Snow

I chose to use my time reading over my insane three journals during my BYU years all of yesterday and tonight and at first I was proud of myself for actually facing it all again. I really haven't written anything in that last beautiful journal since I left. It hurt too much at first, and then as time passed, it started to not mean anything to me. It all died in my heart somehow and I have never looked at it for almost two years once I had written the last details down.

At first, I was proud of myself for doing this, facing the past, truly examining what happened, and knowing I've reached acceptance. But I think the thing that hurt the most was how little it all means to me now. I'm not at that stage of my life anymore. These echoes are worth very little in my present life, but how empty my present life is in comparison.

Yes, I was proud of myself, I even laughed a lot over the things I had forgotten. And then, I faced the fact that I have a big presentation to prepare for that is due tomorrow. I decided to waste my few precious hours reading over the old angst and wonder rather than work on it and now I have to stay up all night to do it; in a way, it makes me feel like I am back in those years, when I would hardly get any sleep, doing stupid stuff and procrastinating everything to the last minute.

Then I crashed into a wall after tripping over a cord I somehow managed to catch my foot on and bruised up my arm. I'm sleep deprived from reading the journals until 2am last night, and I felt woozy. I had to lie down on the floor for a bit; I was seeing strange green spots in my vision. One of my cats came over and bit my arm, gently of course, but god! And then, I felt the loss all over again and started crying. Because I'm tired and opened up a stupid door.

And now I'm here, instead of working on my presentation, while my two cats have a face off from different chairs under the dining room table. And all I can think about is the waste of it all. I feel I've aged ten years since that time in my life.

Why am I sharing any of this? What even started all of this?

A rare dream of snow.

And whenever I dream of snow, he's there.

Hodor

Fun events of the day:

1. Coming home from work to find Bill moved in. Awkwarrrrd conversations amongst the three of us, all on subjects that have already been beaten to death (people at their job, the behaviors of the two kitty cats) and the awful feeling of having to be silent after he goes to bed (EARLY) while Mom and I are night owls who like to be on our own, doing our own thing. I hate having to feel limited in my movements, having to tiptoe around because someone has major sleeping problems and thought it would a good idea to move back in with the two night creatures. I don't know if I can handle three weeks of this weirdness.

2. Mom fell partially down the stairs and hit her head hard on a corner of a door frame. Immediately talked about how she could have a brain bleed. Possible, maybe, but she's been watching videos about people's dreams in the LDS church that have shown the end of the world (her favorite subject besides everything else to do with church, or astronomical events). Mama does love the drama of it all, but won't admit it. Hope her head is okay though.

3. Learned that the trailer for the Game of Thrones Season 4 comes out on Sunday! EEEEEEEE! There's even a teaser for the trailer out on the web right now. Pathetic, but so fun!

4. I'm avoiding a stupid assignment that is due in an hour...

5. Dying of the Light by George R. R. Martin is so gorgeous and so irritating. His creativity knows no bounds. I'm in love.

6. Dan in Real Life is a dang cute movie. Even if his entire family is horrible and Juliette Binoche is over the top emotional. He is a sweetheart. Serious Steve Carrell roles are done seriously well by this talented man.

7. Tell me to go back to work.

A Look Back

Holidays are finally over and school is on again. My dad made it to his 61st birthday and appears to be doing better. It was discovered that the specific type of gene of his cancer is related to breast cancer (his grandmother died of breast cancer, so it makes sense). It's rare for this gene type to present itself as esophageal cancer, but there is some treatment available, obviously not a cure, but something to buy him more time. After a month of this treatment, my two sisters who spent Christmas with him said he was looking much better than he was at Thanksgiving.

My dad's birthday is also my birthday and I had a good time. In the morning, I helped my ex-step-dad move most of his furniture into a storage unit. He's moving back in to our house for a month, then heading down to Houston to live with his brother. It goes without saying that this is a bit odd and will be an uncomfortable experience, but he will be leaving his sweet cat here with me permanently (Sammy cat from my August entry). After helping him move, I splurged and bought a Nintendo 3DS and two games! Not the smartest thing to do with school starting up, but I will make it work. 

And now, I think I will list all the books I read in the year 2013. I know you're excited. And it may be a little redundant since most are from my reading list I made up for 2013, but...who cares?

