I've been such a wreck today. Swayed and held under by my moods of despair, self-disgust, etc . I randomly felt so miserable that I started crying at three separate times while at my desk at work! Aaaaah! Writing random words over and over like "fraud" or "frozen."
I think I might be going crazy. And not just from lack of sleep.
I admit, I have been writing a lot on this blog lately because I was manic over things that had the potential for joy and it's absolutely amazing how even the sheer possibility of something good can make me sooooo happy. And a lunatic.
And, of course, when that pathetic shadow of a hope is taken away, the real crazy settles in. Then I'm forced to truly take a hard look at myself and try not to be buried under the difficult facts. And today was just one of those days when I let myself be overwhelmed, I guess. But I literally felt like I had no defenses. None.
I learned this evening that my dad is going to the hospital. Still waiting to hear from my younger sister on what exactly is going on, but we all know. Even if it isn't today or tomorrow, that pathetic, infuriating piece of work is dying and it will be within this next year. And my life won't be any different with him gone. I won't miss him. I won't even cry when he's dead, unless it's for the waste of his life and the reality that I will never, ever have a father who gives a damn.
You wanna know something stupid? I debated over and over whether or not I would actually "publish" this post, just in case someone actually saw this.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Have a song.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
One day this last week, I was over-the-moon happy. For no reason, whatsoever. None of the usual things that spiral me downwards could touch me that day. But there was nothing lifting me up either. I literally have no idea why. More sleep that day, maybe?
Manic depression runs in the family on my mom's side, I know. And I think I got a portion of that depression/moodiness going on. Because the next day, the dumb little things affected me again, dragged me down into that stupid pit of "nothing matters, I'm worth nothing, etc." And when I barely touched the surface on the topic of my father with a co-worker, I was so angry that I couldn't stop shaking for a good hour. When I'm alone, it doesn't affect me in the same way, but as soon as I vocalize it to a semi-normal human being, I'm infuriated that it all happened and that I cannot express it right. I don't want pity, I don't want to dramatize what my childhood/teenage years were like, I just want someone to understand that I am the way I am in part of because of the freak I was raised by. But I can't get it right. And I get really, really upset by all of it, the sharing and the remembering.
After writing all this, I went skimming through the internet for 30 minutes. I'm not sure I really had a point to this post....or why I felt compelled to write one at all. Today was kind of a lousy day. Talked to my cats (yes, you read that right), watched Girl with a Dragon Tattoo and then, for the hell of it, started watching Orange is the New Black (really like it so far). Nearly watched the whole first season. Yikes.
Tomorrow is my official homework/laundry/stress-out day.
And then...back to work.
I'm so tired of my isolation, but it's all I've had the past three years. The thought that I'm turning 26 next month is just laughable.
I've spent another 15 minutes just trying to find a song that I am feeling right now, but no luck. And I'm tired. Whatever. G'night.
I'm so fucking disturbed by what my mom just said to me, so instead of finishing my homework, I'm here. Seething.
Lately, I've been severely sleep deprived. All my free time is given to school work, with one solitary hour I let myself have to work on something else...or drift...but it's turned me into an insomniac. I can't shut my brain off anymore.
So...when I'm sleep deprived, I tend to go into even more extreme moods. Extremely sleepy, extremely giggly, extremely snappy, extremely numb.
Mom comes in and talks about how she hurt herself on accident, AGAIN (hit her head on something), and I start laughing too hard over it. It didn't warrant the giggling, but everything is so much funnier when everything's hazy and too many things haven't been working out already this day. I can use words properly into sentences?
I apologized and said I get stupid when I never sleep and I don't think I'll ever sleep fully ever again. And Mom, my silent matyr, talks about how she never gets more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep (so she wins, since I get five whole hours). I ask how she can be so calm and collected all the time and not outright crazy on that amount.
Well, pooh pooh my selfish, utterly lacking in self-control child (yeah, she said that, practically). I had to learn the hard way by having you kids and being married to your dad. And I think that's why I was married to him. That must've been the reason why God had me marry him. I was supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut. I probably had a problem with that in the previous, pre-mortal life.
