Did I Just Admit This?

There's a guy. At work. That I really, really don't want to notice in that way. And it doesn't seem right because it feels so different from the last time, in other words, less intense mentally/emotionally/soulfully. He's quick to laugh (and it's such a kind laugh), intelligent, he went really out of his way to help me twice when I didn't ask for any help (and how did he even notice over the voices of everyone else on the phones?), he draws, he used to be a drummer, he's tall, lean, pale, but with the darkest brown eyes I've ever seen. Thankfully, I've never had to stand close enough to see how quickly I'm drawn in by them. I play my indifference card, as usual, and especially now, not just out of the usual fears but because I don't want to feel any hint of this ever again. I still feel like an important piece of me died after the last time, something I can never get back (faith, hope, wonder). It certainly helps to know he has a girlfriend (an excellent weapon to use against the birth of speculations) and, due to recent changes at work, he now sits in an area out of my sight. Thank God. 

I'm at such a loss with myself. I've never been comfortable around guys, especially when I'm attracted to them, and since I've left the religion I was raised in, it's assumed that I'm like everyone else in terms of drinking and casual sex, neither of which am I interested in. Hahaha, truth is, I've never even held hands with another guy before, no first hug, no first kiss; I've merely basked in the presence of the individuals I've admired while staring off somewhere else, pretending to read, etc. From this, you can infer that I've never even known how to talk to a guy, especially one I like (and therefore, I've never dated either). My brain turns to mush and every second feels so utterly profound. For me, the entire world becomes tinged with the knowledge of their existence. And I'm feeling so vulnerable and overly sensitive to everything that I lash out in psychotic defense over every tiny thing that could somehow demean what I'm feeling. Did I mention that I don't understand myself? Now throw into the mix the fact that rationally, I'm a bit repulsed by men, even as I am attracted to them.

And I meant to blog about my dying father (his cancer has spread to his liver--he found out two months ago and only told one of my sisters last week), my usual apathy, and my new, slightly disturbed kitty cat.

P.S. Starting to make a new playlist. Check it out if you like. ------>

P.P.S. If you actually did read this (Char, Julie), just know I really don't want to talk about this new guy the next time we talk on the phone. Thanks.