Hozier

This is why I'm grinning as I clean the house. :)

Julie recommended Hozier to me yesterday and I'm kinda in love with this guy. Take a listen!

James Horner. His music IS my childhood. That and some Enya, early Sarah McLachlan, and Clannad. I can't believe he's been dead almost a year and I can't believe he wasn't recognized more in his heyday, with the exception of Titanic (sigh. Pop culture. I do love that soundtrack too, but what about all his other works? How did Braveheart not get an Academy Award??!!!). 

Yes, in later films, he did use old material with slight variations and that got annoying, but the soundtracks from the '90s were wonderful. Each of these songs brought a depth and poignancy that defined these movies. I get teary-eyed listening to any of these. Take a listen. 

Dreams

In the last five years, I have rarely dreamed in my sleep. When I have experienced dreams, they have always been stressful, traumatic, scary, or disheartening. Sort of reflecting my own perception of myself, my life, and how I see the world. There have been a few supportive, semi-comforting dreams, but the details would never stick and I didn't really care.

When I was a kid, I would sometimes dream what would happen the next day. It didn't happen that often, but sometimes, as a conversation would unfold in my elementary school class, I would suddenly recognize the exact voice and words being spoken from a dream I had. I knew who would respond next and what they would say and who would speak after that person. I would watch it play out before me exactly as I had dreamed it and it scared me to death. I didn't understand how I could know something like that. And I still don't know.

The same thing goes for intuition. Sometimes, I have these powerful moments of intuition where I just know, incontrovertibly, something that is about to happen, or I suddenly, powerfully recognize a person I have never seen before in my life (like Paul or Kyle), or I just know that somehow I'm going to be affected by something or someone in such a way that my life will change.

And sometimes it's over minor things, like knowing what someone was thinking without them saying it (doesn't happen very often!), or over objects, like that Valentine's Day in 2010 when my roommates were getting package after package and flower delivery after flower delivery left on our porch. I wasn't expecting anything and honestly didn't care, but when I stepped out my door to go to work, I saw a little package on our porch rug and everything in me suddenly, possessively proclaimed "THAT'S MINE!" I remember being so floored, so confused by the intensity of that inexplicable reaction and I was actually scared to pick up the bag. But I finally did and, sure enough, no surprise, it was for me. From some secret admirer. Which was impossible, absolutely impossible. I was in such shock over it, that when I came back from work, I put it on my desk, unopened, and just stared at from my bed across the room, wondering how the hell it existed, why would anyone want to send me something, was it a joke? It had taken forethought, intent and I couldn't (and still can't) believe that someone actually wanted to give me something. I kept the bag after eating all the cinnamon flavored chocolate bears (which I don't like, but I wanted to honor this amazing, impossible gift) and cherry-flavored lips (umm, kinda suggestive and kinda awesome). I still have the bag. And even though this was six years ago, I still pull it out every Valentine's Day and just wonder over it for a few minutes.

That was a major tangent. My point was that dreams used to be a big deal for me. I kept dream journals and used to have powerful, intense dreams that would affect me so deeply and stay with me for days and days. And even though I outgrew that particular ability of dreaming what would happen the next day, I still valued these dreams and, honestly, lived for them and desperately wanted to believe they had some sort of unconscious truth to them. Particularly over one person back at BYU. When I first met him, I experienced the most intense moment of recognition/intuition in my entire life. It scared the living shit out of me. But I won't go into details about all of this, except to say that yes, I had many intense dreams about him, some of which I later on learned held details that were actually true about him that I couldn't have known (the state he was from, the number of siblings, that he had lived on a ranch, etc).  But that ship sailed long ago. And I had locked all of this away, up to the point where I have honestly lost all of who I was once was, that vibrancy and joy of life back when I believed and was so intensely moved by my intuition and dreams.

But last night, I had two dreams that were...that were so intense and so wonderful, just like the dreams I used to have 5+ years ago. And one involved this person I haven't dreamed of in a good way since 2011. But now I'm hesitant to write them down. They're so personal. One involved him and one involved flying and both filled me with that old wonder. I'm grateful I had them, It seems to tie in with the shift happening in my life now. Perhaps I will write them down in my journal, although maybe I won't. I don't want to get hyped up and tangled over what might have been. Already trying to push it away, bury it forever...

Wow, all that build-up for nothing, right? I miss who I used to be, and when I woke up this morning from these dreams, for just a moment, I felt how I used to. But we can't go back.

Well, this week certainly hasn't gone as planned. I've been sick since Saturday. Went in for my first day on Monday, then called out sick Tuesday, Wednesday, and today.  Bad as the congestion, coughing, and sore throat are, it's the fatigue that is really hitting me. Been sleeping over 12 hours at night and then another six hours during the day, every day. And, of course, drinking tons of water, tea, hot cocoa, and eating almost nothing. I've never been hit so hard by a cold before.