Yeah....THAT'S why God predestined you to marry a sick son-of-a-bitch, to learn through 30+ years of abuse to keep your trap shut... and you are totally unaccountable in that great life decision, of course.
Oh, by the way, Mom, every goddamn person in this world has that problem--no one knows how to shut up. But you're a special case, a special kind of nuts.
Thanks for the dig. You're right. I have no self-control. NONE.
Enter maniacal laughter, again.
I'm going to go throw up now. It's this kind of shit I cannot stand. So self-deprecating, so limiting, so disgusting.
I love the idea of another person, but who the hell am I kidding? My overly strong reactions to teeny tiny gestures of whatever are manic and crazy. They're so strong because I've always been alone, never having known how to be around other people. There are social expectations that I simply cannot manage to meet and it's so pathetic how basic and understandable those expectations are. It's like I'm living in another world in my head that makes more sense than the world around me, but try to explain how....and I realize that, actually, the hazy world I live is no shadowy, lovely secret anymore, and it's so empty, incomprehensible, even to myself, and it does. not. make. sense.
So I'm having insanely strong, emotional reactions to gestures so faint that I'm almost positive I'm making it all up in my head. And everyone who is required to interact with me must think I'm insane. And I feel so crazy that I go off and take walks down to the water in freezing rain and dim light, looking into the depths and feeling a slight sense of security in knowing that possibility is always there, not that I would ever take it...
I shouldn't feel so on guard around him, shouldn't feel so flustered and wary and embarrassed. I wish my mind wouldn't go blank every god damn time...and I turn away every god damn time, wordless, just silenced and immediately, instinctively distancing myself away from the merest hint of...what? Comradery? Because that is all it is, you idiot.
Here's a nice tune to drown my/your soul in. Or two. Matthew, you devil, I wish I could disappear into that voice of yours. Too bad you always fall back to cheesy lines/melodies for your climaxes when the beginnings promised sooooooooo much. Can we draw a parallel or two from that...?
This last week was rough. So disheartening, disappointing, and, inevitably, stressful due to the homework load. This week won't be much better...
Don't feel like going into the reasons.
I found some new music this last week, which I've added to the top of the playlist. Love the whimsical sound of these songs...and the brooding tracks, of course. You know me, the darker, the better.
Watched a lot of Walking Dead yesterday. I love Season 4! It has such great character development and Andrew Lincoln breaks my heart. Loved him since Love Actually and Wuthering Heights. I think it's so funny how I saw both him and David Morrisey (the Governor) in British productions before they both ended up playing Southerners in this show.
Alright...don't have much to add, so it's back to the homework. Or, if I'm being honest, another episode of Walking Dead. I love Daryl, Rick, and Michonne.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
This is always the worst part. Coming back to the house after my sister is gone and trying to go back to my old routine. Both the house and my attempts to fall back are so empty. I can't concentrate on anything and I cannot muster an interest in doing anything, although I automatically cleaned the house, as if setting things to rights could eradicate the painful lump in my throat or fill the silence.
And with Julie, it's just so different. When Nikki left a few weeks ago, I was all ready to see her off. We had a fun weekend at Mt. Baker, but I can only take Nikki for so long. I love her and she is so inspiring to me. But she is also pushy, judgmental, and constantly frustrated with me. Around her, I can't be my loose, goofy, stupid self. I'm still me, just a different version, the way I am different with every single other person, I guess. But with Julie, I can be silly. We're closer in age, have the exact same problems socially and physically, and life doesn't have to be so damn serious all the time. She and I can clash too, but it's always okay.
Having her gone just emphasizes how lonely I am. She's my best friend.
I don't know what is about October, but something always subtly changes in my life. Or, I suppose, not so subtly, i.e. the car crash of 1998, moving/uprooting my childhood in 2001, etc. Not to dampen the magic here.
