I've discovered a new group and fallen head over heels. It's my typical airy, breathy, Sigur Rós type of love. They're pretty powerful, actually, and only one or two songs feel contrived. Love the lyrics and the atmosphere.

Check out Daughter on the new playlist!

I am so disturbed by my mom and her tenacious focus on how this country is doomed to fail. It's fine to think that politicians are awful and how certain trends in society aren't great, but I'm so tired of the doomsday talk. I don't care how intellectual she is or how many economic facts she can come up with or what's happening out in the world; nothing is going to happen, most likely, and if it does, it is all out of our hands. The way she twists all of these "facts" into her spirituality and "prophetic" dreams, her supposedly psychic sister who foresees all things terrible, the money she throws away on things she is never going to use, the strange certainty that all these supposed future events are tied so personally to herself in this narcissist way, god, it alarms me how she thrives on it.

I know I said I wouldn't blog, but the computer was right here and she just went to bed. 

Not much has changed, except for my job. It used to make me anxious, but I didn't outright hate it like I do now. I'm going to start looking for another position soon. I would have today but I've been sick since Tuesday and I literally slept all of last night and today. And I'm still exhausted, with a stuffy head. My ankle still hurts from when I wrenched it, last week on Friday at work. That one's a great story. Argh. 

Everyone in my family is unhappy. And crazy. As am I. 

I think I'm going to take a break from blogging. It may be faster to type things out, but I don't feel comfortable going into the details about more personal things on this blog; it will force me to write down everything in my actual journal, which is a good thing. Plus, posting on a blog gives me the faintest glimmer of a chance that someone out there gives a damn and I don't want that. It messes with my head.

So, this is me, signing off this blog. Don't know when I'll write on here again. I might sometime down the road, just not now.

And they're gone.

This past week was a lot of fun for the most part. So nice to kick back and not go into work and watch movies with my sister. Had a good chat with my brother-in-law too at one point. Played lots of games, did some shopping, went out to see the Wetlands Nature Preserve in Belfair, spent some time with KJ/Kelli, my mom irritated me to no end, etc.

Nikki's Xmas package never arrived here. In my family, the married couple's give each other presents, as well as the parents, and Nikki and I exchange presents, so Christmas was a little bland. I just feel terrible because this year Nikki crocheted an amazing gift for both  me and my mom and spent all that money too. 

And I spoke with my dad on Christmas. Julie was over there at his house and answered the phone. When he got on the phone, I could just hear how much pain he was in and he was so out of breath too. He hardly spoke a word and after ten minutes, I ran out of things to say or ask and was trying to hide the fact that I was crying. Gotta call him on Tuesday too since it's both his birthday and mine. 

Dreading going back to work/school (starts again Jan 5th). Gotta make this weekend count! 

Needed a break from the cleaning! I have to clear out of my room tomorrow to make way for Char and Dave. I'll be sleeping on a blow up mattress in the dining room while they're here. Yay!!! Oh well, nothing anyone can do about it. I'm just happy that they will be here for Christmas! Last year was so depressing. It was me, Mom, and Bill, months after he had moved out. Awkward! And he hung around for the whole day, morning to midnight practically.

Aaaah, my cat just dug her claws into my hand. Ouch. Probably should cut their claws before Char and Dave get here. Their plane lands at 8am. Yahoooo.

I almost blogged on Tuesday to talk about how I must be completely out of my mind about a certain fellow, but decided not let myself make a drama out of it all. Then something else happened yesterday that made me wonder if maybe...and then I didn't say goodbye today. Because I'm a coward. I hate, hate, hate forcing myself on other people, especially people I like. I don't want to be an attention-seeker, but it's so extreme that I end up appearing unfriendly and mean. God, I hate it.

Don't know if I'll blog or not during this next week, but now that I think about it, I probably will. I'm always so happy to see family after being apart for a long time, and then I always end up depressed by how much things have changed...and not changed...Guess I can't ever be satisfied. Isn't it completely stupid?

If I don't post anything, Merry Christmas!

I always want to think that somehow this blog matters to someone out there. Wouldn't that be nice? It's wretched, actually, because then I start to wonder or hope that it matters to someone I actually know, who I might see every day. So, when something happens that seems to relate to what I just wrote...I'm setting myself up to see connections that are not there. Logic does not play a role. Like when a storming sea suddenly, dangerously smolders in someone's eyes, enhanced by an infectious, utterly contrasting grin...can I just be seared away forever and not wonder anymore?

Gotta love how dramatic I am, but it's all still true. I'm good at closing doors on things best forgotten; I just needed to get it out of my system.

Been Christmas shopping online for the family tonight and it's so much fun! Got Kjerstie, Julie, Char, and Dave taken care of tonight, which leaves Mom, Dad (aargh--what do you buy a dying man??), Nikki (who still hasn't sent me a list of ideas), and Kelli. And I'm thinking I might make cookies to bring to work sometime this week, especially for poor Sharon who will have to help manage our workload while I'm gone all next week. So excited for a break!!

Goodnight.

I honestly don't know where to start, so I have been avoiding this blog and my journal this whole weekend. And I don't feel driven to write about any of this either, but it might clear my head a little.

The night before Friday, I stayed up until 1am, reading a book I didn't mean to get sucked into, but after three hours I looked at the clock for the first time and realized "oh, crap" and tried to sleep with that story racing through my mind. Didn't work out too well.

