Sometimes, I feel absolutely capable of finding my way. The certainty is brief, fleeting, but it's a wonderful moment, like when I find a new and exciting job oppurtunity (like being a Library Tech at Crater Lake National Park). And somehow the possibilities of my future that range out in front of me in those swift moments are endless, but at the same time they're not terrifying (as they usually are to me), they're achieveable. But only for a moment. The assurance, the absolute certainty disappears.
This week, I have been down in the dumps to an alarming degree, believing myself to be incompetent, worthless, and filled with regret, all the usual symptoms. And I still feel all of those things, of course. It's always in the back of my mind, a lifelong habit; I'm always looking backwards. And I'll admit that last year, 2011, was the worst year of my life. Despite how difficult it was for me to get through, it is very, very hard to let go of all the things that happened, or, even worse, what could have happened. Regrets are such awful, taunting demons. But I'm working on it.
I feel like I'm in limbo right now. A state of transition. Except I'm not helping myself move forward. I put so much of myself into the last few years (ironically) and now that all of that is gone, I feel I don't have a center. And I don't. Religion is something I hardly ever think about anymore. and I wish I could explain why, but I hate debates. I don't want to end up alone, but I can't seem to grow. And I like being on my own, most of the time. A million things hold me back. The possibility of any hope seems impossible, it always has. Except for those brief, brief moments of certainty that I can't explain.
It's awful of me to tell myself that I am a blackhole, that I take in all light and cannot give any of it back. It is awful to think. But I am a detached person and don't give much. I used to think I was such a good listener when I was a kid, but I have learned over the years that I am not. That I live too much inside myself, that I am thoughtless, and that I am constantly on the defense, to a point that's even hurtful. I like to say it's because of my dad, it's because of the environment I was raised in, as if I didn't have a choice now, even after all these years since my parents' divorce. But I do have to choice, a choice to not let my instinctual reactions take over, to not panic over something so small, to not recoil at a certain tone, to not instinctual judge on such small gestures and expressions. I do this, all the time. It will probably take the rest of my life, maybe not even then, but I know I have to work on it.
Wow, I am rambling, aren't I? The point is this: Even though I feel aimless, directionless, even a bit lifeless right now, deep down I know I'm not. I feel like I've buried myself alive and don't really know how to live a a life anymore, but it isn't a hopeless situation, I have to keep telling myself that. It doesn't help, not having the structure of school or a steady job; it makes me feel like I have no purpose. But I'm on the hunt for a new drive. I have to force myself to look up now. And it's going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do.
I love the way you write. I can totally see what you're feeling through the way you express it.
ReplyDeleteI strongly believe that this world isn't good enough for you. You're incredible.
All anybody can do is keep trying, and I know you will. I'm thinking of you always. I believe in you. I think once you find work that you feel at least somewhat comfortable with you'll feel loads better. It's amazing what having income will do for your spirits. I know when I was looking for work I was really depressed, felt like I couldn't do anything.
Have you tried a temp agency? I was so glad my grad school friend Mollie suggested it awhile back.
Anyway, I love you. It's okay to feel scared/incompetent, most people do, even the ones with jobs (I've come to find). You're not alone, I promise. :)