And since it's been three days, I have to provide a doctor's note to keep my brand new job, so I went and saw a doctor today for the first time in over ten years, which was a strange experience for me, Shockingly, there really wasn't anything they could do, except to say treat the symptoms. Hahaha.   But I got my doctor's note. They told me that because I have a fever, I shouldn't go in to work tomorrow, but Monday should be okay.

I've never missed four days of work in a row for an illness. I feel pretty awful still, but I really don't think sitting on my ass for another day is going to help. And I'll have the weekend to sleep. So, gonna psyche myself into going again...but really, I am tired. I get up and walk around a little bit and I have to sit back down pretty quickly.

Okay, so undecided. But I know I should just go in. It's just one day and now that I have my ID and parking sticker and know where to park and won't be accosted by security, I think it will be okay. I have the mask I was given by the doc's office, too, which is good.

Maybe next week, right? You know, the first year marker of Dad's death, on Monday. Fuck.

I still haven't written it down in full, that experience of watching my dad die a slow, horrible death. I don't think I ever will. But I wish I had someone to talk to about it who's outside of my family. It's great to have a a ton of sisters who were there and who get it, but one thing that really struck home during that time was that they all had someone outside of our immediate family, a spouse or boyfriend, or a really close friend, to turn to and talk to, someone outside of the tangled, toxic history.

Guess it's time I really considered therapy.

Have a song. Or three!

Tomorrow is my last day at my job! Moving on to the Health Information Management department at a hospital in Bremerton. Definitely a step in the right direction. Now, all I gotta do is get the hell out of this house! I hope to be gone by April, but it may take as long as  May. Grrrrr.

I am excited to start this new job, but with every new beginning, something else ends. I won't miss my actual position in Patient Access, but I will miss some of the people there. And I always feel this tug at my heart when something ends. Things will never be the same, you know? Undoubtedly,  I will linger over my desk at the end of my last shift and have memories flood my mind all at once. Endings are always bittersweet. But it's been a long time coming and I'm ready to leave.

Some problems have cropped up in the last 24 hours related to the new job, but you know what? They will be dealt with. I had one good thing happen to me this last week and whenever that miracle suddenly appears, there's always complications in other areas of my life that hit all at once. Thanks, universe. I knew you hadn't forgotten me, crouching in the shadows.

I'm so god damn lonely. There's no one to share any of this with. Julie and I call each other every couple of days to chat, at least. I think I would emotionally wilt away if I didn't have her in my life. I'm so, so lonely. My social skills have shriveled into nothing, my heart is so hardened, my self-perception is so blank, so empty. I crave physical comfort from another human being. I've gone without it for years and years and I feel that somehow if I had that, another person to hold, another person who cared and wanted to be in my life, who I cared about and wanted to be in their life, if I could just hold onto them and know that I was worth something to someone, maybe I could feel whole. What is that like?

To quote Before Sunset, "I feel like if someone were to touch me, I would dissolve into molecules."

Maybe this will help me sleep. Sweet dreams.

My two cats are mirroring each other on my bed while I listen to singles by Daughter that I just bought on iTunes. It's been a long day of watching random videos on Youtube and season 4 of Parks and Recreation. I managed to do one load of laundry, but I still haven't folded the clothes. The fridge is empty, my bathroom's a wreck, my night stand and dresser are covered in used dishes, glasses, and empty Amazon boxes. My period started this morning. I feel sick from lying in my bed for the last two days, eating oatmeal, old pasta, and peanut butter with chocolate chips. I've been having dreams of my dad this last week and have randomly smelled at work that horrible smell from his bedroom, that combination of bile, blood, starvation, death. 

That room that held so many memories, mostly bad ones. But when I went down there and stayed with him for those six months in 2012, we actually had almost a few, normal conversations in that room. How many times did I see him take naps on that bed? And that's where he died. Except that he died on a hospital bed that was brought in for the last two days, so the blood/bile coming up out of his mouth wasn't quite as much as when he was lying flat on his bed. And now I'm crying and I swear, I didn't set out to write about him, but he's been on my mind a lot the past couple of weeks and I can't help but feel horrible, absolutely horrible, even though there wasn't a damn thing that could be done to fix our relationship, because he was inflexible, so strange, completely lacking empathy, and never once recognized that the way he had treated us was abusive and wrong. But I should have gone to see him that last Christmas, I should have called him more. He wouldn't have communicated anything and my reaching out really would not have changed anything, and I don't regret not having him in my life now, but I hate, I hate how he died. No one deserves a death like that. No one. Why am I smelling it?!!! And at work, I've had so many patients' accounts with the date of birth of March 7th and it's like a little, precise stab into my psyche. Or, even worse, and this has happened a few times, when Moody Blues suddenly comes on the hold music for an insurance company while working on a patient with that date of birth and I'm already thinking about him. Argh!! 

