"Shall We Call This a Lesson Learned?"

Have had a busy week with Nikki in town, but man was it cool to see her complete her first full marathon up in Port Angeles! She looked just amazing, so youthful and happy, and I'm so proud of her for accomplishing something so big! She definitely inspires me!

But, as usual, once she left this morning, the inspiration disappeared and life felt heavy again, something to struggle through from day to day. So silly, right?! I need to start making changes, starting with the way I think! Chuck out the negativity! My reality may naturally be colored gray, but there are some behaviors I can address.

1. Lock down on the negative ways I think. Try to catch myself and say, hey loser (perfect example--self-derision), put a different spin on that thought you just had!

2. Get moving. Don't sleep so much, don't eat the typical carb&cholesterol diet, and try to go for a walk every day, at least.

3. Do more things I enjoy that involve the mind!! Not just movies. Paint while listening to new and good music! Write while listening to music. Maybe get into photography. Work in the yard! Plan! Create something, anything. Get a project. Learn a new skill, like cooking! Explore. So inspiring, right?? And there I go again...

4. Go shopping. For clothes. I hate doing it, but maybe I'll actually feel a little better about myself if I manage to find something that is cute, different, and fits me.

5. Listen to Ray more often and drift in that raspy, delicious voice of his.

...

My life is insane. 

I'm insane.

And wordless.

I wish I was ten years old again, back when things made more sense and promise was in the air I breathed. 

Came across this gem when I was looking for nothing important. Thank you Beethoven. 

All the Sand in the Sea

I have had a crappy few past weeks, with awkward/challenging training for a new position at work as a financial account representative, a new and DIFFICULT quarter in school, having my shift hours change to something this night owl still shudders over, oh, and the great awfulness of having potential drama simmering in the background of my rattled mind.

Today was the final straw. Came home from work defeated.

Then Devotchka entered the scene and shook me up into something better.

Enjoy.

Off to the K2 Ranch!

Winter Quarter is done!! And I have one week off before Spring Quarter starts! Which I will be spending at work and at Kjerstie's, learning how to shove medicine down a cat's throat and put in eyedrops (3 of 6 cats need them). I'll be practicing this every day this week since Kjerstie and Kelli will be going down to Texas for over a week in April and they needed someone to at least take care of the cats and chickens while they're gone. However, they felt it would be a lot for me to handle their two dogs as well, so poor Rocket and Max will be staying elsewhere.

I have to admit it will be a nice change to stay at their place, but I will miss my two sweet kittycats here. Thankfully, Mom has gotten used to them and is willing to look after them while I'm gone. I'll just be staying at the K2 ranch since my work is five minutes from their house and, you know, the annoyingly high bridge tolls...and it's SIX cats and three chickens and fish! Can't leave them alone with just a short drop-by everyday.

This past weekend was gorgeously open and guilt-free (from putting off homework, life stuff, etc). No plans, no deadlines, just blissful nothing but reading, cleaning, playing with the cats, watching shows, and hanging out with Kjerstie and Kelli on Sunday. (Um, by the way, I work Tuesday through Saturday, so I'm still technically on my weekend right now as I'm typing.)

Nothing much to report. That landslide up in Darrington is just terrible! My mom is planning to go to Turkey and Israel next month, that's assuming if it's still possible...and if it is, she'll be gone for over two weeks. The house still hasn't sold and now Mom's in between realtors. Did I mention that the divorce with her and Bill was finalized in January? And Mom's completely immersed herself in a million things and overbooking her schedule-- we never have any kind of conversation ever. She doesn't even hear me when I speak. Ghost in my own house. Geez, I need my own place--just one more year. I'm lucky to be where I am, I know, and I pay rent and help out with things around the house, and whenever I do move, I will miss the trees. In Tacoma and most urban areas, all the trees were cut down long ago. Sigh. But I can't stand being in a place that isn't mine, that I can't arrange things the way I would like it, that I can't come home and act crazy as I would normally would because Mom is there. I might be paying rent, but I'm still just a guest.

Snow

I chose to use my time reading over my insane three journals during my BYU years all of yesterday and tonight and at first I was proud of myself for actually facing it all again. I really haven't written anything in that last beautiful journal since I left. It hurt too much at first, and then as time passed, it started to not mean anything to me. It all died in my heart somehow and I have never looked at it for almost two years once I had written the last details down.

At first, I was proud of myself for doing this, facing the past, truly examining what happened, and knowing I've reached acceptance. But I think the thing that hurt the most was how little it all means to me now. I'm not at that stage of my life anymore. These echoes are worth very little in my present life, but how empty my present life is in comparison.

Yes, I was proud of myself, I even laughed a lot over the things I had forgotten. And then, I faced the fact that I have a big presentation to prepare for that is due tomorrow. I decided to waste my few precious hours reading over the old angst and wonder rather than work on it and now I have to stay up all night to do it; in a way, it makes me feel like I am back in those years, when I would hardly get any sleep, doing stupid stuff and procrastinating everything to the last minute.