Daughter of Smoke and Bone--Laini Taylor

Days of Blood and Starlight--Laini Taylor

Flame of Sevenwaters--Juliet Marillier

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner--Stephenie Meyer

**The Lovely Bones--Alice Sebold

**A Dance with Dragons--George R. R. Martin

Ethan Frome: A Nightmare of Need--Marlene Springer

Another Chance to Dream--Lynn Kurland

If I Had You--Lynn Kurland

City of Bones--Cassandra Clare

City of Ashes--Cassandra Clare

City of Glass--Cassandra Clare

*The Diving Bell and the Butterfly--Jean-Dominique Bauby

*The Snow Child--Eowyn Ivey

Fifty Shades of Grey--E.L. James

Fifty Shades Darker--E.L. James

**The Help--Kathryn Stockett

**The Girl with No Shadow--Joanne Harris

Peaches for Father Francis--Joanne Harris

The Casual Vacancy--J.K. Rowling 

Hit by a Farm--How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Barn--Catherine Friend

Prickle Moon-Juliet Marillier

The Stand--Stephen King

The Life of Charlotte Bronté--Elizabeth Gaskell

Raven Flight--Juliet Marillier 

Beautiful Creatures--Kami Garcia & Margaret Stahl

*The Harvester--Katy Glemser (my cousin! Very cool for her to publish her first novel!)

**Five Quarters of the Orange--Joanne Harris (my favorite of hers so far)

Eleanor & Park--Rainbow Rowell 

Blackberry Wine--Joanne Harris

Jigs and Reels--Joanne Harris

Morning in the Burned House--Margaret Atwood

The Year of the Flood--Margaret Atwood

*The Sense of an Ending--Julian Barnes

The Hours--Michael Cunningham

The Ocean at the End of the Lane--Neil Gaiman

*Never Let Me Go-Kazuo Ishiguro

*Life of Pi-Yann Martel

And the books I re-read this year, for fun, and also to decide if I will ever read these books again. If I know I won't (some of these I haven't read since I was a kid), I should let them go.

A Game of Thrones--George R. R. Martin (for fun)

A Clash of Kings--GRRM (for fun)

Anne of Green Gables--L.M. Montgomery (keeping)

Anne of Avonlea--LMM (letting go)

Anne of the Island--LMM (letting go)

Anne of Windy Poplars--LMM (letting go)

Anne's House of Dreams--LMM (letting go)

Anne of Ingleside--LMM (letting go)

The Latest on My Rabid Mind

1. What kind of present do you get for your dying father's last Christmas (who won't acknowledge that he's dying)? Every other Christmas, he's always asked for candy, food (like beef jerky), socks, ties, or, during my freshman year at college, a laptop (back when we were all seriously broke). That's it. Two years ago the question was "what do I get for a father who has always been distant since the divorce and who seriously damaged my psyche before that?" so I guess the question isn't that different. Wait, what?

2. Catching Fire was awesome! I love what they did with the first movie too. I was strangely detached from the 2nd and 3rd book for some reason--I started getting annoyed about a bunch of things (love triangle, the ease of the revolution, etc). But they made it feel so much darker and real in the movie and I really appreciated that. I love dark movies (that have a viable story, a protagonist I understand/respect, some actual depth, are not about the damn technological effects, etc).

3. He left the job. Abruptly. Just as well.

4. Gravity was another gorgeous movie. Many, many impossibilities, but still a beautiful movie. Go see it.

5. Does anyone else ever feel like an impostor? At their job (which might be more relatable)? In living? I feel like some entity trapped in this body and I simply don't belong here. I feel in every social interaction that I'm pretending, that I'm acting (and obviously failing) and I hate that feeling of being false. And when I'm by myself, there's nothing but the stillness, the silence, nothing else in my mind. A gorgeous reprieve from the pretense, but I still feel wrong. Stuck. Nothing to look back on and dwell on, and nothing to draw me forward or deceptively goad me on.

6. Double stuffed oreos are really goooood.

7. Oh, Happy Thanksgiving.

Another. You're Greek Now, Don't Be Shy

Yes. I'm obsessed.

Did I Just Admit This?

There's a guy. At work. That I really, really don't want to notice in that way. And it doesn't seem right because it feels so different from the last time, in other words, less intense mentally/emotionally/soulfully. He's quick to laugh (and it's such a kind laugh), intelligent, he went really out of his way to help me twice when I didn't ask for any help (and how did he even notice over the voices of everyone else on the phones?), he draws, he used to be a drummer, he's tall, lean, pale, but with the darkest brown eyes I've ever seen. Thankfully, I've never had to stand close enough to see how quickly I'm drawn in by them. I play my indifference card, as usual, and especially now, not just out of the usual fears but because I don't want to feel any hint of this ever again. I still feel like an important piece of me died after the last time, something I can never get back (faith, hope, wonder). It certainly helps to know he has a girlfriend (an excellent weapon to use against the birth of speculations) and, due to recent changes at work, he now sits in an area out of my sight. Thank God. 