He's been dead eleven months today. I just realized that. I was only thinking about it being about a month until the one year marker. I asked for March 7th off from work. Hopefully, I will get it. I have nothing planned, I just can't be there that day. 

I don't really have the heart to write about my personal life otherwise. Well, except I may possibly have a new job soon in HIM, fingers crossed. But I've hit so many walls in this application process for this job, it's been such a long time, and now, at the very end, I've hit one more wall, and it's killing me. I want, I NEED to turn in my two weeks' notice. My current job is absolute poison to me. The HIM department will be another hen house, but it won't be tinged with memories from the worst years of my life. Granted, I only started here in Feb 2013, so 2011 & 2012 weren't included (and those years were BAD), but it's still toxic to me. I can't stand the people I work with, the work itself, and, well, everything else. 

Finally watched Only Lovers Left Alive.

I could watch Tom Hiddleston forever, his face, his voice. Especially as this jaded vampire/musician. Quoting Shakespeare. "This quintessence of dust." Damn.

 I love how so many of the scenes are quiet. The vampire couple sitting still in gorgeous, shadowed lighting.  Listening to the world around them.

Love the soundtrack too. It fits the pace of this movie and gives it such an atmosphere. 

And just, aaaah..

Space

I'm always amazed by how self-centered I can be. Tonight, I was wallowing in this haze of "nothing matters," and even a phone call from Julie to tell me about a freaking hilarious ad wasn't enough to pull me out of it. You may have already seen it on Youtube:

I know, what the hell, right? And it goes on and on. Julie says she wants one for Christmas. 

But I was still in my haze, despite the random/hilarious/disturbing interruption. Until I remembered a guy who makes videos about 10 random facts on a certain subject. I love his videos about space. He's made 5 videos and they get more sophisticated as you go forward through the collection, but he still has a quirky sense of humor that I appreciate. 

Mmph. For whatever reason, I can't attach Part I, so I just picked another Space video in the series, but you should check all of them out. It brought me right out of my self-pity cloud and made me feel almost euphoric. We know so much about the universe and so little! I love it. 

Check out his video on the ocean, too:

I had a productive, normal, happy-feeling evening. First time in MONTHS:

-Deposited check from Dad's estate in the amount I had contributed to fix up the house...oh, you know, $10,000. That was how much we each got from his 401k No biggie. ("Umm, WHAT?!!" you shout in your head). And we should be getting another 10 grand once everything else gets paid off, due to profits from selling the house. And then, of course, there was the life insurance we split between us that Dad meant for his millionaire brother to have (lucky he picked Uncle Chris, who was too good to keep it and insisted that "your dad would want you girls to have it." Baahahahahaha. The lies we tell). With that in play, between five of us, we each got $90,000 from Dad's death. And Julie and Bobby get an extra....wait, was this information too specific?? Are the evil people going to come after me now. Maybe. Shitheads.

-Cleaned kitchen/did dishes/took out garbage/took garbage cans out to street

-Brought in mail (yeah, you heard me. Pro-active!!!!)

-Cleaned my bathroom after, you know, a month

-FINALLY cleared out the clog in my bathroom sink that I've been tolerating/ignoring for MONTHS

-Reorganized the crap under the sink

-Took a look at my crammed closet and ran to get some boxes from the garage. Packed up all the stuff I love but won't actually need for the next couple of months. Came out with four giant, heavy boxes and now I can actually see what's in my closet and I have access to all my dresser drawers for clothes, which, in turn, allows me to see how little I have in the way of a wardrobe. Which I already knew, but seeing it makes a major difference. Worked on this for over two hours!

Tomorrow:

Make appt with optometrist (my eyesight has been seriously blurry/degenerating since April...and it's been four years since I last saw a doc)
Fandango tickets
Work on cleaning the rug of shame (bad cats!!)
Clean the house since Mom has company Wednesday night and we're hosting Thanksgiving!!!
Work on Xmas lists

My goal is to find a new job by the end of January. Once I've found said job, the goal will be to move out within two months. BOOM! Plans/drama within the family died down and my one happy hope died with it. But I'm getting over it and now is the time to focus. Because I can't stand my job,  I cannot stand living in this house with my mother anymore, it's her house, not mine, and what were the last two years of schooling for if I don't pursue a different position? And I need to effing grow up. There is literally nothing holding me back. Not money (obviously), not school, no personal situation happening, just the sheer combination of laziness/fear/self-loathing/self-destructive tendencies. Grrr. But today, I'm feeling none of that! And hopefully tomorrow, I'll still feel the same.