"A joke in the way that we rust and breathe again"

This last week was rough. So disheartening, disappointing, and, inevitably, stressful due to the homework load. This week won't be much better...

Don't feel like going into the reasons.

I found some new music this last week, which I've added to the top of the playlist. Love the whimsical sound of these songs...and the brooding tracks, of course. You know me, the darker, the better.

Watched a lot of Walking Dead yesterday. I love Season 4! It has such great character development and Andrew Lincoln breaks my heart. Loved him since Love Actually and Wuthering Heights. I think it's so funny how I saw both him and David Morrisey (the Governor) in British productions before they both ended up playing Southerners in this show.

Alright...don't have much to add, so it's back to the homework. Or, if I'm being honest, another episode of Walking Dead. I love Daryl, Rick, and Michonne.

This is always the worst part. Coming back to the house after my sister is gone and trying to go back to my old routine. Both the house and my attempts to fall back are so empty. I can't concentrate on anything and I cannot muster an interest in doing anything, although I automatically cleaned the house, as if setting things to rights could eradicate the painful lump in my throat or fill the silence.

And with Julie, it's just so different. When Nikki left a few weeks ago, I was all ready to see her off. We had a fun weekend at Mt. Baker, but I can only take Nikki for so long. I love her and she is so inspiring to me. But she is also pushy, judgmental, and constantly frustrated with me. Around her, I can't be my loose, goofy, stupid self. I'm still me, just a different version, the way I am different with every single other person, I guess. But with Julie, I can be silly. We're closer in age, have the exact same problems socially and physically, and life doesn't have to be so damn serious all the time. She and I can clash too, but it's always okay.

Having her gone just emphasizes how lonely I am. She's my best friend.

The Heart

I don't know what is about October, but something always subtly changes in my life. Or, I suppose, not so subtly, i.e. the car crash of 1998,  moving/uprooting my childhood in 2001, etc. Not to dampen the magic here.

I want to write in detail about this as I haven't let myself write about any of it whatsoever for this whole past year, not here and not in my journal, which I never write in anymore anyways. But I know as soon as I set it on paper, it will lose its flavor and even its meaning, somehow. And all the soft, barely woken emotions will drift back into the void, as if they never existed. Almost.

To lose the dreaminess,, I have SO MUCH homework to do tonight!! And Julie is flying in tomorrow morning!! Both good reasons why I can't drift in this sweet, small comfort.

Been listening to Jimmy Gnecco's The Heart tonight while cleaning the house for Julie's arrival.  Not his best album, but I still love him. Alright, time to study.

Just My Usual

I've been sick as a dog since Friday night and I think I'm going to take tomorrow off from work, much as I hate doing that. I was kicked out of the house for all of Saturday when I all I wanted to do was sleeeeeep. My mom had a bunch of old high school friends in town and there was no place for them to sleep unless I was gone. Slept over at my sister's and Kelli drugged me twice while feeding me delicious soup and other healthy foods. I slept a ton and still felt miserable, but they were sweet to have me over and risk infection, especially since they had a guest of their own from out of town.

I found a gorgeous song that I wanted to share here (the true purpose of this post). It's so rare for me to find any music that moves me and takes me to a better place, so I get very excited when I discover one.

Well, I guess it has been three months since I last posted anything, so here's an update:

-Mom and I moved into a smaller house last month. Aunt Cyndi came up for a few days to help, which was amazing of her to do. My mom has SO MUCH STUFF.

-Work is torture. For many a reason. I may have seriously cried in one of the stalls one day. Or two.

-School starts in two weeks and I am utterly dreading this semester. I did so poorly in spring quarter and my mentality towards everything in this topic, and I guess in everything else in life, has diminished to nothing. I feel nothing, except an ineptnes, failure, self-disgust, until, in the next point, where...

-I found a TV series that is better than the books by a landslide! Outlander! Scots, sexxxxy accents, beautiful acting and scenery that takes me completely out of my crappy life and make me feel giddy and excited about what can never happen in my own. The books are fun, but soooooo dramatic without any relief. Personal tastes, whatever. The show is wonderful. And, you know, it's for women. It has gotten me through many a rough moment this past month. And I might be watching it over and over every day.