And then Friday at work was chaotic, for many reasons, and it was probably that much more difficult because I didn't have the mental capacity to think on three hours of sleep. And then, completely out of the blue, I get asked out via email by someone at work.

I had often wondered why he emailed me so much or would keep talking to me despite how awkward and boring I am, but I literally had no idea that he was interested in me. The whole idea of anyone being interested in me, especially the way I am now, is so laughable, impossible, and yet somehow this happened.

My past history with guys is simple: my friend's brother once took me out to lunch and I wasn't quite sure if  it was a date or not, but it must have been because he was sooooo nervous in a way I never seen before and I felt terrible because I wasn't interested in him at all. And while waiting for over an hour for a late friend at Culver's in Texas (during the six months I spent living with my dad), a guy hung around that whole time and eventually came over, asking for my number. And now this.

What do you say when you don't feel a spark and no interest, even after talking for some time, or have known them for over a year and they ask you out out of nowhere? I can't imagine the guts it takes to approach someone and make yourself vulnerable and be turned away. I don't take risks, I have trust issues, and I think there must be something wrong with me because I don't like most people. And even the people I do like in a general comradery sort of way, it doesn't have any lasting effect on me. It's the rare ones that are like gasoline to a flame, the ones that wake me up and terrify me with how much I feel in a single glance, that I would follow anywhere and, I think, completely lose myself in. Every choice is wrong. I need to feel something, but what I feel is always extreme and rare.

I turned this guy down in as nice a way as I could come up with while being completely in shock and running on the fumes left after not sleeping. Everything is so goddamn serious to me and I feel incredibly awkward going to back to work tomorrow, especially after he replied to my response by listing off things he liked about me and that it was okay. Am I horrible person if I don't want to risk hanging out with someone because I don't want to give the wrong idea? Did I do the right thing? Did I throw away a rare opportunity?

The one thing I can take away from this is the tantalizing fact that you can never truly know what people think of you.

My mom's piano playing/singing is driving me NUTS. If she was good, it wouldn't bother me. But it's the same sappy and/or preachy church music that makes me cringe from the first heavily, heavily struck chord. Oh mom, the way you pound out music so soullessly, just aaack. And her voice is so weak and offkey, it makes my skin crawl.

To drown her out, I've been Youtube-ing Christmas songs and trying to get excited about the holidays. Guess I'm getting old, cause, damn, it's not working. But music is music. Which reminded me that I had created a Xmas playlist years ago. So check it out on the right.

It definitely needs some editing, but I'll worry about that when finals are over.

Trying to come up with a Christmas/birthday list is really, really difficult! I've spent the last two hours on it and have a fairly decent one now, but man, it didn't use to be like this. I guess that's what happens when you have money--you buy the things you want. Most of what I'm asking for this year will be for when I move out, kitchen and bathroom things, etc.

Last night was fun! I went over to Kjerstie/Kelli's after work and hung out. Watched a ton of "Honest Trailers," played some games, Kelli made an amazing potato and leek soup, and then I got to witness them have an actual fight! Aaaaaah. I've seen them disagree, but never where they lost their tempers! So awkward being the random, third-wheel witness.

I don't want to think about tomorrow. Gotta get up at 7am and dive into the madness. This next week of finals/projects will be one giant migraine, but once it's over, I'm free until January!

Since I last wrote:

-Spoke with my dad on Thanksgiving. He told us that it might be time for him to throw in the towel with work.  For him, we've always known that as long as Dad was working, he was doing okay, but that eventually, when nearing the end, he would have to quit. He hasn't quit yet, but hearing him openly approach the subject was surprising--he's been acting like his tough attitude could beat down what the medical results are saying, so admitting that he might be burned out is a definite sign that he actually is. He can never be weak in front of anyone.

-Saw Interstellar with Kjerstie/Kelli yesterday. I've been looking forward to this movie for almost a year, which kind of explains my intense disappointment. I looooved the beginning of the movie, including when they went into space. Once they brought in the random motivation of Amelia's character to see her never-before-mentioned, old love marooned on one the planets they were trying to get to....it all just tanked. Then...enter Matt Damon's character and the stupid, STUPID fight and the helmet cracking and the grandiose script and shit, it all pissed me off. In addition to all that crazy, the tributes to 2001: Space Odyssey that were made in the movie were almost too much, like stealing. And the fact that the women were always these emotional and therefore irrational beings that were given the answers by men, just, UGH.........

I still love space movies. And I will buy this one. Visually, it was so beautiful and it's amazing how they used actual physics to depict what a wormhole or black hole would look like, as well as for the story, you know, except for the presence and effects of radiation. Did they forget about that? HAH. Whatever.

12/2/14: Okay, so I know my review sounds harsh. I was still reeling from all the improbabilities and the lack of human connection, and my ultra-sensitivity to sexist stuff etc, etc, but honestly, I do really like the movie. Things are never what you expect them to be, right?

Found two glorious Youtube fan videos of Game of Thrones. But I won't post them. Instead, I'll just post the songs used, which make up half their beauty.

12/2/14--P.S. Isn't it totally ironic that the song I found for a GoT video is called Saturn and Interstellar's wormhole was right by Saturn. Man, I loved those shots in that movie of the ship flying near that planet. And it's my ruling planet--Capricorn. :)