Then I crashed into a wall after tripping over a cord I somehow managed to catch my foot on and bruised up my arm. I'm sleep deprived from reading the journals until 2am last night, and I felt woozy. I had to lie down on the floor for a bit; I was seeing strange green spots in my vision. One of my cats came over and bit my arm, gently of course, but god! And then, I felt the loss all over again and started crying. Because I'm tired and opened up a stupid door.

And now I'm here, instead of working on my presentation, while my two cats have a face off from different chairs under the dining room table. And all I can think about is the waste of it all. I feel I've aged ten years since that time in my life.

Why am I sharing any of this? What even started all of this?

A rare dream of snow.

And whenever I dream of snow, he's there.

Hodor

Fun events of the day:

1. Coming home from work to find Bill moved in. Awkwarrrrd conversations amongst the three of us, all on subjects that have already been beaten to death (people at their job, the behaviors of the two kitty cats) and the awful feeling of having to be silent after he goes to bed (EARLY) while Mom and I are night owls who like to be on our own, doing our own thing. I hate having to feel limited in my movements, having to tiptoe around because someone has major sleeping problems and thought it would a good idea to move back in with the two night creatures. I don't know if I can handle three weeks of this weirdness.

2. Mom fell partially down the stairs and hit her head hard on a corner of a door frame. Immediately talked about how she could have a brain bleed. Possible, maybe, but she's been watching videos about people's dreams in the LDS church that have shown the end of the world (her favorite subject besides everything else to do with church, or astronomical events). Mama does love the drama of it all, but won't admit it. Hope her head is okay though.

3. Learned that the trailer for the Game of Thrones Season 4 comes out on Sunday! EEEEEEEE! There's even a teaser for the trailer out on the web right now. Pathetic, but so fun!

4. I'm avoiding a stupid assignment that is due in an hour...

5. Dying of the Light by George R. R. Martin is so gorgeous and so irritating. His creativity knows no bounds. I'm in love.

6. Dan in Real Life is a dang cute movie. Even if his entire family is horrible and Juliette Binoche is over the top emotional. He is a sweetheart. Serious Steve Carrell roles are done seriously well by this talented man.

7. Tell me to go back to work.

A Look Back

Holidays are finally over and school is on again. My dad made it to his 61st birthday and appears to be doing better. It was discovered that the specific type of gene of his cancer is related to breast cancer (his grandmother died of breast cancer, so it makes sense). It's rare for this gene type to present itself as esophageal cancer, but there is some treatment available, obviously not a cure, but something to buy him more time. After a month of this treatment, my two sisters who spent Christmas with him said he was looking much better than he was at Thanksgiving.

My dad's birthday is also my birthday and I had a good time. In the morning, I helped my ex-step-dad move most of his furniture into a storage unit. He's moving back in to our house for a month, then heading down to Houston to live with his brother. It goes without saying that this is a bit odd and will be an uncomfortable experience, but he will be leaving his sweet cat here with me permanently (Sammy cat from my August entry). After helping him move, I splurged and bought a Nintendo 3DS and two games! Not the smartest thing to do with school starting up, but I will make it work. 

And now, I think I will list all the books I read in the year 2013. I know you're excited. And it may be a little redundant since most are from my reading list I made up for 2013, but...who cares?

Daughter of Smoke and Bone--Laini Taylor

Days of Blood and Starlight--Laini Taylor

Flame of Sevenwaters--Juliet Marillier

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner--Stephenie Meyer

**The Lovely Bones--Alice Sebold

**A Dance with Dragons--George R. R. Martin

Ethan Frome: A Nightmare of Need--Marlene Springer

Another Chance to Dream--Lynn Kurland

If I Had You--Lynn Kurland

City of Bones--Cassandra Clare

City of Ashes--Cassandra Clare

City of Glass--Cassandra Clare

*The Diving Bell and the Butterfly--Jean-Dominique Bauby

*The Snow Child--Eowyn Ivey

Fifty Shades of Grey--E.L. James

Fifty Shades Darker--E.L. James

**The Help--Kathryn Stockett

**The Girl with No Shadow--Joanne Harris

Peaches for Father Francis--Joanne Harris

The Casual Vacancy--J.K. Rowling 

Hit by a Farm--How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Barn--Catherine Friend

Prickle Moon-Juliet Marillier

The Stand--Stephen King

The Life of Charlotte Bronté--Elizabeth Gaskell

Raven Flight--Juliet Marillier 

Beautiful Creatures--Kami Garcia & Margaret Stahl

*The Harvester--Katy Glemser (my cousin! Very cool for her to publish her first novel!)