Honestly, what woman could resist that?!!!

Anways, moving on to a less pleasant reality:

-I weigh more than I ever have in my life.

-I don't have any friends up here. I'm lonely. All the time. Unless I'm not feeling anything. I've really, really degenerated socially and, well, self-esteem-ally. And spark-of-life-ally. I have none. But,

-I'm excited to get away with Nikki this weekend on our hiking/camping trip (she's flying up from San Diego). It's been so long and I can't wait to leave this all behind for just a little while and be with my sister. I'll probably end up crying on this trip too, but that's okay. At least I'll be feeling something.

-I hope your psyche is doing better than mine.

"Shall We Call This a Lesson Learned?"

Have had a busy week with Nikki in town, but man was it cool to see her complete her first full marathon up in Port Angeles! She looked just amazing, so youthful and happy, and I'm so proud of her for accomplishing something so big! She definitely inspires me!

But, as usual, once she left this morning, the inspiration disappeared and life felt heavy again, something to struggle through from day to day. So silly, right?! I need to start making changes, starting with the way I think! Chuck out the negativity! My reality may naturally be colored gray, but there are some behaviors I can address.

1. Lock down on the negative ways I think. Try to catch myself and say, hey loser (perfect example--self-derision), put a different spin on that thought you just had!

2. Get moving. Don't sleep so much, don't eat the typical carb&cholesterol diet, and try to go for a walk every day, at least.

3. Do more things I enjoy that involve the mind!! Not just movies. Paint while listening to new and good music! Write while listening to music. Maybe get into photography. Work in the yard! Plan! Create something, anything. Get a project. Learn a new skill, like cooking! Explore. So inspiring, right?? And there I go again...

4. Go shopping. For clothes. I hate doing it, but maybe I'll actually feel a little better about myself if I manage to find something that is cute, different, and fits me.

5. Listen to Ray more often and drift in that raspy, delicious voice of his.

...

My life is insane. 

I'm insane.

And wordless.

I wish I was ten years old again, back when things made more sense and promise was in the air I breathed. 

Came across this gem when I was looking for nothing important. Thank you Beethoven. 

All the Sand in the Sea

I have had a crappy few past weeks, with awkward/challenging training for a new position at work as a financial account representative, a new and DIFFICULT quarter in school, having my shift hours change to something this night owl still shudders over, oh, and the great awfulness of having potential drama simmering in the background of my rattled mind.

Today was the final straw. Came home from work defeated.

Then Devotchka entered the scene and shook me up into something better.

Enjoy.

Off to the K2 Ranch!

Winter Quarter is done!! And I have one week off before Spring Quarter starts! Which I will be spending at work and at Kjerstie's, learning how to shove medicine down a cat's throat and put in eyedrops (3 of 6 cats need them). I'll be practicing this every day this week since Kjerstie and Kelli will be going down to Texas for over a week in April and they needed someone to at least take care of the cats and chickens while they're gone. However, they felt it would be a lot for me to handle their two dogs as well, so poor Rocket and Max will be staying elsewhere.

I have to admit it will be a nice change to stay at their place, but I will miss my two sweet kittycats here. Thankfully, Mom has gotten used to them and is willing to look after them while I'm gone. I'll just be staying at the K2 ranch since my work is five minutes from their house and, you know, the annoyingly high bridge tolls...and it's SIX cats and three chickens and fish! Can't leave them alone with just a short drop-by everyday.

This past weekend was gorgeously open and guilt-free (from putting off homework, life stuff, etc). No plans, no deadlines, just blissful nothing but reading, cleaning, playing with the cats, watching shows, and hanging out with Kjerstie and Kelli on Sunday. (Um, by the way, I work Tuesday through Saturday, so I'm still technically on my weekend right now as I'm typing.)