I want to write in detail about this as I haven't let myself write about any of it whatsoever for this whole past year, not here and not in my journal, which I never write in anymore anyways. But I know as soon as I set it on paper, it will lose its flavor and even its meaning, somehow. And all the soft, barely woken emotions will drift back into the void, as if they never existed. Almost.
To lose the dreaminess,, I have SO MUCH homework to do tonight!! And Julie is flying in tomorrow morning!! Both good reasons why I can't drift in this sweet, small comfort.
Been listening to Jimmy Gnecco's The Heart tonight while cleaning the house for Julie's arrival. Not his best album, but I still love him. Alright, time to study.
I've been sick as a dog since Friday night and I think I'm going to take tomorrow off from work, much as I hate doing that. I was kicked out of the house for all of Saturday when I all I wanted to do was sleeeeeep. My mom had a bunch of old high school friends in town and there was no place for them to sleep unless I was gone. Slept over at my sister's and Kelli drugged me twice while feeding me delicious soup and other healthy foods. I slept a ton and still felt miserable, but they were sweet to have me over and risk infection, especially since they had a guest of their own from out of town.
I found a gorgeous song that I wanted to share here (the true purpose of this post). It's so rare for me to find any music that moves me and takes me to a better place, so I get very excited when I discover one.
Well, I guess it has been three months since I last posted anything, so here's an update:
-Mom and I moved into a smaller house last month. Aunt Cyndi came up for a few days to help, which was amazing of her to do. My mom has SO MUCH STUFF.
-Work is torture. For many a reason. I may have seriously cried in one of the stalls one day. Or two.
-School starts in two weeks and I am utterly dreading this semester. I did so poorly in spring quarter and my mentality towards everything in this topic, and I guess in everything else in life, has diminished to nothing. I feel nothing, except an ineptnes, failure, self-disgust, until, in the next point, where...
-I found a TV series that is better than the books by a landslide! Outlander! Scots, sexxxxy accents, beautiful acting and scenery that takes me completely out of my crappy life and make me feel giddy and excited about what can never happen in my own. The books are fun, but soooooo dramatic without any relief. Personal tastes, whatever. The show is wonderful. And, you know, it's for women. It has gotten me through many a rough moment this past month. And I might be watching it over and over every day.
Honestly, what woman could resist that?!!!
Anways, moving on to a less pleasant reality:
-I weigh more than I ever have in my life.
-I don't have any friends up here. I'm lonely. All the time. Unless I'm not feeling anything. I've really, really degenerated socially and, well, self-esteem-ally. And spark-of-life-ally. I have none. But,
-I'm excited to get away with Nikki this weekend on our hiking/camping trip (she's flying up from San Diego). It's been so long and I can't wait to leave this all behind for just a little while and be with my sister. I'll probably end up crying on this trip too, but that's okay. At least I'll be feeling something.
Have had a busy week with Nikki in town, but man was it cool to see her complete her first full marathon up in Port Angeles! She looked just amazing, so youthful and happy, and I'm so proud of her for accomplishing something so big! She definitely inspires me!
But, as usual, once she left this morning, the inspiration disappeared and life felt heavy again, something to struggle through from day to day. So silly, right?! I need to start making changes, starting with the way I think! Chuck out the negativity! My reality may naturally be colored gray, but there are some behaviors I can address.
1. Lock down on the negative ways I think. Try to catch myself and say, hey loser (perfect example--self-derision), put a different spin on that thought you just had!
2. Get moving. Don't sleep so much, don't eat the typical carb&cholesterol diet, and try to go for a walk every day, at least.
3. Do more things I enjoy that involve the mind!! Not just movies. Paint while listening to new and good music! Write while listening to music. Maybe get into photography. Work in the yard! Plan! Create something, anything. Get a project. Learn a new skill, like cooking! Explore. So inspiring, right?? And there I go again...
4. Go shopping. For clothes. I hate doing it, but maybe I'll actually feel a little better about myself if I manage to find something that is cute, different, and fits me.
5. Listen to Ray more often and drift in that raspy, delicious voice of his.