I'm at such a loss with myself. I've never been comfortable around guys, especially when I'm attracted to them, and since I've left the religion I was raised in, it's assumed that I'm like everyone else in terms of drinking and casual sex, neither of which am I interested in. Hahaha, truth is, I've never even held hands with another guy before, no first hug, no first kiss; I've merely basked in the presence of the individuals I've admired while staring off somewhere else, pretending to read, etc. From this, you can infer that I've never even known how to talk to a guy, especially one I like (and therefore, I've never dated either). My brain turns to mush and every second feels so utterly profound. For me, the entire world becomes tinged with the knowledge of their existence. And I'm feeling so vulnerable and overly sensitive to everything that I lash out in psychotic defense over every tiny thing that could somehow demean what I'm feeling. Did I mention that I don't understand myself? Now throw into the mix the fact that rationally, I'm a bit repulsed by men, even as I am attracted to them.

And I meant to blog about my dying father (his cancer has spread to his liver--he found out two months ago and only told one of my sisters last week), my usual apathy, and my new, slightly disturbed kitty cat.

P.S. Starting to make a new playlist. Check it out if you like. ------>

P.P.S. If you actually did read this (Char, Julie), just know I really don't want to talk about this new guy the next time we talk on the phone. Thanks.

Change

My entire job at work has changed. Soon, we will be relocating to a new place and then my job will change again. I'm about to buy my first car. My step-dad has moved out and he took my darling cat away tonight. She's been such a comfort to me the past six months and I love her so much, but she's my step-dad's cat and now she's gone. Pathetic as it sounds, but she's been my only friend this whole year and it's killing me not having her here in this house anymore. Not to mention I've never had a pet before Sammy---it just hurts. My mom is trying to sell this house, and hopefully it will, and then we'll be moving.

Everything major always seems to happen at one time. And I just hate feeling this awful sense of loss again. I haven't felt this in a while and I hate it. I hate it. Because then I'm reminded of a whole lot of other crap that still hurts when it surfaces. Why does everything have to be connected to everything in my brain, everything in my life?

I miss her and her sweet, crazy personality. I keep forgetting and expect to find her under my feet or curled up on my bed and she's not there. And then I hits me all over again. God, I have been crying the whole time I've typed this out. It's gonna be a long, quiet, lonely week with Mom in Utah for Education Week. And I'll just go ahead and admit this, I'm going to cry every time I come home to this empty, Sammy-less house.

Same Old, Same Old

With the new The Civil Wars album coming out next month, I guess I thought they were done with their hiatus, but I just read that these two are not even on speaking terms. That really is crushing to hear. Just listen to them! This is a new song from the upcoming album. 

That croon. Don't get me started.

That stupid transitional segment in the song (2:50-whatever) almost destroys it for me...but not quite. I heard this song, got really excited, then had a listen at this group's other music. And...they sound like a male version of Evanescence. Very dramatic, supposedly hard rock. I couldn't find a song I liked as much as this one--just love the piano and almost dissonant beginning. Mhmm..

I found this song looking at Lyanna/Rhaegar fan videos. Yes...I'm obsessed with Game of Thrones and that particular theory. And I may have one or two favorites. But I would feel ridiculous posting them....

Okay, HERE! Mock away, but I love the books so much and this theory just strikes a chord with me. If you don't know the theory/books, this won't make any sense. And fan videos can only reach a certain quality after all. Most of the Lyanna/Rhaegar fan videos are terrible...this is the best one I've found.

I suppose I should write about what's been happening in my life, but all I can see is the huge wave of change coming my way. Some of it's good, some of it's bad. And, of course, it's going to happen all around the same time.

But either way I am affected, I myself still can't seem to feel anything for life. I still feel emotions, naturally. I randomly find myself crying over the thought of losing my step-dad's cat while at work (because Mom and Bill are getting a divorce and he'll take her with him) and over other thoughts that just appear out of nowhere. I get angry over other things, feel an impish satisfaction over something no one else saw and doesn't matter in the long run, or, while driving home from work, I find myself keeling over in near-hysterical laughter at my own irrational feelings/choices/actions/reactions. Every day, I recognize some common mistake I make as it happens and feel like I'm greeting an old friend. And then I have to hold back from snickering over it all. None of these things are exactly positive, though I congratulate myself on being able to not take myself too seriously...when I can, that is.

But life, what is it? Where am I going and what's the point?

Am I whining again? Sorry.