Nothing much to report. That landslide up in Darrington is just terrible! My mom is planning to go to Turkey and Israel next month, that's assuming if it's still possible...and if it is, she'll be gone for over two weeks. The house still hasn't sold and now Mom's in between realtors. Did I mention that the divorce with her and Bill was finalized in January? And Mom's completely immersed herself in a million things and overbooking her schedule-- we never have any kind of conversation ever. She doesn't even hear me when I speak. Ghost in my own house. Geez, I need my own place--just one more year. I'm lucky to be where I am, I know, and I pay rent and help out with things around the house, and whenever I do move, I will miss the trees. In Tacoma and most urban areas, all the trees were cut down long ago. Sigh. But I can't stand being in a place that isn't mine, that I can't arrange things the way I would like it, that I can't come home and act crazy as I would normally would because Mom is there. I might be paying rent, but I'm still just a guest.

Snow

I chose to use my time reading over my insane three journals during my BYU years all of yesterday and tonight and at first I was proud of myself for actually facing it all again. I really haven't written anything in that last beautiful journal since I left. It hurt too much at first, and then as time passed, it started to not mean anything to me. It all died in my heart somehow and I have never looked at it for almost two years once I had written the last details down.

At first, I was proud of myself for doing this, facing the past, truly examining what happened, and knowing I've reached acceptance. But I think the thing that hurt the most was how little it all means to me now. I'm not at that stage of my life anymore. These echoes are worth very little in my present life, but how empty my present life is in comparison.

Yes, I was proud of myself, I even laughed a lot over the things I had forgotten. And then, I faced the fact that I have a big presentation to prepare for that is due tomorrow. I decided to waste my few precious hours reading over the old angst and wonder rather than work on it and now I have to stay up all night to do it; in a way, it makes me feel like I am back in those years, when I would hardly get any sleep, doing stupid stuff and procrastinating everything to the last minute.

Then I crashed into a wall after tripping over a cord I somehow managed to catch my foot on and bruised up my arm. I'm sleep deprived from reading the journals until 2am last night, and I felt woozy. I had to lie down on the floor for a bit; I was seeing strange green spots in my vision. One of my cats came over and bit my arm, gently of course, but god! And then, I felt the loss all over again and started crying. Because I'm tired and opened up a stupid door.

And now I'm here, instead of working on my presentation, while my two cats have a face off from different chairs under the dining room table. And all I can think about is the waste of it all. I feel I've aged ten years since that time in my life.

Why am I sharing any of this? What even started all of this?

A rare dream of snow.

And whenever I dream of snow, he's there.

Hodor

Fun events of the day:

1. Coming home from work to find Bill moved in. Awkwarrrrd conversations amongst the three of us, all on subjects that have already been beaten to death (people at their job, the behaviors of the two kitty cats) and the awful feeling of having to be silent after he goes to bed (EARLY) while Mom and I are night owls who like to be on our own, doing our own thing. I hate having to feel limited in my movements, having to tiptoe around because someone has major sleeping problems and thought it would a good idea to move back in with the two night creatures. I don't know if I can handle three weeks of this weirdness.

2. Mom fell partially down the stairs and hit her head hard on a corner of a door frame. Immediately talked about how she could have a brain bleed. Possible, maybe, but she's been watching videos about people's dreams in the LDS church that have shown the end of the world (her favorite subject besides everything else to do with church, or astronomical events). Mama does love the drama of it all, but won't admit it. Hope her head is okay though.

3. Learned that the trailer for the Game of Thrones Season 4 comes out on Sunday! EEEEEEEE! There's even a teaser for the trailer out on the web right now. Pathetic, but so fun!

4. I'm avoiding a stupid assignment that is due in an hour...

5. Dying of the Light by George R. R. Martin is so gorgeous and so irritating. His creativity knows no bounds. I'm in love.

6. Dan in Real Life is a dang cute movie. Even if his entire family is horrible and Juliette Binoche is over the top emotional. He is a sweetheart. Serious Steve Carrell roles are done seriously well by this talented man.

7. Tell me to go back to work.