**Five Quarters of the Orange--Joanne Harris (my favorite of hers so far)

Eleanor & Park--Rainbow Rowell 

Blackberry Wine--Joanne Harris

Jigs and Reels--Joanne Harris

Morning in the Burned House--Margaret Atwood

The Year of the Flood--Margaret Atwood

*The Sense of an Ending--Julian Barnes

The Hours--Michael Cunningham

The Ocean at the End of the Lane--Neil Gaiman

*Never Let Me Go-Kazuo Ishiguro

*Life of Pi-Yann Martel

And the books I re-read this year, for fun, and also to decide if I will ever read these books again. If I know I won't (some of these I haven't read since I was a kid), I should let them go.

A Game of Thrones--George R. R. Martin (for fun)

A Clash of Kings--GRRM (for fun)

Anne of Green Gables--L.M. Montgomery (keeping)

Anne of Avonlea--LMM (letting go)

Anne of the Island--LMM (letting go)

Anne of Windy Poplars--LMM (letting go)

Anne's House of Dreams--LMM (letting go)

Anne of Ingleside--LMM (letting go)

The Latest on My Rabid Mind

1. What kind of present do you get for your dying father's last Christmas (who won't acknowledge that he's dying)? Every other Christmas, he's always asked for candy, food (like beef jerky), socks, ties, or, during my freshman year at college, a laptop (back when we were all seriously broke). That's it. Two years ago the question was "what do I get for a father who has always been distant since the divorce and who seriously damaged my psyche before that?" so I guess the question isn't that different. Wait, what?

2. Catching Fire was awesome! I love what they did with the first movie too. I was strangely detached from the 2nd and 3rd book for some reason--I started getting annoyed about a bunch of things (love triangle, the ease of the revolution, etc). But they made it feel so much darker and real in the movie and I really appreciated that. I love dark movies (that have a viable story, a protagonist I understand/respect, some actual depth, are not about the damn technological effects, etc).

3. He left the job. Abruptly. Just as well.

4. Gravity was another gorgeous movie. Many, many impossibilities, but still a beautiful movie. Go see it.

5. Does anyone else ever feel like an impostor? At their job (which might be more relatable)? In living? I feel like some entity trapped in this body and I simply don't belong here. I feel in every social interaction that I'm pretending, that I'm acting (and obviously failing) and I hate that feeling of being false. And when I'm by myself, there's nothing but the stillness, the silence, nothing else in my mind. A gorgeous reprieve from the pretense, but I still feel wrong. Stuck. Nothing to look back on and dwell on, and nothing to draw me forward or deceptively goad me on.

6. Double stuffed oreos are really goooood.

7. Oh, Happy Thanksgiving.

Another. You're Greek Now, Don't Be Shy

Yes. I'm obsessed.

Did I Just Admit This?

There's a guy. At work. That I really, really don't want to notice in that way. And it doesn't seem right because it feels so different from the last time, in other words, less intense mentally/emotionally/soulfully. He's quick to laugh (and it's such a kind laugh), intelligent, he went really out of his way to help me twice when I didn't ask for any help (and how did he even notice over the voices of everyone else on the phones?), he draws, he used to be a drummer, he's tall, lean, pale, but with the darkest brown eyes I've ever seen. Thankfully, I've never had to stand close enough to see how quickly I'm drawn in by them. I play my indifference card, as usual, and especially now, not just out of the usual fears but because I don't want to feel any hint of this ever again. I still feel like an important piece of me died after the last time, something I can never get back (faith, hope, wonder). It certainly helps to know he has a girlfriend (an excellent weapon to use against the birth of speculations) and, due to recent changes at work, he now sits in an area out of my sight. Thank God. 

I'm at such a loss with myself. I've never been comfortable around guys, especially when I'm attracted to them, and since I've left the religion I was raised in, it's assumed that I'm like everyone else in terms of drinking and casual sex, neither of which am I interested in. Hahaha, truth is, I've never even held hands with another guy before, no first hug, no first kiss; I've merely basked in the presence of the individuals I've admired while staring off somewhere else, pretending to read, etc. From this, you can infer that I've never even known how to talk to a guy, especially one I like (and therefore, I've never dated either). My brain turns to mush and every second feels so utterly profound. For me, the entire world becomes tinged with the knowledge of their existence. And I'm feeling so vulnerable and overly sensitive to everything that I lash out in psychotic defense over every tiny thing that could somehow demean what I'm feeling. Did I mention that I don't understand myself? Now throw into the mix the fact that rationally, I'm a bit repulsed by men, even as I am attracted to them.

And I meant to blog about my dying father (his cancer has spread to his liver--he found out two months ago and only told one of my sisters last week), my usual apathy, and my new, slightly disturbed kitty cat.

P.S. Starting to make a new playlist. Check it out if you like. ------>

P.P.S. If you actually did read this (Char, Julie), just know I really don't want to talk about this new guy the next time we talk on the phone. Thanks.