1. Tomorrow is the six month marker since Dad died. No matter how many times I think it, write it, or say it aloud, it still seems impossible to me that he is dead. What makes it so easy to forget is how normal it is to never hear from him. We would go months and months at a time without one phone call. Whenever Julie calls me and says she's at Dad's house to water the lawn, I instantly picture him there, doing his goofy walk in his blue and white sweatshirt, watching football or something. Sheesh, just writing that got me crying. I still haven't managed to write the whole experience down yet. That's going to be a really rough one for me. I guess I just prefer to just keep picturing him that way, keep that lid closed. His house is going to be officially sold this Friday, September 11th. Which is sort of ironic. We moved into that house on October 1, 2001, less than a month after 9/11. Anyways, it's the last major thing to take care of that really hits home that Dad is truly dead.
I don't know what I should to do to commemorate this time passing by, if anything. I tried to find a good picture of him yesterday, one that maybe I could frame or something, but he really did scowl in most pictures. Might just use the birthday one I posted back in May.
2. I'm taking the RHIT exam this Saturday, September 12th. Funny how major things always seem to happen around the same time, right? Am I ready for this test? Not in the slightest. To be honest, I find it even hard to care, as if the whole last two years at school were a waste of time and money, as I feel that I've hardly retained any of the material I "studied," or killed myself just trying to skim through it all while working full time and being swamped in depression, self-hate, Dad was dying, etc. But, I can always take it again. And money is not an issue in my life anymore, enter here a bitter "hahahaha." Yep, each of my sisters and I got a pretty sum from Dad's life insurance...and we will be getting more when the house sells. It all seems like such a joke. And it's a terrible thing to happen. Hey, your parent died? Here's tons of money to recompense you for that loss and yet can never fill that void left behind...
Not that it's a bad thing. But it was just another horrible reality that stabbed--Dad's really dead. I almost started crying at the bank counter when I went to deposit that monstrous check and I couldn't hold it back once I got into the parking lot. I cried in my car for a good while and on the way home.
3. How did I end up back on Dad? I didn't start writing this entry with the intention of talking about him the whole time. Sorry.
4. Work, the other aspect of my life...it seems that I really can't write about that one either. Things constantly change, the workload manages to get worse somehow, I take on too much, put up with too much, and there's nothing to look forward to and plenty to dread. More stuff that I've locked away this year.
5. I meant to write more, but I'm suddenly really distracted. Sometimes, I think I have ADD...
Have a song! Of course! :)
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