatic.

And, of course, when that pathetic shadow of a hope is taken away, the real crazy settles in. Then I'm forced to truly take a hard look at myself and try not to be buried under the difficult facts. And today was just one of those days when I let myself be overwhelmed, I guess. But I literally felt like I had no defenses. None.

I learned this evening that my dad is going to the hospital. Still waiting to hear from my younger sister on what exactly is going on, but we all know. Even if it isn't today or tomorrow, that pathetic, infuriating piece of work is dying and it will be within this next year. And my life won't be any different with him gone. I won't miss him. I won't even cry when he's dead, unless it's for the waste of his life and the reality that I will never, ever have a father who gives a damn.

You wanna know something stupid? I debated over and over whether or not I would actually "publish" this post, just in case someone actually saw this.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Have a song.

One day this last week, I was over-the-moon happy. For no reason, whatsoever. None of the usual things that spiral me downwards could touch me that day. But there was nothing lifting me up either. I literally have no idea why. More sleep that day, maybe?

Manic depression runs in the family on my mom's side, I know. And I think I got a portion of that depression/moodiness going on. Because the next day, the dumb little things affected me again, dragged me down into that stupid pit of "nothing matters, I'm worth nothing, etc." And when I barely touched the surface on the topic of my father with a co-worker, I was so angry that I couldn't stop shaking for a good hour. When I'm alone, it doesn't affect me in the same way, but as soon as I vocalize it to a semi-normal human being, I'm infuriated that it all happened and that I cannot express it right. I don't want pity, I don't want to dramatize what my childhood/teenage years were like, I just want someone to understand that I am the way I am in part of because of the freak I was raised by. But I can't get it right. And I get really, really upset by all of it, the sharing and the remembering.

After writing all this, I went skimming through the internet for 30 minutes. I'm not sure I really had a point to this post....or why I felt compelled to write one at all. Today was kind of a lousy day. Talked to my cats (yes, you read that right), watched Girl with a Dragon Tattoo and then, for the hell of it, started watching Orange is the New Black (really like it so far). Nearly watched the whole first season. Yikes.

Tomorrow is my official homework/laundry/stress-out day.

And then...back to work.

I'm so tired of my isolation, but it's all I've had the past three years. The thought that I'm turning 26 next month is just laughable.

I've spent another 15 minutes just trying to find a song that I am feeling right now, but no luck. And I'm tired. Whatever. G'night.

Silly, Stupid Daughter

I'm so fucking disturbed by what my mom just said to me, so instead of finishing my homework, I'm here. Seething.

Lately, I've been severely sleep deprived. All my free time is given to school work, with one solitary hour I let myself have to work on something else...or drift...but it's turned me into an insomniac. I can't shut my brain off anymore.

So...when I'm sleep deprived, I tend to go into even more extreme moods. Extremely sleepy, extremely giggly, extremely snappy, extremely numb.

Mom comes in and talks about how she hurt herself on accident, AGAIN (hit her head on something), and I start laughing too hard over it. It didn't warrant the giggling, but everything is so much funnier when everything's hazy and too many things haven't been working out already this day. I can use words properly into sentences?

I apologized and said I get stupid when I never sleep and I don't think I'll ever sleep fully ever again. And Mom, my silent matyr, talks about how she never gets more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep (so she wins, since I get five whole hours). I ask how she can be so calm and collected all the time and not outright crazy on that amount.

Well, pooh pooh my selfish, utterly lacking in self-control child (yeah, she said that, practically). I had to learn the hard way by having you kids and being married to your dad. And I think that's why I was married to him. That must've been the reason why God had me marry him. I was supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut. I probably had a problem with that in the previous, pre-mortal life.

Yeah....THAT'S why God predestined you to marry a sick son-of-a-bitch, to learn through 30+ years of abuse to keep your trap shut... and you are totally unaccountable in that great life decision, of course.

Oh, by the way, Mom, every goddamn person in this world has that problem--no one knows how to shut up. But you're a special case, a special kind of nuts.

Thanks for the dig. You're right. I have no self-control. NONE.

Enter maniacal laughter, again.

I'm going to go throw up now. It's this kind of shit I cannot stand. So self-deprecating, so limiting, so disgusting.

"And I'm falling down like it's holy ground"

My moods are so inexplicable to me.

I love the idea of another person, but who the hell am I kidding? My overly strong reactions to teeny tiny gestures of whatever are manic and crazy. They're so strong because I've always been alone, never having known how to be around other people. There are social expectations that I simply cannot manage to meet and it's so pathetic how basic and understandable those expectations are. It's like I'm living in another world in my head that makes more sense than the world around me, but try to explain how....and I realize that, actually, the hazy world I live is no shadowy, lovely secret anymore, and it's so empty, incomprehensible, even to myself, and it does. not. make. sense.

So I'm having insanely strong, emotional reactions to gestures so faint that I'm almost positive I'm making it all up in my head. And everyone who is required to interact with me must think I'm insane. And I feel so crazy that I go off and take walks down to the water in freezing rain and dim light, looking into the depths and feeling a slight sense of security in knowing that possibility is always there, not that I would ever take it...

I shouldn't feel so on guard around him, shouldn't feel so flustered and wary and embarrassed. I wish my mind wouldn't go blank every god damn time...and I turn away every god damn time, wordless, just silenced and immediately, instinctively distancing myself away from the merest hint of...what? Comradery? Because that is all it is, you idiot.

Here's a nice tune to drown my/your soul in. Or two. Matthew, you devil, I wish I could disappear into that voice of yours. Too bad you always fall back to cheesy lines/melodies for your climaxes when the beginnings promised sooooooooo much. Can we draw a parallel or two from that...?

Damn you.

"A joke in the way that we rust and breathe again"

This last week was rough. So disheartening, disappointing, and, inevitably, stressful due to the homework load. This week won't be much better...

Don't feel like going into the reasons.

I found some new music this last week, which I've added to the top of the playlist. Love the whimsical sound of these songs...and the brooding tracks, of course. You know me, the darker, the better.

Watched a lot of Walking Dead yesterday. I love Season 4! It has such great character development and Andrew Lincoln breaks my heart. Loved him since Love Actually and Wuthering Heights. I think it's so funny how I saw both him and David Morrisey (the Governor) in British productions before they both ended up playing Southerners in this show.

Alright...don't have much to add, so it's back to the homework. Or, if I'm being honest, another episode of Walking Dead. I love Daryl, Rick, and Michonne.